DH angry over childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has watched my SIL’s child for the last 3 years and SIL is returning from maternity leave soon. MIL will be watching both of SIL’s children. MIL sometimes goes over to SIL’s house and will clean and do laundry for SIL too.

My MIL has some chronic health issues that flare up from time to time and she is relatively frail and not in the greatest health. I will be returning to work in October from maternity leave.

DH and MIL have unrealistic expectations that my MIL will be able to watch two babies and a toddler. I have told DH that is way too much for one person and that we need to hire a nanny. Daycare is not an option (and never was) for several reasons, primarily medical/immune issues. (No, we are not anti vaxxers).

We can afford a nanny but it will cost 40% of my salary. I work FT from home and start at 7 am. It is so much more convenient for me to wake myself and baby up at 6am and get ready for work rather than getting up at 5am or earlier to to drop offs at 6:30 at my MIl’s house halfway across town.

DH is upset that we have to pay for childcare and I told him this is the cost of having a kid. We discussed the issue at length with MIL while I was pregnant, who had said that it was “DH’s turn” for childcare, but nothing really changed and MIL will still be watching SIL’s kids.

I’ve told DH that this is an issue between his mom and sister and that we need to start interviewing for nanny soon. He is irritated over the cost and we can’t seem to find any middle ground. SIL has made it clear she will be dropping her kids off at MIL’s house Monday to Friday. I’ve told DH it’s not fair to expect SIL to suddenly find a backup plan in a months time and why would she want to, anyways?

I’m not sure what to do. We need to get a move on with hiring a nanny but DH keeps fuming over the wage. Not so much that we can’t afford it but he’s irritated that we will pay whereas SIL does not have any childcare cost and he doesn’t feel it’s fair. DH is irritated that MIL helps SIL with laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc in addition to childcare.I don’t know what to tell him. I feel like this isn’t my issue to handle his misplaced anger.

[Anonymous]

Try to get him into therapy. This is about the fact that his mom is prioritizing SIL over him and I am guessing it’s not the first time.

[Anonymous]

You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

Not really, I earn 100k. DH a little bit more. We figured it was going to cost around $20/hr for one child for a nanny but we haven’t seriously started looking.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband take a day off from work and watch both of her kids solo—not a stitch of help. He’ll quickly realize leaving his own baby with his mother and another baby and toddler is not an option.

Move forward with looking for a nanny. Don’t back down on this. And why not call him out on his misplaced anger? “Bill I get that you’re resentful of your sister getting free childcare and assistance from your mom. Your anger needs to be directed at them, not me, the person who is carrying your child. You’re stressing me out, and that’s not healthy for the baby. This baby is not staying with your mother because it’s not safe. Yes, it’s cheaper, but it’s not what’s best.”

[Anonymous]

Why not do half and half? Part time nanny and part time mil? Win for everyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

Not really, I earn 100k. DH a little bit more. We figured it was going to cost around $20/hr for one child for a nanny but we haven’t seriously started looking.

That's still a good income but you may want to look at a nanny share as you also need to pay taxes, insurance, workers comp..

[Anonymous]

Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Don’t classify childcare costs as only a percentage of your salary - its a joint expense.

If immune issues are present, three children together is hardly better than daycare. Get the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t classify childcare costs as only a percentage of your salary - its a joint expense.

If immune issues are present, three children together is hardly better than daycare. Get the nanny.

It is a joint expense but if one spouse makes much less than the other and/or it will not 100% cover child care costs its often not worth it for the one parent to work.

OP, how about a compromise. DH drives baby back and forth daily and you and SIL chip in and pay for a grandma's helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not do half and half? Part time nanny and part time mil? Win for everyone

Good luck finding a nanny who wants to work part time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

Not really, I earn 100k. DH a little bit more. We figured it was going to cost around $20/hr for one child for a nanny but we haven’t seriously started looking.

You know that childcare isn’t tax deductible, right? And there may also be some additional costs you didn’t think of with social security, etc.
I think this may be more like 60-70% of your take home pay.

[Anonymous]

Your huge problem is thinking that the nanny costs are coming out of your salary!

Your second huge problem is that you have an idiot husband.

Start interviewing the nannies by yourself, OP. I have a feeling that this is how you'll need to act for many things from now on. He'll always be able to find an excuse to drag his feet...

[Anonymous]

Why are you calculating the cost of childcare against only your salary?

It is a household expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.