DH angry over childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

No good nanny will do a 5 kid nannyshare. And I don’t see why a parent would choose that given that the ratio for centers until 2 is 3 to 1 in DC and 2 to 1 for inhomes for infants.

You mean 3-kid nanny share? Agree, it doesn't really happen -- unless the 3rd kid is maybe a sibling in school all day, so the nanny just has 3 for the last part of the day. Still, I avoided this kind of arrangement when I was looking at nanny shares, because I didn't want my baby's naps & afternoons held hostage to the preschool pickup. It's an arrangement that primarily benefits the sibling pair.

[Anonymous]

What is your DH and parents cultural background? Expectations can be culturally driven

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your DH do the drop offs and pickups? He may change his mind when he experiences the inconvenience and also witnesses the level of care his mom is going to be able to provide to his firstborn, with two other kids around.

As with other PPs, other cheaper options to look at are in home daycares and nanny shares near you. My three kids have had all sorts of childcare arrangements from SAHM to a FT nanny to a relative caring for them to an in home daycare. The in home daycare was the best for all of us.

People, can you please be realistic? Elderly MIL is not a professional child care giver. She's grandma. Grandma is likely already pretty stretched watching SIL's kids, and adding an INFANT on top of that is not just a matter of pickups and drop-offs. FFS.

Exactly. I wouldn't want two babies and a toddler in a nannyshare, regardless. Tell your DH to go to a daycare with a 1:3 ratio and see how the infants spend a lot of time crying. Getting the 3 to coordinate nap schedules (especially if the newborn is still on a 3-nap schedule) and getting outside are going to be really complicated.

It sounds like OP is dealing with people (DH, MIL and SIL) who are not reality based. Which can be really frustrating! My MIL declared she would be our nanny while I was pregnant and my DH was all for it ... but they literally had not thought out a single detail. MIL wasn't even living in our same city at the time! All I had to do is say "Well, you realize that I will need child care every day, 5 days a week, all year from around 8:30am - 5:30 pm, because I have a full time job?" And MIL immediately agreed that she could not do that.
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I would put my foot down specifically about the 3 kids, and having to commute across town. Just tell your DH that it isn't going to happen. Arrange for the nanny, and tell your DH that if your MIL works out things with your SIL, then you can consider replace the nanny with her.

OP can find an in home that separates infants and uses a small group for infants. My DS was always kept in a group with one other baby that’s the exact same age. Someone was always with them. The two are close and he didn’t get a lot of illnesses. It was pricier than some other inhimes that do mixed age or bigger groups but well worth it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes free isn’t really free. Have you looked into an au pair? My friend with twins had an au pair the first year. Also keep in mind with a nanny and likely au pair, you have to plan for two weeks of vacation- would MIL be willing to tell SIL she is on her own for those two weeks - either SIL or her DH or her DH’s family have to step up.

I get that your DH is upset, not just the cost but feeling like his mom is playing favorites. But the end of the day, you need to have a workable childcare plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

No good nanny will do a 5 kid nannyshare. And I don’t see why a parent would choose that given that the ratio for centers until 2 is 3 to 1 in DC and 2 to 1 for inhomes for infants.

You mean 3-kid nanny share? Agree, it doesn't really happen -- unless the 3rd kid is maybe a sibling in school all day, so the nanny just has 3 for the last part of the day. Still, I avoided this kind of arrangement when I was looking at nanny shares, because I didn't want my baby's naps & afternoons held hostage to the preschool pickup. It's an arrangement that primarily benefits the sibling pair.

I’m the pp that went with the daycare that did the separate infant group. I chose that over a nanny share even with one older kid. I’m glad I did. He’s always with an age appropriate group doing age appropriate things. They have two full timers and a part timer/sub and separate nap, eating, and play rooms so they’re always age separated.

[Anonymous]

Is it an option to find a nanny to help MIL with the three kids that could be shared between you and SIL?

I also saw that you’d need to drop off child half across town to MIL house. Agree that’s super inconvenient. Probably a nanny is the best option in your case and yes, I can understand that your dh may be angry that his mom helped his sister but not him. What about your mom? Any chance she could help?

[Anonymous]

Take you SIL out of the equation - she has no incentive to change her behavior and it sounds like she also has a newborn (plus toddler). Demanding she lose the benefit from her own mother will destroy your relationship with her. Not worth it.

Take your MIL out of the equation - she told you and DH she would watch your baby, it sounds like instead of SILs. But she has done nothing to make that happen. She may be reliable childcare for SIL but she has proven herself to be unreliable childcare for you and your baby.

Yes, it sucks to pay for childcare but at least it can then be done on your terms - its who you want, when you want it, where you want it. Let Grandma be backup so that if the nanny is sick you aren’t stuck. You can even offer better vacation to sweeten the nanny deal with a back up grandparent.

DH needs to get over it. It’s not about him. It’s about the baby and you all need to provide it, not create family rifts in order to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

Plus one. And MIL has health issues that are likely only going to worsen soon.

Plus, I'm not even sure a SAHM can do a toddler and twins, not without some pretty damn serious angst! I would think that most could manage to get through it, but it sounds awful, and I would expect she'd get at least some help during the week. Generally when we chose childcare arrangements, we don't aim for the arrangement that is the most barely manageable....

Lots and lots of SAHM’s do 3 under 3 (with or without twins.) But MIL is old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes free isn’t really free. Have you looked into an au pair? My friend with twins had an au pair the first year. Also keep in mind with a nanny and likely au pair, you have to plan for two weeks of vacation- would MIL be willing to tell SIL she is on her own for those two weeks - either SIL or her DH or her DH’s family have to step up.

I get that your DH is upset, not just the cost but feeling like his mom is playing favorites. But the end of the day, you need to have a workable childcare plan.

Does OP have room in the house and an extra car for her au pair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

Plus one. And MIL has health issues that are likely only going to worsen soon.

Plus, I'm not even sure a SAHM can do a toddler and twins, not without some pretty damn serious angst! I would think that most could manage to get through it, but it sounds awful, and I would expect she'd get at least some help during the week. Generally when we chose childcare arrangements, we don't aim for the arrangement that is the most barely manageable....

Lots and lots of SAHM’s do 3 under 3 (with or without twins.) But MIL is old.

3 under 3 full time for an older person is a recipe for a devastating back, knee, hip, or shoulder injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

No good nanny will do a 5 kid nannyshare. And I don’t see why a parent would choose that given that the ratio for centers until 2 is 3 to 1 in DC and 2 to 1 for inhomes for infants.

You mean 3-kid nanny share? Agree, it doesn't really happen -- unless the 3rd kid is maybe a sibling in school all day, so the nanny just has 3 for the last part of the day. Still, I avoided this kind of arrangement when I was looking at nanny shares, because I didn't want my baby's naps & afternoons held hostage to the preschool pickup. It's an arrangement that primarily benefits the sibling pair.

I’m the pp that went with the daycare that did the separate infant group. I chose that over a nanny share even with one older kid. I’m glad I did. He’s always with an age appropriate group doing age appropriate things. They have two full timers and a part timer/sub and separate nap, eating, and play rooms so they’re always age separated.

Right, it's a professional operation where multiple caregivers can cover for each other, and where the caregivers know how to schedule babies, make sure they're getting activities, etc. Very different from dumping 3 babies on Grandma with no backup ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take you SIL out of the equation - she has no incentive to change her behavior and it sounds like she also has a newborn (plus toddler). Demanding she lose the benefit from her own mother will destroy your relationship with her. Not worth it.

Take your MIL out of the equation - she told you and DH she would watch your baby, it sounds like instead of SILs. But she has done nothing to make that happen. She may be reliable childcare for SIL but she has proven herself to be unreliable childcare for you and your baby.

Yes, it sucks to pay for childcare but at least it can then be done on your terms - its who you want, when you want it, where you want it. Let Grandma be backup so that if the nanny is sick you aren’t stuck. You can even offer better vacation to sweeten the nanny deal with a back up grandparent.

DH needs to get over it. It’s not about him. It’s about the baby and you all need to provide it, not create family rifts in order to get it.

^^ smart.

[Anonymous]

I would be really pissed at SIL about this, not DH. She isn’t holding up her end of the deal, and she is leaving you in the lurch.

I would have DH call her and let her know that she needs to find some kind of alternate childcare by October because MIL is going to be helping you guys out then. Stop fighting with your husband. He didn’t do anything wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

No good nanny will do a 5 kid nannyshare. And I don’t see why a parent would choose that given that the ratio for centers until 2 is 3 to 1 in DC and 2 to 1 for inhomes for infants.

You mean 3-kid nanny share? Agree, it doesn't really happen -- unless the 3rd kid is maybe a sibling in school all day, so the nanny just has 3 for the last part of the day. Still, I avoided this kind of arrangement when I was looking at nanny shares, because I didn't want my baby's naps & afternoons held hostage to the preschool pickup. It's an arrangement that primarily benefits the sibling pair.

I’m the pp that went with the daycare that did the separate infant group. I chose that over a nanny share even with one older kid. I’m glad I did. He’s always with an age appropriate group doing age appropriate things. They have two full timers and a part timer/sub and separate nap, eating, and play rooms so they’re always age separated.

Right, it's a professional operation where multiple caregivers can cover for each other, and where the caregivers know how to schedule babies, make sure they're getting activities, etc. Very different from dumping 3 babies on Grandma with no backup ...

Yes and honestly less germs if that is ops concern. Sanitary procedures, no shared dishes or bottles or cribs, plus he’s really only getting touched by the other baby in the group. Young healthy caregivers.

[Anonymous]

If you work from home and have space, an au Pair would be the most reasonable thing.