Do you actively or unintentionally discourage your daughters ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a small rural town in Minnesota, and my parents NEVER talked about my future life as a mother or a wife. They encouraged me to be a curious child, educate myself, and contribute to society. Discussions of baby names, dream husbands, and the like, never happened.

I’m from the south, but same.

Two questions. One: you don't think that devoting yourself to motherhood is "contributing to society?" Two, what exactly is your wonderful contribution?

+1. And why is "discussion of baby names, dream husbands, etc" such a forbidden topic of conversation? Don't most people want to eventually settle down with someone they love and have children with them? Why do we have to act like something that is normal and desired by most humans is something that can't be discussed with our kids. Especially, heaven forbid, our daughters?

PP from south here. No, I don't really think "devoting yourself to motherhood" is necessarily contributing to society, given the environmental impact of raising several kids. There is also a positive economic impact when more women are in the workforce. Finally, I personally feel more fulfilled with looking outward and contributing to the world around me. I'm in healthcare research.

I should add that I have a young daughter (early elem). The topic of "future husbands" etc. literally never came up in my own house growing up that I can recall, and I'm really grateful my parents didn't pressure me to get married or have kids. I came to that decision on my own, after launching my career.

It's come up a few times with my daughter, but I've conveyed that she can do whatever she wants when she grows up; marriage to a man (or woman) and kids is certainly fine, if she wants those things. Finding an interesting, fulfilling career has been more emphasized. The only family expectation I've made clear is that she must be a parent to either a kid or a cat/dog, or both (we're big animal people).

[Anonymous]

Grew up with a SAHM.

I work. Would never want my child to be a SAHM. My lifestyle, finances and marriage are much better as a result of working. Being a part of an equitable marriage and coparentig is so important to me. I could never live the life my mother did or even some of my friends live.

I’ll never raise my daughters to quit their jobs so they can provide unpaid labor to men. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grew up with a SAHM.

I work. Would never want my child to be a SAHM. My lifestyle, finances and marriage are much better as a result of working. Being a part of an equitable marriage and coparentig is so important to me. I could never live the life my mother did or even some of my friends live.

I’ll never raise my daughters to quit their jobs so they can provide unpaid labor to men. Never.

+100, especially since marriage is a contractor job nowdays, not a permanent position. A divorce can leave a SAHM in a sharp financial disadvantage.

Sometimes SAHM is a forced necessity, but many times, a young mother can persevere at a job and then eventually become upwardly mobile again. Those of you that were upwardly mobile with a baby / very young child have my admiration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a small rural town in Minnesota, and my parents NEVER talked about my future life as a mother or a wife. They encouraged me to be a curious child, educate myself, and contribute to society. Discussions of baby names, dream husbands, and the like, never happened.

I’m from the south, but same.

Two questions. One: you don't think that devoting yourself to motherhood is "contributing to society?" Two, what exactly is your wonderful contribution?

+1. And why is "discussion of baby names, dream husbands, etc" such a forbidden topic of conversation? Don't most people want to eventually settle down with someone they love and have children with them? Why do we have to act like something that is normal and desired by most humans is something that can't be discussed with our kids. Especially, heaven forbid, our daughters?

It's not forbidden. But if you're gonna do it, do it with your sons too. And teach them that they too need to put in work to make healthy marriages and families work.

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?"
- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

That quote is just so 1970s feminist movement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having done both: worked at a rewarding job and been SAHM. SAHM is a full time job if your DH has long lawyer hours. Working full time was easier than SAHM. Outsourcing everything is VERY expensive.

Sure, but you have to marry a man who can support a family.

So maybe we should tell our daughters to either marry rich or get a flexible, well paying job.

Yes. Particularly a flexible well paying job. Not a job that’s 60+ hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From intense careers. I'm in twenties and realize alot of my friends feel pressure from parents to consider childbearing when deciding on a career, even if they do not have children or a boyfriend. It leads to my friends not pursuing higher paying fields. For example, my friends in med school say their moms are worried about their careers and future marriages/ children if they pursue surgery. This makes them want to lean towards lesser paying, family friendly specialties... I don't think these parents would pressure their sons in the same way.

I know my response will unleash the wrath of DCUM, but yes I basically do try to discourage my daughter's from having intense careers. I tell them that they need to look at work life balance and try to pick careers where there is more of an ability to work from home. And before anyone asks, no if I had a son, I would not give him the same advice.

The most annoying thing about your post is the incorrect use of an apostrophe. The rest of it is pretty much garbage after that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe instead of dissuading our daughters from their educational and career goals we should be teaching our sons how to be equal partners in a relationship and carry more of the weight of child rearing. I am going to be very realistic with my daughter about how much tougher it has been to "do it all" than I thought it was going to be. But I'm also going to be working my ass off to teach my son to be the kind of man who will truly pull his weight in a relationship. I've got a lot of work to do considering he has a horrible role model in that department.

Oh, and perhaps we should be pushing for more changes in our work environments as well instead of asking our daughters to compromise on the kinds of lives and careers that they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I discourage both my kids (boy and girl) from going to law school. Because I’m a lawyer and don’t think anyone should go to law school!

+1

My parents did this with me, and while I have a career I enjoy and am successful in and had good maternity benefits... I will never make as much as I would have as a lawyer, and I repeatedly find myself thinking what if... just fyi. I think there is a balance between sharing your benefit of experience versus pushing one decision as right or wrong.

I’m the OP here. I’m clearly not going to forbid (not that I think I have the right or the ability to do so anyway) my kids from going to law school. It’s just that I personally hated law school, it’s expensive, you delay workforce entry by 3 years, and the ROI is only very good for a very small percentage of graduates. If they still feel the burning desire to become lawyers, I will give my standard advice. Only do so if you can go to a top school and are positioned to be in the top half of your class or a lower ranked school if you get a lot of aid and bust your rear end to be at the top of your class.

[Anonymous]

No thanks. Check out this thread where female lawyers exhibit stockholm syndrome by setting up working a few days after birth as a good thing (or in one case 6 hours delivery) and people mentioning that law firms deliberately staff female lawyers on difficult cases while pregnant to test their "dedication". Forgive me but I want my daughter to be able to rest after delivery and not view this sadistic work ethic as something to be proud of.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/75/798539.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No thanks. Check out this thread where female lawyers exhibit stockholm syndrome by setting up working a few days after birth as a good thing (or in one case 6 hours delivery) and people mentioning that law firms deliberately staff female lawyers on difficult cases while pregnant to test their "dedication". Forgive me but I want my daughter to be able to rest after delivery and not view this sadistic work ethic as something to be proud of.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/75/798539.page

I'm a lawyer and have never experienced any of that. My job was super flexible when I had kids (and I was on forced bed rest with twins so I worked out of the office for three months before they were born and then took three months of maternity leave). I came back in exactly the same place I left, not behind at all. My maternity leave was fully paid. I have only continued to make more and more money as time goes on. I have a flexible job now where I can work from home, take half days, take time off, never work weekends, etc., and still make really good money.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't actively discourage my son or daughter from pursuing any particular field, but I would encourage them when choosing a career to think about their interests, their strengths, and what kind of life they want. Do they want to work 80 hour weeks like my physician father, who rarely ate family dinner but did see us kids on the weekends? Do they want to have a 2 working spouse family like me and DH, who share work, parenting, and household chores pretty much evenly? Do they want to stay home with kids, and if so, how do they plan to finance that and make sure they can support themselves if anything happens to their partner? I think these are reasonable things to talk about, along with general education about life, finances, talking about not getting pregnant without a partner (for DD) or getting a woman pregnant unintentionally (DS), etc.

My kids are both under 6 so at their current stage it's just about their interests, but my son has already talked about having children and I have told him it is something grownups do after they are married and have a job! Starting small here. But I can certainly see having these discussions in another few years.

My own father, who still works crazy hours at 75, discouraged me from becoming a doctor. And he was right to do so because while I am interested in science and medicine, it's not where my natural talents lie. Recognizing that, he encouraged me to become a lawyer, which I did, and I initially worked crazy hours for a few years before deciding to take myself out of the rat race and take a more flexible (and lower-paying) job with the government. I think my dad is still a bit disappointed that I didn't shoot for partner, but I am very successful at my agency and pursued an upward path while pregnant and raising small kids, so I am satisfied. I am at the top of the heap in my "B" job and as a type A personality, I'd rather be at the top of a smaller hill than in the middle of a larger one.

At the end of the day you have to be happy and what that means will be different for each person. I wish I made more money -- doesn't everyone? -- but I know the trade-off would be not seeing my kids, and neither DH nor I is willing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe instead of dissuading our daughters from their educational and career goals we should be teaching our sons how to be equal partners in a relationship and carry more of the weight of child rearing. I am going to be very realistic with my daughter about how much tougher it has been to "do it all" than I thought it was going to be. But I'm also going to be working my ass off to teach my son to be the kind of man who will truly pull his weight in a relationship. I've got a lot of work to do considering he has a horrible role model in that department.

Oh, and perhaps we should be pushing for more changes in our work environments as well instead of asking our daughters to compromise on the kinds of lives and careers that they want.

Most women would be happy if men stopped becoming violent criminals. I’m more concerned about the crimes by men than if they do the dishes. Male violence is insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No thanks. Check out this thread where female lawyers exhibit stockholm syndrome by setting up working a few days after birth as a good thing (or in one case 6 hours delivery) and people mentioning that law firms deliberately staff female lawyers on difficult cases while pregnant to test their "dedication". Forgive me but I want my daughter to be able to rest after delivery and not view this sadistic work ethic as something to be proud of.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/75/798539.page

I'm a lawyer and have never experienced any of that. My job was super flexible when I had kids (and I was on forced bed rest with twins so I worked out of the office for three months before they were born and then took three months of maternity leave). I came back in exactly the same place I left, not behind at all. My maternity leave was fully paid. I have only continued to make more and more money as time goes on. I have a flexible job now where I can work from home, take half days, take time off, never work weekends, etc., and still make really good money.

Yes but were you in big law or did you take a more “mommy friendly” law job? So in that sense would you encourage your daughter who was a lawyer to avoid what many view as the pinnacle of big bucks and ambition - to excel at a big law job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't actively discourage my son or daughter from pursuing any particular field, but I would encourage them when choosing a career to think about their interests, their strengths, and what kind of life they want. Do they want to work 80 hour weeks like my physician father, who rarely ate family dinner but did see us kids on the weekends? Do they want to have a 2 working spouse family like me and DH, who share work, parenting, and household chores pretty much evenly? Do they want to stay home with kids, and if so, how do they plan to finance that and make sure they can support themselves if anything happens to their partner? I think these are reasonable things to talk about, along with general education about life, finances, talking about not getting pregnant without a partner (for DD) or getting a woman pregnant unintentionally (DS), etc.

My kids are both under 6 so at their current stage it's just about their interests, but my son has already talked about having children and I have told him it is something grownups do after they are married and have a job! Starting small here. But I can certainly see having these discussions in another few years.

My own father, who still works crazy hours at 75, discouraged me from becoming a doctor. And he was right to do so because while I am interested in science and medicine, it's not where my natural talents lie. Recognizing that, he encouraged me to become a lawyer, which I did, and I initially worked crazy hours for a few years before deciding to take myself out of the rat race and take a more flexible (and lower-paying) job with the government. I think my dad is still a bit disappointed that I didn't shoot for partner, but I am very successful at my agency and pursued an upward path while pregnant and raising small kids, so I am satisfied. I am at the top of the heap in my "B" job and as a type A personality, I'd rather be at the top of a smaller hill than in the middle of a larger one.

At the end of the day you have to be happy and what that means will be different for each person. I wish I made more money -- doesn't everyone? -- but I know the trade-off would be not seeing my kids, and neither DH nor I is willing to do that.

I agree with this, so much.

My husband is a physician who works long days and is pretty much absent during the week, and only home in weekends. I gave up my career when we decided to have kids, and it wasn’t a step we took blindly. We saved 100% of my income leading up to me getting pregnant, and then I became a SAHM. Before that, I took out enough in life insurance to not only pay off our house in the event my husband does, but also to live comfortably for a few years. My kids are older and I still SAH, now mostly out of convenience.

I’d encourage my girl to do whatever she wants, but to also know that everything has a trade off.

[Anonymous]

I will be sad if my daughter gets into a situation where she is the breadwinner or has a house/lifestyle that requires 2 incomes, but then has kids and realizes she wants to stay home but can’t. If she is happy bring the breadwinner or being part of a 2-income family, that’s great, but I just don’t want her to get locked into that because she didn’t consider that she might want to stay home.