Grandma not going to DS Graduation

[Anonymous]

OP, regardless of how you personally feel about it, you should help your son see that this is not a referendum on their relationship and he can choose not to take it personally. Even if you don't agree with them, the responses to your post should help you frame grandma's decision in a way so that your son can learn to be ok with her decision not to attend.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting that people think graduations are family obligations, but weddings aren't. I think the exact opposite. Graduations are just normal, expected passages. Weddings are the start of a new family.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t fly to attend a HS graduation in Nebraska either.

The kid is old enough to call his grandmother and either tell her he really wants her there or plan an alternative place/time for them to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you and think your MIL is crappy for blowing your kid’s graduation off. While she’s obviously not obligated to be there, it’d be nice if she wanted to be there. For everyone saying that graduations are boring and your kid won’t have much time to spend with him, I wonder what they’d say if you came here asking if your son should attend a function for your MIL that would be boring and not give her much of a chance to interact with him.

I also understand your impulse to be hurt in your son’s behalf. What would bother me is that you know she’d be there if she wanted to be. I’m sorry.

A 70something not wanting to deal with air travel and sitting on a bleacher or folding chair for three hours does not equal "blowing off" anything. She will likely send a card and/or a gift, and probably will call as well. (Even OP admits she's a grandma who has a good relationship with her grandson.) They can have a special visit later. My goodness, you people are really quite myopic and selfish if you think a good grandma is "blowing off" her grandson just because she doesn't want to fly to sit through a cattle call style event.

Grandma travels when she wants to. And, no matter the style of the graduation (depending on the school, it may not be a cattle call event), it’s important to the graduate and he wants to share it with grandma. You seem to be ok with teaching this young man that you show up for family when its fun and convenient. Thankfully, it sounds like OP holds herself and her son to a higher standard, even if MIL can’t be bothered to make that effort.

I do hope that OP can help her son not take It personally, but make no mistake it is personal. I also hope OP can help her son express his disappointment to his grandmother. If her son is like mine, he’s hesitant because it feels disrespectful to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you and think your MIL is crappy for blowing your kid’s graduation off. While she’s obviously not obligated to be there, it’d be nice if she wanted to be there. For everyone saying that graduations are boring and your kid won’t have much time to spend with him, I wonder what they’d say if you came here asking if your son should attend a function for your MIL that would be boring and not give her much of a chance to interact with him.

I also understand your impulse to be hurt in your son’s behalf. What would bother me is that you know she’d be there if she wanted to be. I’m sorry.

A 70something not wanting to deal with air travel and sitting on a bleacher or folding chair for three hours does not equal "blowing off" anything. She will likely send a card and/or a gift, and probably will call as well. (Even OP admits she's a grandma who has a good relationship with her grandson.) They can have a special visit later. My goodness, you people are really quite myopic and selfish if you think a good grandma is "blowing off" her grandson just because she doesn't want to fly to sit through a cattle call style event.

Grandma travels when she wants to. And, no matter the style of the graduation (depending on the school, it may not be a cattle call event), it’s important to the graduate and he wants to share it with grandma. You seem to be ok with teaching this young man that you show up for family when its fun and convenient. Thankfully, it sounds like OP holds herself and her son to a higher standard, even if MIL can’t be bothered to make that effort.

I do hope that OP can help her son not take It personally, but make no mistake it is personal. I also hope OP can help her son express his disappointment to his grandmother. If her son is like mine, he’s hesitant because it feels disrespectful to do so.

I have a large family that is spread out. Sometimes various people make various events, and others don't. Each and every grandparent didn't attend every swim meet, graduation, school play or whatnot that I ever had, but family always showed up in some way for family, and I never doubted their love for me or their pride in me. If you make love and support = showing up for every single thing, then you will be disappointed. Stew in your bitterness over perceived slights, that's fine: it's just a horrible example for your children.

[Anonymous]

So DS calls grandma and says that he's disappointed she's not coming and to let him know if she changes her mind and can make it.

You stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS calls grandma and says that he's disappointed she's not coming and to let him know if she changes her mind and can make it.

You stay out of it.

This. Graduations aren't as big of a deal as weddings, funerals, and new babies unless not too many people in your family have graduated before.

DS needs to call Grandma and let her know he would like her to be there and it means a lot to him.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised by the answers here.

Graduations are a big deal to the graduates. It is sad and crappy that grandma won’t attend. Honestly, shame on Grandma. I would be angry.

Seriously I think this generation of grandparents is ridiculously selfish. If you have means and don’t have a job or serious health issue, why can’t you go to your grandson’s graduation? What is more important than that? What the hell else do you have going on?

Step up and recognize this as an important day for your grandson and his parents. I would be delighted if my grandson wanted me at his graduation and would move heaven and earth to support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Grandma travels when she wants to. And, no matter the style of the graduation (depending on the school, it may not be a cattle call event), it’s important to the graduate and he wants to share it with grandma. You seem to be ok with teaching this young man that you show up for family when its fun and convenient. Thankfully, it sounds like OP holds herself and her son to a higher standard, even if MIL can’t be bothered to make that effort.

I do hope that OP can help her son not take It personally, but make no mistake it is personal. I also hope OP can help her son express his disappointment to his grandmother. If her son is like mine, he’s hesitant because it feels disrespectful to do so.

Oh my god, so much drama. It's not personal unless grandma goes to other graduations but not this one. They have a great relationship. Don't ruin it by giving this one thing so much power. Clearly MIL has been doing something right all these years. Let it go, don't wallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You extended an invitation; invitations are not summons. She declined the invitation. You can get DS excited about looking forward to another visit in the late spring/early summer--ask her to start planning something with you now so you can share that with him.

The first thing you wrote about your mom is that she is very close to your son. Pause and be grateful for that.

This, but also, if you extended the invitation, DS should call her to invite her personally. She might be thinking (wrongly) that he doesn't want her there.

+1 or that he doesn't care if she comes or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised by the answers here.

Graduations are a big deal to the graduates. It is sad and crappy that grandma won’t attend. Honestly, shame on Grandma. I would be angry.

Seriously I think this generation of grandparents is ridiculously selfish. If you have means and don’t have a job or serious health issue, why can’t you go to your grandson’s graduation? What is more important than that? What the hell else do you have going on?

Step up and recognize this as an important day for your grandson and his parents. I would be delighted if my grandson wanted me at his graduation and would move heaven and earth to support him.

Grandma is probably 70+ years old. These sorts of events get harder as one gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting that people think graduations are family obligations, but weddings aren't. I think the exact opposite. Graduations are just normal, expected passages. Weddings are the start of a new family.

To be fair, I think that was just one whackadoodle who considers hs graduations to be more important than weddings.

[Anonymous]

Your kid needs to pick up the phone and call grandma to invite her and convey he wants her to attend, if that is the case.

Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

You should check to see if it’s streamed online— I mean my FILs funeral was streamed online for people who couldn’t attend. . After the ceremony do a FaceTime with her. I’m sure she’ll send a nice check for graduation. DONE. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Op, graduating from high school is expected. They darn well better graduate from high school. This is not an achievement. Well. perhaps if there is a unique hone bestowed on them ... It can be a reason for a party as it's a milestone. But it seems Grandma knows correctly that she will be one of many. It probably isn't that this is unacceptable, but she has a preference to visit when there isn't as much going on. It's a preference. Let her have a preference. This is a reasonable preference - whether you/or son agree or understand.