Grandma not going to DS Graduation

[Anonymous]

Maybe back in the day when you could accomplish more financially with just a high school degree, high school graduations were more of a big deal for a family. But these days, there really is an expectation that to make it in this economy, you need to get an advanced degree. A high school degree is a stepping stone for the immediate family to acknowledge, but not so much an accomplishment worthy of flying in elderly relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another one that feels high school graduations are not obligatory for anyone except the immediate family of the graduate. And really, OP, have your son reflect on how happy he's going to feel to have Grandma there while knowing/wondering in the back of his head if there was something she's not saying, some reason she didn't want to come, and she's there because she feels emotionally blackmailed. He really wants her there under those circumstances? Because he'll always wonder.

My grandfather was on hospice and declining quickly just before my graduation from college. My mother was at his side with her siblings waiting for the end. She was torn on what to do. I told her that it was 100% fine with me if she did not come to my graduation, that I would never hold it against her, and that my dad and brother being there was enough and I totally understood if she skipped it. She came anyway, flying in the morning of commencement with plans to fly back to him the next morning. She watched me walk and then during our celebratory dinner she received a call that he had died. It's been 15 years and I still feel terrible that she wasn't there for her father's final moments because she was at my event, even though it was her choice. I really, really hope that nothing I said or did influenced her decision one way or another. But we can't go back in time. Graduation just isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t continue to feel terrible about this. Your mom was there when it mattered, and your grandfather knew that. It’s quite possible that the timing of death with fewer people around was not coincidental. That’s the way it worked with the couple of deaths I’ve been close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another one that feels high school graduations are not obligatory for anyone except the immediate family of the graduate. And really, OP, have your son reflect on how happy he's going to feel to have Grandma there while knowing/wondering in the back of his head if there was something she's not saying, some reason she didn't want to come, and she's there because she feels emotionally blackmailed. He really wants her there under those circumstances? Because he'll always wonder.

My grandfather was on hospice and declining quickly just before my graduation from college. My mother was at his side with her siblings waiting for the end. She was torn on what to do. I told her that it was 100% fine with me if she did not come to my graduation, that I would never hold it against her, and that my dad and brother being there was enough and I totally understood if she skipped it. She came anyway, flying in the morning of commencement with plans to fly back to him the next morning. She watched me walk and then during our celebratory dinner she received a call that he had died. It's been 15 years and I still feel terrible that she wasn't there for her father's final moments because she was at my event, even though it was her choice. I really, really hope that nothing I said or did influenced her decision one way or another. But we can't go back in time. Graduation just isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t continue to feel terrible about this. Your mom was there when it mattered, and your grandfather knew that. It’s quite possible that the timing of death with fewer people around was not coincidental. That’s the way it worked with the couple of deaths I’ve been close to.

My sister died when she was 12. My mom told me that she was there pretty much around the clock at the hospital at the end but she died when my mom went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. She died alone and my mom always believed that it was purposeful, to spare her (mom). I have no idea if that's true, but the thought gave my mother comfort and who knows, maybe it was true.

[Anonymous]

As a former hospice and chronic care nurse, I’m going to tell the last few posters that palliative people often “choose” to die when their family members are not in the room. I can’t explain it, and I trust that many people who have experience in these areas will corroborate that there really seems to be a conscious part for these clients taking their last breaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former hospice and chronic care nurse, I’m going to tell the last few posters that palliative people often “choose” to die when their family members are not in the room. I can’t explain it, and I trust that many people who have experience in these areas will corroborate that there really seems to be a conscious part for these clients taking their last breaths.

+1, hands down. When I worked in palliative care this was the standard. Watched pot and all that. Sometimes you have to get family out of the room to hasten the act, and let them know that they are prolonging it when they stay.

[Anonymous]

My Mom is terminally ill (but hoping for a year or more with treatment). We will Facetime for a minute or two than swing by (45 min away) with graduate in cap & gown before late lunch. Grateful she is able to participate via Facetime.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her - calmly - what her real reasons are? Depending on her personality, any one of her nebulous reasons could mask a very deep feeling. My mom is VERY emotional and cries at all milestones. She is still mortified, thinks it sent the wrong impression, and feels she ruined my brother’s wedding by crying so much. Maybe being emotional is embarassing to her and she needs reassurance. Maybe she does feel that having to tote her all around will ruin the experience for you when you should be able to be 100% focused on your son. Maybe she is afraid to travel alone. Follow up with a deeper communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former hospice and chronic care nurse, I’m going to tell the last few posters that palliative people often “choose” to die when their family members are not in the room. I can’t explain it, and I trust that many people who have experience in these areas will corroborate that there really seems to be a conscious part for these clients taking their last breaths.

+1, hands down. When I worked in palliative care this was the standard. Watched pot and all that. Sometimes you have to get family out of the room to hasten the act, and let them know that they are prolonging it when they stay.

+2. My my passed in hospice when everyone had left but her in home caregiver.

[Anonymous]

When I see a graduate who has an entourage I think it is tacky. It seems obnoxious to me. I think it is an accomplishment that should be celebrated in a more intimate, humble setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I see a graduate who has an entourage I think it is tacky. It seems obnoxious to me. I think it is an accomplishment that should be celebrated in a more intimate, humble setting.

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I see a graduate who has an entourage I think it is tacky. It seems obnoxious to me. I think it is an accomplishment that should be celebrated in a more intimate, humble setting.

Mom, Dad, and Grandma does not an entourage make.

[Anonymous]

Graduations, even all of my own, are/were long boring ceremonies. Any reason to get out of going is a good one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe back in the day when you could accomplish more financially with just a high school degree, high school graduations were more of a big deal for a family. But these days, there really is an expectation that to make it in this economy, you need to get an advanced degree. A high school degree is a stepping stone for the immediate family to acknowledge, but not so much an accomplishment worthy of flying in elderly relatives.

In my own family, my mother was the first in her immediate family to graduate from high school and my father was in the first generation to graduate (he had older siblings who graduated before him). All of my grandparents had only an 8th grade education, so it was/is a milestone to them.