DH angry over childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

We did weekly: $1000 for a 50 hour week. Now we are after school and that’s $20 per hour for two kids, 20 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t classify childcare costs as only a percentage of your salary - its a joint expense.

If immune issues are present, three children together is hardly better than daycare. Get the nanny.

It is a joint expense but if one spouse makes much less than the other and/or it will not 100% cover child care costs its often not worth it for the one parent to work.

OP, how about a compromise. DH drives baby back and forth daily and you and SIL chip in and pay for a grandma's helper.

OP says she make 100k and her husband a little more. Their incomes are nearly equal, so that scenario doesn't apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

MIL is free to do as she pleases. She doesn't owe either sibling anything, unless they are financially supporting her. People need to plan for their own childcare, not exploit elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH that unless SIL steps up and stops asking her mom for free childcare (not gonna happen) or MIL grows a spine and puts her money where her mouth is and tells SIL she will no longer be watching her kids (not gonna happen) that you are hiring a nanny. He can be involved, or not, in this process, but you're going to do it unless MIL confirms that she will exclusively be caring for your child starting on X date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t classify childcare costs as only a percentage of your salary - its a joint expense.

If immune issues are present, three children together is hardly better than daycare. Get the nanny.

THIS. I've never understood why child care "comes out of mom's salary."

It's 2019; we have the vote now, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must make a very large income to only spend 40%.

You are weird. I quit my job in a similar situation. I wasn’t going to work for only 60%pay while missing time with my kid.

Benefits, 401K contribution, continuation of employment...

If you are in a position where you know for a fact you can jump right back into the work force, good for you, but realize that's not the case for many, many parents who drop out of the workforce for 5 years or so.

-WOHM who fights hard to get returning mothers into even just phone interviews, but trust; it's an uphill battle. Resumes side by side with similar qualifications? The candidate with continued employment pretty much ALWAYS gets the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why he feels blindsided? Surely he understood childcare is expensive before you got pregnant?

+1. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your DH do the drop offs and pickups? He may change his mind when he experiences the inconvenience and also witnesses the level of care his mom is going to be able to provide to his firstborn, with two other kids around.

As with other PPs, other cheaper options to look at are in home daycares and nanny shares near you. My three kids have had all sorts of childcare arrangements from SAHM to a FT nanny to a relative caring for them to an in home daycare. The in home daycare was the best for all of us.

People, can you please be realistic? Elderly MIL is not a professional child care giver. She's grandma. Grandma is likely already pretty stretched watching SIL's kids, and adding an INFANT on top of that is not just a matter of pickups and drop-offs. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he drive cross town for pick up and drop off if he's insistent on it? I don't think its fair to your MIL.

There are lots of options here and your DH and MIL are indeed not realistic.

She is older now and more frail. Difficult to watch babies and toddlers

Au pairs might be option for 40-45 hours a week. And could drive. Or a nanny share IN your neighborhood- $10-14 per kid per hour. Less if 3-5 kids total. (Attention will be less too).

Nannies for one child are $15-17 p kid cash, $17-20/hour w-2 in wash dC. Hire nannies 1 month before the need. They don’t arrive in the market months before a start date. Interviewing is key, references too, and constant managing/communicating.

Yes SIl lucked out and got some free household help and childcare. Your husband needs to make amends about this, possibly your MIL can make it fair we in other ways (more babysitting, splitting her time, helping when/if one of you travel). But getting quality care needs to be the priority- not saving money or equalizing other peoples relationship with him. But yes it is not fair. Ideally MIL stops carrying for SIl kids and starts caring for yours: she should do years 1-3 with each.

No good nanny will do a 5 kid nannyshare. And I don’t see why a parent would choose that given that the ratio for centers until 2 is 3 to 1 in DC and 2 to 1 for inhomes for infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

Plus one. And MIL has health issues that are likely only going to worsen soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your DH do the drop offs and pickups? He may change his mind when he experiences the inconvenience and also witnesses the level of care his mom is going to be able to provide to his firstborn, with two other kids around.

As with other PPs, other cheaper options to look at are in home daycares and nanny shares near you. My three kids have had all sorts of childcare arrangements from SAHM to a FT nanny to a relative caring for them to an in home daycare. The in home daycare was the best for all of us.

People, can you please be realistic? Elderly MIL is not a professional child care giver. She's grandma. Grandma is likely already pretty stretched watching SIL's kids, and adding an INFANT on top of that is not just a matter of pickups and drop-offs. FFS.

Exactly. I wouldn't want two babies and a toddler in a nannyshare, regardless. Tell your DH to go to a daycare with a 1:3 ratio and see how the infants spend a lot of time crying. Getting the 3 to coordinate nap schedules (especially if the newborn is still on a 3-nap schedule) and getting outside are going to be really complicated.

It sounds like OP is dealing with people (DH, MIL and SIL) who are not reality based. Which can be really frustrating! My MIL declared she would be our nanny while I was pregnant and my DH was all for it ... but they literally had not thought out a single detail. MIL wasn't even living in our same city at the time! All I had to do is say "Well, you realize that I will need child care every day, 5 days a week, all year from around 8:30am - 5:30 pm, because I have a full time job?" And MIL immediately agreed that she could not do that.

I would put my foot down specifically about the 3 kids, and having to commute across town. Just tell your DH that it isn't going to happen. Arrange for the nanny, and tell your DH that if your MIL works out things with your SIL, then you can consider replace the nanny with her.

[Anonymous]

You do need to work this out with your MIl and DH, but it’s way to early to interview nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

Plus one. And MIL has health issues that are likely only going to worsen soon.

Plus, I'm not even sure a SAHM can do a toddler and twins, not without some pretty damn serious angst! I would think that most could manage to get through it, but it sounds awful, and I would expect she'd get at least some help during the week. Generally when we chose childcare arrangements, we don't aim for the arrangement that is the most barely manageable....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM could do a toddler and twins. Why can’t MIL?

Make dh do drop off.

Because a SAHM is 38 and MIL is 65+! Get a clue.

Plus one. And MIL has health issues that are likely only going to worsen soon.

Plus, I'm not even sure a SAHM can do a toddler and twins, not without some pretty damn serious angst! I would think that most could manage to get through it, but it sounds awful, and I would expect she'd get at least some help during the week. Generally when we chose childcare arrangements, we don't aim for the arrangement that is the most barely manageable....

Yeah this is the equivalent of a sahm that had three kids one year apart. Now add in grandma’s health issues.