DH angry over childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

Family first. You should want what is optimal for the child and the grandparent. Grandma with health complications, should be retired and enjoying her golden retirement years. Grand parenting should be a joy, not employment. Your child has immune issues and could benefit from one-on-one care for awhile longer.

I would go the nanny route. On days were all cousins are healthy, maybe they can meet up for play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ho on earth are these people thinking that it's a good idea for a 60+ lady to watch 3 little kids full-time?

No idea! This would be a moot point in my home. I wouldn't even entertain talk of an old frail person of ANY sort watching my kid more than a few hours here and there.

My DH could sulk all he wants.

60 isn’t old and frail. I’m 59 and keep my toddler and infant grandchildren for my kids while they work and for weekly sleepovers. How insulting.

Well you're old enough to be senile. Did you bother to read the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cant believe, and yet I can, how many people advocating destroying family relationships over the cost of childcare that OP says she can afford. You think SIL will ever forgive losing her childcare to your child? She won’t. That’s your baby’s aunt and mother of it’s cousins. You think MIL is going to change her spots and grow a spine? She’s not. But she will resent anything that hurts her relationship with her daughter.

We don’t know that SIL can’t childcare. Is she a single mom? Does she also have dual income and is her husband’s family in the area?

As for destroying the relationship over childcare, you could argue that the SIL is destroying the relationship by not being fair and allowing her mom to do for her brother what she already did for her. Its all perspective. At the end of the day, it really comes down to what the parent (grandma) thinks is fair and what she allows. Some of my friends have parents that go out of their way to do things equally for their kids or equivalents regardless of “need”. Other parents factor perceived need into how they do things. I put need in quotes because sometimes it is bad luck and other times it’s a tale of the Ant and the Grasshopper. What does fairness look like if one child is the ant and the other is the grasshopper? Realize you can’t change someone else and the anger over what you cant’t change isn’t productive. For DH and OP - you can just promise you will do better and different with your own kids.

This.

Also, having the argument with the sister puts husband and wife on the same team, which is where you need to be when you are expecting your first baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

. You are weird ( and incredibly myopic) that you aren’t thinking about so much more that goes into a job other than just take-home pay - benefits, retirement savings, preservation of any potential career track, financial independence, being a good role model for your children, the list goes on. I have no problem with SAHM Your individual reasons for choosing to be a SAGM,but stop judging others that have different priorities and outlook.

When you die, most jobs are not that important that you will be remembered and you can easily be replaced. You do whats best for you and your family and not worry about people like you who judge. Many of us don't need the benefits - my spouse is retired military so we get life long health care at a reasonable price. I don't work. We still save for my retirement and I have retirement savings from when I worked for many years. I have money in my name, I have full access to all the money and I'm the one who mostly controls the money. And, yes, I'm a very good role model for my kids. They know I worked, they know I love being home with them and more importantly they can count on us to make sure all their needs are met. You are judging others for staying home with your financial independence and role model comments.

This is getting off-topic, but I found the first post to be the judgemental one.

To OP - yeah, this is unfair that SIL has received free child care. I think you get that. Your husband needs to get that the priority is quality childcare for your baby, not getting the same about of "goodies" as his sister. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op here.

DH had a frank discussion with a family member who made it clear that his mom can't watch three kids. I think he's coming around and understands. He's been looking more into the nanny situation and he is in agreement that a nanny works best, despite that he still feels like he got the short end of the stick. But whatever, I'm grateful he's coming around regardless.

I don't think DH or SIL was entirely reality based in their line of thinking by assuming MIL can watch three kids. I think it could be a bit of denial over how frail their mom really is and how incapacitated she becomes when she gets sick. Also, big red flag for me if she were to provide childcare because it could really leave me in a bind.

If a nanny costs more, then a nanny costs more. Thankfully DH's salary covers all the household costs but for me to stay at home and quit my job would cost more than just my salary. It would be lost retirement funds, savings contributions, savings for college funds. I would like for us to both have good pensions and not just one and social security in our old ages. I don't want my career to be put on hold, and also even if a nanny costs half my salary that's still losing out on 50K/year. Also, yes I understand it's a "shared household expense", but it's really just how I calculate things.

Also, I don't mind my job at all and I work full time from home. What works best for me is to hire a nanny to avoid the early morning shuffle with drop offs. I would much rather be getting up at 6AM/6:30 for work and start my day checking my emails in my robe than getting DS and I dressed and up at 5AM to leave the house just after 6 to do dropoff at MIL house or a daycare.

I agree that grandma should be able to enjoy her time as a grandma and not necessarily have the burden of being a FT caregiver to her grandchildren but that's her choice. What I would have loved is for DS to have one afternoon a week with MIL for some 1-1 time with grandma at our house. That's not likely now that SIL needs childcare 5 days/week, 8-5 from MIL. That bums me out a bit that she may miss out on DS's early years.

My own mother is deceased and I'm an only child. My Dad lives 12+ hours away. DH's family is the only one who is close by.

What would actually really help is some pointers on where we can hire a nanny, either an agency or website. We've been looking on care.com and Facebook groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

DH had a frank discussion with a family member who made it clear that his mom can't watch three kids. I think he's coming around and understands. He's been looking more into the nanny situation and he is in agreement that a nanny works best, despite that he still feels like he got the short end of the stick. But whatever, I'm grateful he's coming around regardless.

I don't think DH or SIL was entirely reality based in their line of thinking by assuming MIL can watch three kids. I think it could be a bit of denial over how frail their mom really is and how incapacitated she becomes when she gets sick. Also, big red flag for me if she were to provide childcare because it could really leave me in a bind.

If a nanny costs more, then a nanny costs more. Thankfully DH's salary covers all the household costs but for me to stay at home and quit my job would cost more than just my salary. It would be lost retirement funds, savings contributions, savings for college funds. I would like for us to both have good pensions and not just one and social security in our old ages. I don't want my career to be put on hold, and also even if a nanny costs half my salary that's still losing out on 50K/year. Also, yes I understand it's a "shared household expense", but it's really just how I calculate things.

Also, I don't mind my job at all and I work full time from home. What works best for me is to hire a nanny to avoid the early morning shuffle with drop offs. I would much rather be getting up at 6AM/6:30 for work and start my day checking my emails in my robe than getting DS and I dressed and up at 5AM to leave the house just after 6 to do dropoff at MIL house or a daycare.

I agree that grandma should be able to enjoy her time as a grandma and not necessarily have the burden of being a FT caregiver to her grandchildren but that's her choice. What I would have loved is for DS to have one afternoon a week with MIL for some 1-1 time with grandma at our house. That's not likely now that SIL needs childcare 5 days/week, 8-5 from MIL. That bums me out a bit that she may miss out on DS's early years.

My own mother is deceased and I'm an only child. My Dad lives 12+ hours away. DH's family is the only one who is close by.

What would actually really help is some pointers on where we can hire a nanny, either an agency or website. We've been looking on care.com and Facebook groups.

Great outlook and smart choice to stay in the workforce. Your income will increase in time and when you are older like I am (approaching 50) you will be so greateful you had two workers contributing to decades of retirement. Our kids are in college now and all doors were open for them as far as what school they were able to attend without having to worry about loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ho on earth are these people thinking that it's a good idea for a 60+ lady to watch 3 little kids full-time?

No idea! This would be a moot point in my home. I wouldn't even entertain talk of an old frail person of ANY sort watching my kid more than a few hours here and there.

My DH could sulk all he wants.

60 isn’t old and frail. I’m 59 and keep my toddler and infant grandchildren for my kids while they work and for weekly sleepovers. How insulting.

OK, and it 3 years when you break an ankle? It happens. And in 4 years when care is still needed and you fall? It happens. And in 6 years when care is still needed and you just want a break?

[Anonymous]

“My own mother is deceased and I'm an only child. My Dad lives 12+ hours away. DH's family is the only one who is close by. “

Sorry about this OP. This also somehow helps to better understand why your DH may have been insistent on his mom helping both of you out as well. I imagine if your mom was alive and nearby - the issue would not have been felt by him so acutely.

Good choice that you are making. I think for grandma, who has been watching SIL kids and is probably now attached to them - it is also not so easy to just replace with a new newborn baby - even if that baby is her own grandchild. Book the weekends from now so you and DH can go on date nights.

I found my nannies through work bulletin board and neighborhood list serve and word of mouth. Actually my second nanny was recommended to me by an applicant who said, I found a job but I have a great friend that is looking now. I couldn’t get myself to find through care.com it felt too random for me.