Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

This, only it's worse than death as the child is alive and choosing to put parents through this pain. A lot of them are going to have regrets. They are also setting examples for their own children that will come back to bite them. Forgive. Move on. We are all deeply flawed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

I’d argue that people are finally starting to demand to be treated better. Being a MIL doesn’t give you a license to say horrible comments. In previous generations women were expected to just take it. Sorry but no one is treating me badly. People make mistakes, but continue to insult me and cause trouble and yes, you will be cut off.

Or maybe someone is the type of person who needs so much validation that they read slights into everything. That is what I see. I know someone who went to a craft store with her DIL. Mil carried the baby, and saw a friend. The friend said to the MIL, who knew there was a new grandchild, " Is that the new baby?" Mil said " Yes! It's our new addition!"
DIL made her apologize later that night , with the husband/son in tow to watch, for the word "our." " It's not YOUR baby!" She was angry, and crying, that Mom used the word "our." SIL, husband's sister suggested that DIL might be overtired. The entire family has been cut off . It's been years. No contact. There are more stories like this. Don't ever assume there is always the "right" one and inlaws or parents are always monsters.

I'd bet a million dollars that the MIL had been acting like its equally/partially her baby up to that point, and it was that behavior and not the particular words that day that caused the estrangement. Like the MIL complaining that she doesn't get to see "our new baby" enough, for example. The fact is that it's not her baby at ALL unless the parents of the baby want that to be the case.

+1. This is just one example of the MIL overstepping boundaries to steal the spotlight. How many others are there? It makes no sense that the entire family was cut off for one not-huge issue. This story that they don't understand why they're cut off but they're blaming the DIL is the hallmark of a dysfunctional family. They just don't want to admit why.

Postpartum is a very emotional time and it's for the parents, especially the mother, to bond with the baby. Everyone else is supposed to support the couple by doing errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. The baby is the mother's turf. The MIL should have been more careful not to overstep. It's also unbelievable that there wasn't more to the story.

+2 And the SIL's comment about being 'overtired'? Yeah, why not just tell her to 'calm down'? That's always good at descalating things. I have to wonder, though, where is the DH in all this? Are his fingers broken and he can't call/text?

This story to me seems to reflect a lack of respect and sanity in both sides. Perhaps MIL and DIL are both drama queens- people always marry someone who reminds them of a parent.

[Anonymous]

There's a PP on this site that recommends "cut them off" for any family conflict. Whoever it is needs mental help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

This, only it's worse than death as the child is alive and choosing to put parents through this pain. A lot of them are going to have regrets. They are also setting examples for their own children that will come back to bite them. Forgive. Move on. We are all deeply flawed.

The only reason I am not estranged from my mother is that I can't bear to cause her pain. So I live in a semi persistent state of anxiety about when her next emotional explosion will be or what she will do to me next. And I am hyper vigilant when she is around her grandchildren to ensure she doesn't abuse them emotionally the way she did her own children.

So that is the cost of NOT choosing estrangement. Mental trauma and a resentment that will just continue to grow until we are finally parted by death. But she'll never know that so I guess I'm making the right choice in your mind?

[Anonymous]

I am not totally estranged from my mom, but I mostly ignore her and only see her when I see other family.

If she dies tomorrow, I know for 100 that I will have no regrets.

I have sadness - for myself. Every time I see a normal, loving mom-daughter relationship. Every time I see one of those Facebook posts from a friend who really loved and misses her dead mother. Because I know that I won't miss her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

This, only it's worse than death as the child is alive and choosing to put parents through this pain. A lot of them are going to have regrets. They are also setting examples for their own children that will come back to bite them. Forgive. Move on. We are all deeply flawed.

+1 yes, this. The woman in this article definitely has a lot of problems (and not defending her article). But the estranged children in that Reddit group were every bit as narcissistic and sick as she was, perhaps actually more. They seemed to take delight in causing pain to their parents or in the prospect that other peoples' parents would suffer. They were wallowing in the license to eternal victimhood you get from being a child and didn't have a mature adult perspective on human flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been sort of on both sides of this story.

My MIL seems like the nice supportive type, but she's got this nasty undercurrent that has resulted in both of her kids becoming mostly estranged from her. I'm sure she could write an article just like this.

OTOH, I have a friend whose son cut her off...there may have been some minor offenses on her part, but I think the biggest issue is that his in-laws belong to an extreme, pretty insular church, and just wanted to make sure he was sort of locked into their world. It's really sad and has basically broken her heart to lose him that way. She really was a great mom and they were very close until the wedding. But I'm sure that the DIL in that case would also seem like a nice, loving wife, and could write a Reddit thread much like the author's DIL did.

Anyway, I think it's really hard to know, unless you know.

I know a couple like this too! The real horrible part was her cult-family cut her off when she married him, refused to come to the wedding, and his family welcomed her with open arms. Then she reconciled with the cult, not entirely, but enough. And sure enough pretty soon HIS loving family was the problem and the spine less son let his wife dump all over his parents who had been so so welcoming to her. It was a train wreck to watch. There's a tense peace currently.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I know one woman who just can NOT understand why her DILs don't just love her to pieces. It's because her two sons grew up walking on eggshells around her because she's INSANE and a total narcissist. Once they married, their wives got wise to this pretty fast. I remember a mutual friend saying "Oh I just don't understand why Nancy's son won't let her stay in their apartment when they have the new baby" and I had to bite my tongue from sharing my opinion. Nancy is a nightmare MIL, who is for sure telling all her friends that she's a "normal" mom while also doing what she can to drive her sons crazy and her DILs very very very far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

I’d argue that people are finally starting to demand to be treated better. Being a MIL doesn’t give you a license to say horrible comments. In previous generations women were expected to just take it. Sorry but no one is treating me badly. People make mistakes, but continue to insult me and cause trouble and yes, you will be cut off.

Or maybe someone is the type of person who needs so much validation that they read slights into everything. That is what I see. I know someone who went to a craft store with her DIL. Mil carried the baby, and saw a friend. The friend said to the MIL, who knew there was a new grandchild, " Is that the new baby?" Mil said " Yes! It's our new addition!"
DIL made her apologize later that night , with the husband/son in tow to watch, for the word "our." " It's not YOUR baby!" She was angry, and crying, that Mom used the word "our." SIL, husband's sister suggested that DIL might be overtired. The entire family has been cut off . It's been years. No contact. There are more stories like this. Don't ever assume there is always the "right" one and inlaws or parents are always monsters.

I'd bet a million dollars that the MIL had been acting like its equally/partially her baby up to that point, and it was that behavior and not the particular words that day that caused the estrangement. Like the MIL complaining that she doesn't get to see "our new baby" enough, for example. The fact is that it's not her baby at ALL unless the parents of the baby want that to be the case.

+1. This is just one example of the MIL overstepping boundaries to steal the spotlight. How many others are there? It makes no sense that the entire family was cut off for one not-huge issue. This story that they don't understand why they're cut off but they're blaming the DIL is the hallmark of a dysfunctional family. They just don't want to admit why.

Postpartum is a very emotional time and it's for the parents, especially the mother, to bond with the baby. Everyone else is supposed to support the couple by doing errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. The baby is the mother's turf. The MIL should have been more careful not to overstep. It's also unbelievable that there wasn't more to the story.

+2 And the SIL's comment about being 'overtired'? Yeah, why not just tell her to 'calm down'? That's always good at descalating things. I have to wonder, though, where is the DH in all this? Are his fingers broken and he can't call/text?

This story to me seems to reflect a lack of respect and sanity in both sides. Perhaps MIL and DIL are both drama queens- people always marry someone who reminds them of a parent.

How on earth is the MIL at fault in this last story? And yeah, the SIL was seeing something that was off, even possibly post partum depression- that was my first thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

I’d argue that people are finally starting to demand to be treated better. Being a MIL doesn’t give you a license to say horrible comments. In previous generations women were expected to just take it. Sorry but no one is treating me badly. People make mistakes, but continue to insult me and cause trouble and yes, you will be cut off.

Or maybe someone is the type of person who needs so much validation that they read slights into everything. That is what I see. I know someone who went to a craft store with her DIL. Mil carried the baby, and saw a friend. The friend said to the MIL, who knew there was a new grandchild, " Is that the new baby?" Mil said " Yes! It's our new addition!"
DIL made her apologize later that night , with the husband/son in tow to watch, for the word "our." " It's not YOUR baby!" She was angry, and crying, that Mom used the word "our." SIL, husband's sister suggested that DIL might be overtired. The entire family has been cut off . It's been years. No contact. There are more stories like this. Don't ever assume there is always the "right" one and inlaws or parents are always monsters.

I'd bet a million dollars that the MIL had been acting like its equally/partially her baby up to that point, and it was that behavior and not the particular words that day that caused the estrangement. Like the MIL complaining that she doesn't get to see "our new baby" enough, for example. The fact is that it's not her baby at ALL unless the parents of the baby want that to be the case.

+1. This is just one example of the MIL overstepping boundaries to steal the spotlight. How many others are there? It makes no sense that the entire family was cut off for one not-huge issue. This story that they don't understand why they're cut off but they're blaming the DIL is the hallmark of a dysfunctional family. They just don't want to admit why.

Postpartum is a very emotional time and it's for the parents, especially the mother, to bond with the baby. Everyone else is supposed to support the couple by doing errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. The baby is the mother's turf. The MIL should have been more careful not to overstep. It's also unbelievable that there wasn't more to the story.

+2 And the SIL's comment about being 'overtired'? Yeah, why not just tell her to 'calm down'? That's always good at descalating things. I have to wonder, though, where is the DH in all this? Are his fingers broken and he can't call/text?

This story to me seems to reflect a lack of respect and sanity in both sides. Perhaps MIL and DIL are both drama queens- people always marry someone who reminds them of a parent.

Ok, no. Mom wasn't doing or saying anything that was leading up. The screaming fight came entirely out of the semantics of the answer in the craft store- which had no agenda. But, do you see how quick PP here is talking about the spotlight? There it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a PP on this site that recommends "cut them off" for any family conflict. Whoever it is needs mental help.

Epidemic, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a PP on this site that recommends "cut them off" for any family conflict. Whoever it is needs mental help.

Epidemic, in my opinion.

As someone who absolutely SHOULD cut off their family but can't due to a lifelong guilt training exercise I really cannot express how much I loathe people like you both.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say what happened here but I can easily see how estrangement happens. My DH is not estranged from his parents but keeps very limited contact only - phone calls on holidays, weekend visit every 2yrs or so (and we stay in a hotel), and they have access to his FB (he doesn’t post a lot but they do get occasional pics of the kids this way at least). In his case it is due to horribly out-of-line behavior that continued for many many years. He/we tried everything we could to smooth things over (is not possible) and set boundaries. We lived only 2hrs from them for many years and he tried to set boundaries but boundaries are no use when they refuse to respect them. It finally came to the point (he was nearly 40 and had been dealing with this his whole adult life) where it was either (1) full out estrangement or (2) move far enough away to FORCE boundaries. We moved. I think in a lot of these cases it is (1) way out of line behavior from parents followed by (2) either an adult child who has trouble setting boundaries, or a parent who refuses to accept them. JMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

The author doesn't say she thought it might not be right. In fact she claims to find the DIL adorable and approves of the relationship. She says it was just a normal question because her son was so young. So... your situation doesn't apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

This, only it's worse than death as the child is alive and choosing to put parents through this pain. A lot of them are going to have regrets. They are also setting examples for their own children that will come back to bite them. Forgive. Move on. We are all deeply flawed.

You see, “we are all deeply flawed” is not a get out of jail card. We are not talking about one isolated occasion back in the 2nd grade. It’s years of systematic emotional mistreatment and toxicity that continues to affect the lives of adult children and their families. Unless the perpetrator realizes they’ve done wrong and changes their behavior, there is no way forward.