Grandma not going to DS Graduation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you are going to keep going, but I'll say one final time:

Your family is very lucky to have a grandma who is close to your son. Everything else is just not that big of a deal. Plan a late spring/early summer visit and move on.

I thought it was customary to respond.

OK, but when everyone is essentially saying the same thing? You're obviously not actually looking for advice, perspective and guidance. You're looking to vent and stew. Which is fine, but that's a different original post. You directly asked for input and advice, we gave it, and you're doubling down on resentment. You've made your choice: stewing and resentment. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

I never said weddings and funerals were NBD. Christenings on the other hand, like graduations, skip.

It sounds like you are really angry at her for not coming.

I know, I said it. I also said *most* funerals, and that many will disagree with me.

Yes, I think I mentioned that in my OP, and I'm sure that is likely to other baggage as well, but certainly nobody wants to read a 750 dissertation on past issues, nor do I want to write one!

Your OP asked what to do, so I guess my advice is to let it go. If your son is so upset he can pick up the phone and call granny. She might still say no, but at least they spoke. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Take this as a blessing in disguise.

Grandma is freeing you from visits of obligation. This is awesome! You only have to visit if you feel like it. No more going because it’s the right thing to do or because you feel you should foster a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence as to whether this is a family obligation. You say grandma is in good health and travels frequently, so that makes me think she should go. On the other hand, graduations are long, mostly pretty boring, and about the graduate. A grandmother may feel superfluous, or not up for sitting in the sun, or even sitting in an auditorium chair for several hours. Things are usually very crowded and hectic, with rushing to get places, parking and having a long walk, then walking to the department to get the actual diploma (the last two graduations I've been to have required this, not sure how typical that is), lots of friends about, crowded restaurants, etc.

I think a gracious thing to do would be for Grandma to say, darling boy, I'm so proud of you. It's too much for me to come and I don't want to be in the way. Come see me when it's over and we'll have a nice chat (where I will present you with a hefty check). But maybe only I dream of having a wealthy waspy grandmother who invites me for tea in her wood paneled library.

You and OP can be "on the fence" about whether this is a family obligation or not all you want. Bottom line? It's an invitation, not a summons, and grandma doesn't have to go. And she doesn't need a reason or an excuse; she chooses how she spends her time and energy.

You really like to repeat that don't you

You really resent that it's true, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a blessing in disguise.

Grandma is freeing you from visits of obligation. This is awesome! You only have to visit if you feel like it. No more going because it’s the right thing to do or because you feel you should foster a relationship with her.

Holding on to that hot coal must feel good.

[Anonymous]

Graduations are unbelievably boring and the seating notoriously uncomfortable. No one wants to sit through,especially an older person who might have stiff joints, or need to use the bathroom more often and urgently etc. No one came to my graduation and I wouldn’t have gone to my own if I hadn’t been working security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you are going to keep going, but I'll say one final time:

Your family is very lucky to have a grandma who is close to your son. Everything else is just not that big of a deal. Plan a late spring/early summer visit and move on.

Ma
I thought it was customary to respond.

OK, but when everyone is essentially saying the same thing? You're obviously not actually looking for advice, perspective and guidance. You're looking to vent and stew. Which is fine, but that's a different original post. You directly asked for input and advice, we gave it, and you're doubling down on resentment. You've made your choice: stewing and resentment. Own it.

?

Other than writing about considering it a family obligation, I don't know where you got the "doubling down". Maybe I should sign every post to be clear. OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence as to whether this is a family obligation. You say grandma is in good health and travels frequently, so that makes me think she should go. On the other hand, graduations are long, mostly pretty boring, and about the graduate. A grandmother may feel superfluous, or not up for sitting in the sun, or even sitting in an auditorium chair for several hours. Things are usually very crowded and hectic, with rushing to get places, parking and having a long walk, then walking to the department to get the actual diploma (the last two graduations I've been to have required this, not sure how typical that is), lots of friends about, crowded restaurants, etc.

I think a gracious thing to do would be for Grandma to say, darling boy, I'm so proud of you. It's too much for me to come and I don't want to be in the way. Come see me when it's over and we'll have a nice chat (where I will present you with a hefty check). But maybe only I dream of having a wealthy waspy grandmother who invites me for tea in her wood paneled library.

You and OP can be "on the fence" about whether this is a family obligation or not all you want. Bottom line? It's an invitation, not a summons, and grandma doesn't have to go. And she doesn't need a reason or an excuse; she chooses how she spends her time and energy.

You really like to repeat that don't you

DP, but it bears repeating because it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

I never said weddings and funerals were NBD. Christenings on the other hand, like graduations, skip.

It sounds like you are really angry at her for not coming.

I know, I said it. I also said *most* funerals, and that many will disagree with me.

Yes, I think I mentioned that in my OP, and I'm sure that is likely to other baggage as well, but certainly nobody wants to read a 750 dissertation on past issues, nor do I want to write one!

Your OP asked what to do, so I guess my advice is to let it go. If your son is so upset he can pick up the phone and call granny. She might still say no, but at least they spoke. Good luck.

You are right, of course. And he has, and she did (which was what actually sparked my post) I mentioned that somewhere but not in the above. Thanks.
OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I believe there are family obligations. I do not believe that graduations are family obligations, at least not for anyone other than the graduate's parents. They are not that big of a deal, there are lots of other ways to acknowledge someone's graduation, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the graduate because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness, at most, 30 seconds of you walking across a stage is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

[Anonymous]

Interesting the comments here. My nephew is graduating in a few weeks and I am absolutely flying to be there as he asked me and wants me there. My parents are going, too. If I couldn't afford it I would do something else but seems strange to me that a grandmother wouldn't want to see her grandchild celebrate this milestone. Sorry your son's feelings are hurt OP, but probably a good life lesson for him, here.

[Anonymous]

OK I see I made some wrong "assumptions" too in my last post so ignore.