Grandma not going to DS Graduation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, graduations are long and boring. There's about 2 minutes of total activity, with hours and hours of wait time. It doesn't mean she isn't proud of him or excited for him - but once you've attended one graduation, you've attended them all.

Hell, I know so many people that skipped out on their college and graduate graduations, because the ceremonies are an annoying chore. There are a million other ways you can celebrate the occasion besides sitting in a hard chair in a crowded room for hours on end.

I skipped my undergraduate graduation. My dad and I packed up the car, got lunch in a near-empty restaurant, and hit the road before the traffic got jacked up from the stadium lot emptying. It was really nice. Still had a party in my hometown, still got my diploma, etc.

For my graduate degree, my family came to see me walk--it was GW, so it was on the Mall in front of the Capitol. Now THAT was something!

[Anonymous]

A high school graduation?? Is your son the valedictorian? If not, a flight plus hours of uncomfortable seating for a quick walk on the stage and a handshake?? This is ridiculous. Graduations are dreadful...

[Anonymous]

You should suggest to your son that he start planning something with grandma so they can celebrate his graduation together. They have a special bond and relationship, so you should be encouraging their relationship and helping your child accept grandma’s decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

NP. I think you're wrong OP. And your newly minted high school graduate gets to learn an adult lesson now - not everyone does what you want them to. BTW, many old people have issues that they're not comfortable telling people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

Lesson learned: don't make assumptions. Most of those details aren't relevant.

They are to those of you who don't get that whether or not you think something is an "obligation" is irrelevant when the decision is, ultimately, up to someone else. Some will wonder about health, or traveling distance, or whether the moon is in the second house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. But at the end of the day, it is an invitation, and grandma is the one who gets to decide whether she wants to accept or decline.

Here's what we do know about Grandma: she's a good grandma, but you don't much like her. And that's fine--complain and vent away. But don't dress it up like asking for advice or perspective.

Based on what? That OP said they good relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I believe there are family obligations. I do not believe that graduations are family obligations, at least not for anyone other than the graduate's parents. They are not that big of a deal, there are lots of other ways to acknowledge someone's graduation, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the graduate because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness, at most, 30 seconds of you walking across a stage is not reasonable.

I believe there are family obligations, but definitely not weddings. Those are not achievements, unlike graduating from something. So you found someone to marry for the first, second, or third time. They are not that big of a deal, most of the world's population marries, there are lots of way to acknowledge it, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the bride and groom because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness your undying love to someone you'll 50/50 divorce is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

If your son is very close to his grandmother, presumably that’s because she’s an engaged and involved grandparent. Thus, it appears that her decision not to come to the graduation is somewhat out of character for her. Given that, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she has a good reason for not making a trip but is not comfortable sharing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

Lesson learned: don't make assumptions. Most of those details aren't relevant.

They are to those of you who don't get that whether or not you think something is an "obligation" is irrelevant when the decision is, ultimately, up to someone else. Some will wonder about health, or traveling distance, or whether the moon is in the second house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. But at the end of the day, it is an invitation, and grandma is the one who gets to decide whether she wants to accept or decline.

Here's what we do know about Grandma: she's a good grandma, but you don't much like her. And that's fine--complain and vent away. But don't dress it up like asking for advice or perspective.

Based on what? That OP said they good relationship?

Um, yes. Do follow along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I believe there are family obligations. I do not believe that graduations are family obligations, at least not for anyone other than the graduate's parents. They are not that big of a deal, there are lots of other ways to acknowledge someone's graduation, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the graduate because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness, at most, 30 seconds of you walking across a stage is not reasonable.

I believe there are family obligations, but definitely not weddings. Those are not achievements, unlike graduating from something. So you found someone to marry for the first, second, or third time. They are not that big of a deal, most of the world's population marries, there are lots of way to acknowledge it, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the bride and groom because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness your undying love to someone you'll 50/50 divorce is not reasonable.

It is an achievement. Not everyone who wants to be married, or wants to be married even to a specific person, is able to achieve that. It is also the bringing together of two families, so it's not just about a cake and signing a piece of paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I believe there are family obligations. I do not believe that graduations are family obligations, at least not for anyone other than the graduate's parents. They are not that big of a deal, there are lots of other ways to acknowledge someone's graduation, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the graduate because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness, at most, 30 seconds of you walking across a stage is not reasonable.

I believe there are family obligations, but definitely not weddings. Those are not achievements, unlike graduating from something. So you found someone to marry for the first, second, or third time. They are not that big of a deal, most of the world's population marries, there are lots of way to acknowledge it, they are really boring, they often involve sitting for a long time in uncomfortable folding chairs and/or the sun, and you actually see very little of the bride and groom because they are busy with official events and friends. Being really upset that someone does not want to sit in a huge crowd to witness your undying love to someone you'll 50/50 divorce is not reasonable.

It is an achievement. Not everyone who wants to be married, or wants to be married even to a specific person, is able to achieve that. It is also the bringing together of two families, so it's not just about a cake and signing a piece of paper.

I don't think that poster was serious. I think s/he was snarking on the comment that a graduation is not in the category of "family obligations." (I'd add, especially not a freaking HIGH SCHOOL graduation.) Also, I've never been to a wedding that lasted 3 hours, or a crowd as big as that at most graduations. A wedding is a personal event, specific to the people getting married. A graduation ceremony is a cattle call.

[Anonymous]

Is this because it’s a boarding school like andover and therefore everyone there thinks it’s very special?

I think the obvious answers are: 1) let kid make his pitch to grandma about how his a capella group is singing and he really wants her there to see what has been a very treasured part of his life and meet all his good friends who have heard so much about her; and 2) if that fails, offer to throw him a nice dinner or small family party the following weekend or when he returns home so that grandma can celebrate with him in a more personal way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You extended an invitation; invitations are not summons. She declined the invitation. You can get DS excited about looking forward to another visit in the late spring/early summer--ask her to start planning something with you now so you can share that with him.

The first thing you wrote about your mom is that she is very close to your son. Pause and be grateful for that.

I love this. “Invitations are not a summons”. Gonna use it.

OP: It’s not your problem. It’s you sons. Tell him to call his grandma and address it with her. For God’s sake Mom, teach your son that he is competent and that you don’t go to you mom when you have a problem with someone. You go to the person who you have a problem with. It’s his lesson to learn and it has a lot of layers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You extended an invitation; invitations are not summons. She declined the invitation. You can get DS excited about looking forward to another visit in the late spring/early summer--ask her to start planning something with you now so you can share that with him.

The first thing you wrote about your mom is that she is very close to your son. Pause and be grateful for that.

I love this. “Invitations are not a summons”. Gonna use it.

OP: It’s not your problem. It’s you sons. Tell him to call his grandma and address it with her. For God’s sake Mom, teach your son that he is competent and that you don’t go to you mom when you have a problem with someone. You go to the person who you have a problem with. It’s his lesson to learn and it has a lot of layers.

Better yet, teach your son that no means no and sometimes people don't want to do things we want to do. People get to make their own decisions and we respect that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with you and think your MIL is crappy for blowing your kid’s graduation off. While she’s obviously not obligated to be there, it’d be nice if she wanted to be there. For everyone saying that graduations are boring and your kid won’t have much time to spend with him, I wonder what they’d say if you came here asking if your son should attend a function for your MIL that would be boring and not give her much of a chance to interact with him.

I also understand your impulse to be hurt in your son’s behalf. What would bother me is that you know she’d be there if she wanted to be. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you and think your MIL is crappy for blowing your kid’s graduation off. While she’s obviously not obligated to be there, it’d be nice if she wanted to be there. For everyone saying that graduations are boring and your kid won’t have much time to spend with him, I wonder what they’d say if you came here asking if your son should attend a function for your MIL that would be boring and not give her much of a chance to interact with him.

I also understand your impulse to be hurt in your son’s behalf. What would bother me is that you know she’d be there if she wanted to be. I’m sorry.

A 70something not wanting to deal with air travel and sitting on a bleacher or folding chair for three hours does not equal "blowing off" anything. She will likely send a card and/or a gift, and probably will call as well. (Even OP admits she's a grandma who has a good relationship with her grandson.) They can have a special visit later. My goodness, you people are really quite myopic and selfish if you think a good grandma is "blowing off" her grandson just because she doesn't want to fly to sit through a cattle call style event.