DH angry over childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

I cant believe, and yet I can, how many people advocating destroying family relationships over the cost of childcare that OP says she can afford. You think SIL will ever forgive losing her childcare to your child? She won’t. That’s your baby’s aunt and mother of it’s cousins. You think MIL is going to change her spots and grow a spine? She’s not. But she will resent anything that hurts her relationship with her daughter.

[Anonymous]

I think a good solution is to get a helper for MIL. You can call SIL and tell her about your concerns about MILs ability to handle all the children alone, and discuss coming up with a solution. Mention the idea of getting a helper. The key is to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

. You are weird ( and incredibly myopic) that you aren’t thinking about so much more that goes into a job other than just take-home pay - benefits, retirement savings, preservation of any potential career track, financial independence, being a good role model for your children, the list goes on. I have no problem with SAHM Your individual reasons for choosing to be a SAGM,but stop judging others that have different priorities and outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a good solution is to get a helper for MIL. You can call SIL and tell her about your concerns about MILs ability to handle all the children alone, and discuss coming up with a solution. Mention the idea of getting a helper. The key is to communicate.

What? Who is going to do this? Someone who wants to have 3 bosses—SIL, OP and the MIL? That’s a recipe for disaster. They can’t communicate now. What makes you think they can all be responsible and disciplined enough to manage all the details of being someone’s employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH that unless SIL steps up and stops asking her mom for free childcare (not gonna happen) or MIL grows a spine and puts her money where her mouth is and tells SIL she will no longer be watching her kids (not gonna happen) that you are hiring a nanny. He can be involved, or not, in this process, but you're going to do it unless MIL confirms that she will exclusively be caring for your child starting on X date.

+1.

Driving all over town with your newborn or baby in order to accommodate Year 4 of free childcare for your SIL at MIL’s house is not a viable solution here.

And yes I believe MIl feels bad she gave $40k times three years of childcare to one adult kid and now has supposedly hamstrung herself from doing the same for her adult son. Still not gonna help w viable childcare situation here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH that unless SIL steps up and stops asking her mom for free childcare (not gonna happen) or MIL grows a spine and puts her money where her mouth is and tells SIL she will no longer be watching her kids (not gonna happen) that you are hiring a nanny. He can be involved, or not, in this process, but you're going to do it unless MIL confirms that she will exclusively be caring for your child starting on X date.

+1.

Driving all over town with your newborn or baby in order to accommodate Year 4 of free childcare for your SIL at MIL’s house is not a viable solution here.

And yes I believe MIl feels bad she gave $40k times three years of childcare to one adult kid and now has supposedly hamstrung herself from doing the same for her adult son. Still not gonna help w viable childcare situation here.

+100

[Anonymous]

I think you and SIL need to pool your $ and come up with a better plan. Maybe one day a week with MIL and the other 4 with a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cant believe, and yet I can, how many people advocating destroying family relationships over the cost of childcare that OP says she can afford. You think SIL will ever forgive losing her childcare to your child? She won’t. That’s your baby’s aunt and mother of it’s cousins. You think MIL is going to change her spots and grow a spine? She’s not. But she will resent anything that hurts her relationship with her daughter.

We don’t know that SIL can’t childcare. Is she a single mom? Does she also have dual income and is her husband’s family in the area?

As for destroying the relationship over childcare, you could argue that the SIL is destroying the relationship by not being fair and allowing her mom to do for her brother what she already did for her. Its all perspective. At the end of the day, it really comes down to what the parent (grandma) thinks is fair and what she allows. Some of my friends have parents that go out of their way to do things equally for their kids or equivalents regardless of “need”. Other parents factor perceived need into how they do things. I put need in quotes because sometimes it is bad luck and other times it’s a tale of the Ant and the Grasshopper. What does fairness look like if one child is the ant and the other is the grasshopper? Realize you can’t change someone else and the anger over what you cant’t change isn’t productive. For DH and OP - you can just promise you will do better and different with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Ho on earth are these people thinking that it's a good idea for a 60+ lady to watch 3 little kids full-time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

. You are weird ( and incredibly myopic) that you aren’t thinking about so much more that goes into a job other than just take-home pay - benefits, retirement savings, preservation of any potential career track, financial independence, being a good role model for your children, the list goes on. I have no problem with SAHM Your individual reasons for choosing to be a SAGM,but stop judging others that have different priorities and outlook.

When you die, most jobs are not that important that you will be remembered and you can easily be replaced. You do whats best for you and your family and not worry about people like you who judge. Many of us don't need the benefits - my spouse is retired military so we get life long health care at a reasonable price. I don't work. We still save for my retirement and I have retirement savings from when I worked for many years. I have money in my name, I have full access to all the money and I'm the one who mostly controls the money. And, yes, I'm a very good role model for my kids. They know I worked, they know I love being home with them and more importantly they can count on us to make sure all their needs are met. You are judging others for staying home with your financial independence and role model comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

. You are weird ( and incredibly myopic) that you aren’t thinking about so much more that goes into a job other than just take-home pay - benefits, retirement savings, preservation of any potential career track, financial independence, being a good role model for your children, the list goes on. I have no problem with SAHM Your individual reasons for choosing to be a SAGM,but stop judging others that have different priorities and outlook.

When you die, most jobs are not that important that you will be remembered and you can easily be replaced. You do whats best for you and your family and not worry about people like you who judge. Many of us don't need the benefits - my spouse is retired military so we get life long health care at a reasonable price. I don't work. We still save for my retirement and I have retirement savings from when I worked for many years. I have money in my name, I have full access to all the money and I'm the one who mostly controls the money. And, yes, I'm a very good role model for my kids. They know I worked, they know I love being home with them and more importantly they can count on us to make sure all their needs are met. You are judging others for staying home with your financial independence and role model comments.

Let’s not turn this thread into another mommy wars thread. Plenty of those already. Seems like op will keep working anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

. You are weird ( and incredibly myopic) that you aren’t thinking about so much more that goes into a job other than just take-home pay - benefits, retirement savings, preservation of any potential career track, financial independence, being a good role model for your children, the list goes on. I have no problem with SAHM Your individual reasons for choosing to be a SAGM,but stop judging others that have different priorities and outlook.

When you die, most jobs are not that important that you will be remembered and you can easily be replaced. You do whats best for you and your family and not worry about people like you who judge. Many of us don't need the benefits - my spouse is retired military so we get life long health care at a reasonable price. I don't work. We still save for my retirement and I have retirement savings from when I worked for many years. I have money in my name, I have full access to all the money and I'm the one who mostly controls the money. And, yes, I'm a very good role model for my kids. They know I worked, they know I love being home with them and more importantly they can count on us to make sure all their needs are met. You are judging others for staying home with your financial independence and role model comments.

So cool your husband did 20 years and gets a half last salary pension until he or you both die and heavily discounted healthcare for life. Taxpayers say You’re Welcome.

Now for Op- I would register my disappointment with the situation to MiL and sIl, to them. And then get your own childcare.

miL legacy is clear now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

Not really, I earn 100k. DH a little bit more. We figured it was going to cost around $20/hr for one child for a nanny but we haven’t seriously started looking.

You know that childcare isn’t tax deductible, right? And there may also be some additional costs you didn’t think of with social security, etc.
I think this may be more like 60-70% of your take home pay.

Which still may be worth it to OP if it allows her to keep her job and stay on her career trajectory.

I left my job and Ican get another, but I am never, ever getting my career back (tenure track faculty). I didn’t have a choice but it sounds like OP does, so let’s focus on that.

This is 100% true. I had my first child 13 years ago while making 60k/yr. I'm 41 now and last year I made 298k in 2018. I (myself, not DH ) have 875k in my 401k. I'm at the same company and work less than many people under me, I work a 40hr a week schedule, 2 days a week from home and take 6 weeks vacation per year.

Do so glad I took the long view never bowed out. Because of it my kids have so much opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the posts but here's my solution. DH and you alternate days driving baby to MIL's house. You and SIL split cost of having a nanny help MIL care for children at MIL's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ho on earth are these people thinking that it's a good idea for a 60+ lady to watch 3 little kids full-time?

No idea! This would be a moot point in my home. I wouldn't even entertain talk of an old frail person of ANY sort watching my kid more than a few hours here and there.

My DH could sulk all he wants.