Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read every response - but I haven't seen you mention whether this is something that really bothers your daughter? I have a teenage son who is a little bit different and he's never had tons of friends. He always seems to find his tribe, but it's small and they don't tend to do tons (so fewer birthday parties or get-togethers.) I used to worry he was bullied until every single one of his middle school teachers reported that he was very social and seemed quite popular in class. But he is happy doing his own thing most of the time.

Moral of the story is that you never know how your kid is perceived by others and if it's not broke (e.g., if she's not actively unhappy) don't try to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have pets or possibly cook things that have a lingering odor? Your daughter might stink or have some other body/hygiene thing that you don't notice.

My BFF in elementary school was the "stinky" kid, but she was so sweet that we just sucked it up. Her family had 2 huge dogs that they kept inside. So EVERYTHING smelled like dog. There was nothing wrong with her but it meant that those of us who hung around her would occasionally get teased, too.

If this could POSSIBLY be the case, have a housekeeper do a deep clean and try switching out your soaps, toothpaste and laundry detergent.

Am I the only one who did a double take after reading this? Guess what, some of us don't have 'housekeepers' and had to clean our houses ourselves. But, yeah, we're the poors, but we don't smell, even like dog.

[Anonymous]

"Please tell me why it's not normal to let others know about music accomplishments."


It's not abnormal. But, it's "braggy" to make a CD and give it to others. I'm sure the intent is good, but it's about a middle schoolers' maturity level to understand the value of such a gesture. And, it comes across as self-centered. It assumes that the person wants to hear them play. It's focused on the giver, not the receiver.


Now, doing this for older relatives - aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. - is a grand idea. Again, you have to think about what the receiver wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.

excelling in music and having proof of accomplishments is terrible?

You are missing the point! If you have a socially awkward kid, having them put together a cd of their achievements is going to isolate them even more as it is not a normal thing for a kid to do. So this is not helping.

Please tell me why it's not normal to let others know about music accomplishments.

Giving out a cd of yourself playing music is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have pets or possibly cook things that have a lingering odor? Your daughter might stink or have some other body/hygiene thing that you don't notice.

My BFF in elementary school was the "stinky" kid, but she was so sweet that we just sucked it up. Her family had 2 huge dogs that they kept inside. So EVERYTHING smelled like dog. There was nothing wrong with her but it meant that those of us who hung around her would occasionally get teased, too.

If this could POSSIBLY be the case, have a housekeeper do a deep clean and try switching out your soaps, toothpaste and laundry detergent.

Am I the only one who did a double take after reading this? Guess what, some of us don't have 'housekeepers' and had to clean our houses ourselves. But, yeah, we're the poors, but we don't smell, even like dog.

I'm not this person who posted this, but it's possible she meant "hire a professional service" since it may take more than typically necessary. She didn't say have YOUR housekeeper do it. Geez. You're definitely on the lookout for the worst!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read every response - but I haven't seen you mention whether this is something that really bothers your daughter? I have a teenage son who is a little bit different and he's never had tons of friends. He always seems to find his tribe, but it's small and they don't tend to do tons (so fewer birthday parties or get-togethers.) I used to worry he was bullied until every single one of his middle school teachers reported that he was very social and seemed quite popular in class. But he is happy doing his own thing most of the time.

Moral of the story is that you never know how your kid is perceived by others and if it's not broke (e.g., if she's not actively unhappy) don't try to fix it.

Thank you for this response. For most of the years she did not seem bothered by the isolation. However as she ages, she has started noticing the constant rejection. She is depressed at times and cries frequently. What is most distressing is she gets so tired of trying, that she basically gives up and just 'exists' during the day.

She is not autistic or asbergers - this we know for certain. Also, she does not smell.

If she just sits there, the kids ignore her. If she tries to join in, they act disgusted or they ignore her. It's a no-win situation.

I'm fully aware (as some of the PPs have suggested) that this is all my fault. I 100% take blame for this situation.

The question is, how do I help this girl? I sincerely appreciate much of the constructive advice on this thread and plan to act on said advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be her friend and do things with her. Set up trips, go out to eat, work out together, go to movies. All girls really need is one true friend of their own. That's what she should focus on. Not trying to engage groups but find somebody like her and if that person is trustworthy then she is set. Most girls have not even one friend that they can trust with being vulnerable with.

Yes my favorite person at 13/24 was my Mom. Enjoy this time with her. Build up her confidence. She will find her people. I found mine in 9th grade/11th grade. Still my best friends 30+ years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be her friend and do things with her. Set up trips, go out to eat, work out together, go to movies. All girls really need is one true friend of their own. That's what she should focus on. Not trying to engage groups but find somebody like her and if that person is trustworthy then she is set. Most girls have not even one friend that they can trust with being vulnerable with.

Yes my favorite person at 13/24 was my Mom. Enjoy this time with her. Build up her confidence. She will find her people. I found mine in 9th grade/11th grade. Still my best friends 30+ years later.

That’s 13/14 not 24 lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How involved is mom (OP)? My mom was hovering and overbearing and it definitely impacted my friendships.

X10000

My first thought.

[Anonymous]

This is NOT your fault, OP. There are so many factors, so many of which are out of your control. You are a good mom, and you have indicated that by caring and asking for advice. You've gotten some good advice here, but obviously be sure you get advice from those you value as well - perhaps your mom, other mom friends you trust, and perhaps professionals. You could have a meeting with the school counselor, without your daughter knowing.

One thing that might be hard is that your daughter is now at the age where plans are made independently of parents. It seems she may still need your help, but try to do so in a way that presents her independently.

I agree about activities, so much. It doesn't matter which you do, but activities make the bigger world smaller. For me, it was music (band), for others it might be a sport. I agree that trying sports for the first time with low confidence is not a good idea, due to the inherent "win-lose" context. So, non-competitive things might be better.

Also - look for new kids. This works better at the start of school. If your school has a "welcome committee" sort of thing for new families, have her sign up for it. Or, it may be that they have a "new student" orientation - have her sign up to help. Anything where she can meet NEW people. It's possible that through bad luck, she just doesn't connect with the people she's been around for years. Just one new child moving to the neighborhood could make all the difference, to both her and them!

[Anonymous]

OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry. You sound very close to her, so she has a great home life. That’s important. A few thoughts.

1) I think she needs a new school and a fresh start. Is she in public school? A big public school where she can try out different activities and groups would be good.

2) Since you have friends, I would ask them to honestly tell you’ve what’s off putting about your daughter and seek their advice about what to work on. Don’t make them feel guilty about their own daughter’s reactions. Make it safe for them to talk.

3) Concordia language camps are an option where new kids do fine. There aren’t huge cliques of repeat campers. She needs a way to find success in making friends.

4) help her find a babysitting or mother’s helper job. Playing with younger kids will develop socials skills and also give her social bonding opportunities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

[Anonymous]

OP, Do you have other children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read every response - but I haven't seen you mention whether this is something that really bothers your daughter? I have a teenage son who is a little bit different and he's never had tons of friends. He always seems to find his tribe, but it's small and they don't tend to do tons (so fewer birthday parties or get-togethers.) I used to worry he was bullied until every single one of his middle school teachers reported that he was very social and seemed quite popular in class. But he is happy doing his own thing most of the time.

Moral of the story is that you never know how your kid is perceived by others and if it's not broke (e.g., if she's not actively unhappy) don't try to fix it.

Thank you for this response. For most of the years she did not seem bothered by the isolation. However as she ages, she has started noticing the constant rejection. She is depressed at times and cries frequently. What is most distressing is she gets so tired of trying, that she basically gives up and just 'exists' during the day.

She is not autistic or asbergers - this we know for certain. Also, she does not smell.

If she just sits there, the kids ignore her. If she tries to join in, they act disgusted or they ignore her. It's a no-win situation.

I'm fully aware (as some of the PPs have suggested) that this is all my fault. I 100% take blame for this situation.

The question is, how do I help this girl? I sincerely appreciate much of the constructive advice on this thread and plan to act on said advice.

It is not your fault at all. Lots of kids find themselves in this situation. Maybe she needs a do-over. Can you switch schools?