Grandma not going to DS Graduation

[Anonymous]

My MIL often declines invitations with comments similar to what the OP stated. She truely doesn't want to be in the way. Every single time this has happened a phone call to her from the grandchild involved has solved the problem. Think the best of her and go at it with a positive attitude and you will end up in a better place. Have you DS call his grandmother and tell her that he really does want her to be part of this day. If she doesn't feel up to the travel he understands but she is wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You extended an invitation; invitations are not summons. She declined the invitation. You can get DS excited about looking forward to another visit in the late spring/early summer--ask her to start planning something with you now so you can share that with him.

The first thing you wrote about your mom is that she is very close to your son. Pause and be grateful for that.

This, but also, if you extended the invitation, DS should call her to invite her personally. She might be thinking (wrongly) that he doesn't want her there.

I didn't (OP again), he did. He has been speaking to her.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, will DS have much time for Grandma? And OP, if you don’t think it’s a big deal to attend graduations yourself, why don’t you share this wisdom with DS rather than getting outraged on his behalf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

NP and +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will DS have much time for Grandma? And OP, if you don’t think it’s a big deal to attend graduations yourself, why don’t you share this wisdom with DS rather than getting outraged on his behalf?

Oddly enough, the knowledge that I did not attend my own graduations did not really have much of an impact on his desire to have his grandmother attend his.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you are going to keep going, but I'll say one final time:

Your family is very lucky to have a grandma who is close to your son. Everything else is just not that big of a deal. Plan a late spring/early summer visit and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will DS have much time for Grandma? And OP, if you don’t think it’s a big deal to attend graduations yourself, why don’t you share this wisdom with DS rather than getting outraged on his behalf?

+1

Graduations are more boring than watching paint dry (and I'm including my own), and realistically, your son is going to be very busy with events and friends that weekend. He'll maybe have time for a family dinner. Not worth travelling for, IMO. And grandma might feel in the way or marginal.

If your son really, really, really wants Grandma there, he should tell her so. And then he should accept it if she says no, and not make it into some big referendum on either her character or their relationship.

[Anonymous]

I am on the fence as to whether this is a family obligation. You say grandma is in good health and travels frequently, so that makes me think she should go. On the other hand, graduations are long, mostly pretty boring, and about the graduate. A grandmother may feel superfluous, or not up for sitting in the sun, or even sitting in an auditorium chair for several hours. Things are usually very crowded and hectic, with rushing to get places, parking and having a long walk, then walking to the department to get the actual diploma (the last two graduations I've been to have required this, not sure how typical that is), lots of friends about, crowded restaurants, etc.

I think a gracious thing to do would be for Grandma to say, darling boy, I'm so proud of you. It's too much for me to come and I don't want to be in the way. Come see me when it's over and we'll have a nice chat (where I will present you with a hefty check). But maybe only I dream of having a wealthy waspy grandmother who invites me for tea in her wood paneled library.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

I never said weddings and funerals were NBD. Christenings on the other hand, like graduations, skip.

It sounds like you are really angry at her for not coming.

[Anonymous]

Forget it. My mom is like that and her boyfriend is the priority. My parents wouldn't come to my graduation so I skipped them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence as to whether this is a family obligation. You say grandma is in good health and travels frequently, so that makes me think she should go. On the other hand, graduations are long, mostly pretty boring, and about the graduate. A grandmother may feel superfluous, or not up for sitting in the sun, or even sitting in an auditorium chair for several hours. Things are usually very crowded and hectic, with rushing to get places, parking and having a long walk, then walking to the department to get the actual diploma (the last two graduations I've been to have required this, not sure how typical that is), lots of friends about, crowded restaurants, etc.

I think a gracious thing to do would be for Grandma to say, darling boy, I'm so proud of you. It's too much for me to come and I don't want to be in the way. Come see me when it's over and we'll have a nice chat (where I will present you with a hefty check). But maybe only I dream of having a wealthy waspy grandmother who invites me for tea in her wood paneled library.

You and OP can be "on the fence" about whether this is a family obligation or not all you want. Bottom line? It's an invitation, not a summons, and grandma doesn't have to go. And she doesn't need a reason or an excuse; she chooses how she spends her time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

I never said weddings and funerals were NBD. Christenings on the other hand, like graduations, skip.

It sounds like you are really angry at her for not coming.

I know, I said it. I also said *most* funerals, and that many will disagree with me.

Yes, I think I mentioned that in my OP, and I'm sure that is likely to other baggage as well, but certainly nobody wants to read a 750 dissertation on past issues, nor do I want to write one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence as to whether this is a family obligation. You say grandma is in good health and travels frequently, so that makes me think she should go. On the other hand, graduations are long, mostly pretty boring, and about the graduate. A grandmother may feel superfluous, or not up for sitting in the sun, or even sitting in an auditorium chair for several hours. Things are usually very crowded and hectic, with rushing to get places, parking and having a long walk, then walking to the department to get the actual diploma (the last two graduations I've been to have required this, not sure how typical that is), lots of friends about, crowded restaurants, etc.

I think a gracious thing to do would be for Grandma to say, darling boy, I'm so proud of you. It's too much for me to come and I don't want to be in the way. Come see me when it's over and we'll have a nice chat (where I will present you with a hefty check). But maybe only I dream of having a wealthy waspy grandmother who invites me for tea in her wood paneled library.

You and OP can be "on the fence" about whether this is a family obligation or not all you want. Bottom line? It's an invitation, not a summons, and grandma doesn't have to go. And she doesn't need a reason or an excuse; she chooses how she spends her time and energy.

You really like to repeat that don't you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you are going to keep going, but I'll say one final time:

Your family is very lucky to have a grandma who is close to your son. Everything else is just not that big of a deal. Plan a late spring/early summer visit and move on.

I thought it was customary to respond.