Do you actively or unintentionally discourage your daughters ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I know from experience that you can't have it all. Something has to take a backseat.

I'm teaching my daughters this now.

Will you also teach this to your sons if you have them?

Why do we only teach this idea to our daughters?

NP and yes I have sons as well, and yes I plan on talking about work-life balance regarding kids and career. The cruel truth though is that biology works in favor of men. They have a longer period of time that they can father children (the men in my family have had kids into their early 60s, just not possible for women) and don't have to deal with pregnancy, childbirth and nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, my DD is a badass at a top university doing well and aiming for an MD PhD.
This is what happens when you don’t help with homework.

Sigh. If only if it were that easy, or all kids were the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women and men are not the same. Men do not get pregnant, give birth or breastfeed. So if those things are part of a woman's vision for the future then they need to plan differently than a man or woman who doesn't want those things.

You can't have it all. There are finite hours in a day and a week. Many women (at all) are still more likely to want to spend more time with their children in the early years and many men (not all) are still more likely to want to be the provider for their family. What makes people feel valued and productive and fulfilled varies - and that should drive where they prioritize their time.

I have two siblings - my older brother is an engineer and his wife is a SAHM. My younger brother is a SAHD and his wife is a physician. My brother also does some part time consultant work. It works well for both of them. The more career oriented person is building their career and the more maternal / paternal oriented person is at home with the kids. It was important to my younger brother to maintain some paid employment and so he has. My SAHM SIL has gotten very involved in a couple charitable organizations where she volunteers and that gives her meaning outside of her at home role.

When his kids were really young, my older brother was able to flex his day and be home by 3:30, and he worked from home 1 day a week.

My Dr SIL is now considering a chance so she can be home more as she is finding she is missing too much of her kids lives.

If you put your time and effort into what you need to feel productive and fuilfilled and then shift that as time goes, that to me is the best of both worlds.

I think we will see a rise in SAHDs when our kids are older. There is a recognition of a benefit to one parent taking on the kids while the other focuses on career, and I think this next generation will be more open to dads taking on that role than our own was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have longtime friends with more intense jobs and more kids than I have, and they seem genuinely happy and on top of their game. I struggle with a 9-5 and one child. It’s a personality thing. I’ve always been a low-energy, anxious person. My friends are optimistic extroverts.

I agree. I also have ADHD and a child with ADHD. It’d would be hard for regardless of the occupation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, no. These sound like mothers from small towns where their self worth is wrapped up in their marriage and procreating.

Luckily, I'm from NY. My girls should do whatever makes them happy. I have three, and only one definitely wants kids. That's fine by me, as long as they're happy.

Hilarious!

Despite living in such a cosmopolitan city, so many New Yorkers have such an ignorant, provincial view of the world.

I agree. My ILs are the same way. Why is that? I often feel embarrassed for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a small rural town in Minnesota, and my parents NEVER talked about my future life as a mother or a wife. They encouraged me to be a curious child, educate myself, and contribute to society. Discussions of baby names, dream husbands, and the like, never happened.

I’m from the south, but same.

[Anonymous]

The reL question is: why are DCUM people so engaged in trying to compete with NYC - half (or more) of whom have probably never been there? Let it go, people. Very different cities, and not everything is about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have longtime friends with more intense jobs and more kids than I have, and they seem genuinely happy and on top of their game. I struggle with a 9-5 and one child. It’s a personality thing. I’ve always been a low-energy, anxious person. My friends are optimistic extroverts.

I agree. I also have ADHD and a child with ADHD. It’d would be hard for regardless of the occupation.

Meant to say that it would be hard for me regardless of the occupation. I am worried about my child with ADHD: he’s exceptionally bright but just does not have endurance or drive. I also had a lot of potential when I was young, but it did not amount to anything.

[Anonymous]

I wish boys were raised to know that when they focus on career they sacrifice something with their families, and that women weren’t the only ones who were taught that.

[Anonymous]

No. No one can have it all, but it's up to each of us to find the balance that works for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, my DD is a badass at a top university doing well and aiming for an MD PhD.
This is what happens when you don’t help with homework.

Great that your daughter didn't need help and had no learning differences. But, honestly what you wrote was totally ridiculous as if helping someone keeps them back from pursing their dreams. Guess you don't know anyone with dyslexia!

[Anonymous]

I get where the OP is coming from. I remember being in my 20s and suddenly realizing that all the girl power feminist stuff that my friends and I talked about in college was quickly overtaken as almost all of them quickly got married and had kids and dropped/scaled back their careers in the mid/late 20s. I was a bit naive and kind of shocked, and I also felt like I'd been misled a bit.

It all worked out just fine for me in the long run, as I presume it has for them - I found someone later (mid30s) and then by the time I had kids I had a lot of flexibility. I feel like I have had a chance to "have it all" - just not all at once. My college friends may feel the same as they approach their 50s with nests that are emptying faster than mine will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From intense careers. I'm in twenties and realize alot of my friends feel pressure from parents to consider childbearing when deciding on a career, even if they do not have children or a boyfriend. It leads to my friends not pursuing higher paying fields. For example, my friends in med school say their moms are worried about their careers and future marriages/ children if they pursue surgery. This makes them want to lean towards lesser paying, family friendly specialties... I don't think these parents would pressure their sons in the same way.

I know my response will unleash the wrath of DCUM, but yes I basically do try to discourage my daughter's from having intense careers. I tell them that they need to look at work life balance and try to pick careers where there is more of an ability to work from home. And before anyone asks, no if I had a son, I would not give him the same advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women and men are not the same. Men do not get pregnant, give birth or breastfeed. So if those things are part of a woman's vision for the future then they need to plan differently than a man or woman who doesn't want those things.

You can't have it all. There are finite hours in a day and a week. Many women (at all) are still more likely to want to spend more time with their children in the early years and many men (not all) are still more likely to want to be the provider for their family. What makes people feel valued and productive and fulfilled varies - and that should drive where they prioritize their time.

I have two siblings - my older brother is an engineer and his wife is a SAHM. My younger brother is a SAHD and his wife is a physician. My brother also does some part time consultant work. It works well for both of them. The more career oriented person is building their career and the more maternal / paternal oriented person is at home with the kids. It was important to my younger brother to maintain some paid employment and so he has. My SAHM SIL has gotten very involved in a couple charitable organizations where she volunteers and that gives her meaning outside of her at home role.

When his kids were really young, my older brother was able to flex his day and be home by 3:30, and he worked from home 1 day a week.

My Dr SIL is now considering a chance so she can be home more as she is finding she is missing too much of her kids lives.

If you put your time and effort into what you need to feel productive and fuilfilled and then shift that as time goes, that to me is the best of both worlds.

I think we will see a rise in SAHDs when our kids are older. There is a recognition of a benefit to one parent taking on the kids while the other focuses on career, and I think this next generation will be more open to dads taking on that role than our own was.[/quote]


Except most mothers want to be the parent that takes the more active role. It's biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a small rural town in Minnesota, and my parents NEVER talked about my future life as a mother or a wife. They encouraged me to be a curious child, educate myself, and contribute to society. Discussions of baby names, dream husbands, and the like, never happened.

I’m from the south, but same.

Two questions. One: you don't think that devoting yourself to motherhood is "contributing to society?" Two, what exactly is your wonderful contribution?