Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Do you have other children?

I have a step daughter who is in college. I do not have any other biological children.

[Anonymous]

Volunteer at school and hang in the background, and discreetly observe.

Also ask the teacher for a conference and ask her ahead of time to observe the social dynamics in class so she can tell you what she observes.

What I’ve noticed is that sometimes kids get labeled unlikable and it can stick in a smaller school. I thinks it’s sort of like bullying but subtle.

Does your dd do unsocial things like read a book instead of chatting during school or at lunch? Or does she unknowingly say rude or hurtful things? Or is she the type that complains and doesn’t go along with others?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone suggested the school counselor yet? I would think if you told the counselor (or a favorite teacher?) that kid was struggling with friendships and always had, and you are unable to figure out why and how to help, and could they please observe her and then tell you if they have any observations/suggestions that they’d be able to help.

[Anonymous]

One more thing, we used to live in an isolated neighborhood with no kids. Once we moved to a larger neighborhood with kids and a neighborhood pool, etc, it made a big difference with dd’s friends.

Also, when dd attended preschool, we lived far away from the school, and I now people weren’t as interested in play dates with us and it was I think because of the distance from the school.

Good luck. As a pp said, be her friend for now.

[Anonymous]

6th/7th grade is a tough time. Honestly - I would work on activities and forming relationships outside of schools. Sports teams probably not the best idea for a clumsy kid, but more individual sports could be great. I’d particularly look at golf, honestly. Women’s golf is a huge growth area.

Other ideas - church groups, community theater, music or voice lessons, arts and crafts classes/lessons. I think kids at that age can really smell the “desperation” on other kids. If she gets even a few friends outside of school, she’ll seem more relaxed about social situations at school, and paradoxically might start to make more friends at school too.

There’s also a bit of a social re-alignment around the time high school starts, where kids start hanging out with different kids. So that’s something to keep in mind too. Tell her to hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Op, honestly, a kid would better be able to answer this than us. Hell, even another adult who sees your DD could answer this better than us. We can't see her in action.

She needs to make peace, get comfortable with herself, and let other kids come to her because they get interested in what SHE is doing. I was the kid who sat reading a book at recess by myself. It turned out I was an introvert but didn't know, and needed that time to recharge to deal with people through the afternoon. But when another kid had a broken foot or an asthma attack or got in a fight with their friends or had read the book I was reading, they'd come talk to me. And I made friends that way. The difference between me and your daughter is that I wasn't desperate for friends. I got enough socialization from my brother, school and after-school activities - I didn't really want many playdates.

Tell her to do her own thing. Then she'll chill out and won't come across as needy.

[Anonymous]

Talk with her teachers. They may have an idea.

[Anonymous]

Teacher here. Her teachers will have been aware and have a good idea of what the problem is, and they will have been doing their best to help/mitigate. They’ll also be very reluctant to be blunt/honest with you about it for fear of offending you or coming across as insulting your kid.

If you’re loikingbto pinpoint specific problematic behaviors, maybe set a meeting with a teacher that knows her well. Assure the teacher that you need honesty and that you’re looking for things you can work on with your daughter and that you know the teachers have the best opportunities for social observation. If the teacher can think of specific examples, that’s great— if you explain ahead of time, she’ll have a few days to observe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer at school and hang in the background, and discreetly observe.

Also ask the teacher for a conference and ask her ahead of time to observe the social dynamics in class so she can tell you what she observes.

What I’ve noticed is that sometimes kids get labeled unlikable and it can stick in a smaller school. I thinks it’s sort of like bullying but subtle.

Does your dd do unsocial things like read a book instead of chatting during school or at lunch? Or does she unknowingly say rude or hurtful things? Or is she the type that complains and doesn’t go along with others?

Do NOT do the bolded in middle school. Please.

The teens notice their classmates who always have their parents at school, and openly feel sorry for them. If your kid is awkward or having trouble with friends, don't be that mom.

Show up for the parent events (concerts, etc). Do not volunteer at school.

[Anonymous]

Kate Middleton was bullied st 13. Changed schools look st her now.

[Anonymous]

The nerdiest kids when I was growing up have all grown up to be amazing, interesting adults. My question is why are you putting so much emphasis on her having friends? Can you not teach her that she is complete as she is? Wasn't it Ben Franklin (or somebody, can't really remember) who said he struggled between doing great things and having friends? Spend time with her yourself and teach her how to be happy when she is by herself and you will do her many more favors than teaching her to ingratiate herself with kids that will not matter one way or another in her life in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Her teachers will have been aware and have a good idea of what the problem is, and they will have been doing their best to help/mitigate. They’ll also be very reluctant to be blunt/honest with you about it for fear of offending you or coming across as insulting your kid.

If you’re loikingbto pinpoint specific problematic behaviors, maybe set a meeting with a teacher that knows her well. Assure the teacher that you need honesty and that you’re looking for things you can work on with your daughter and that you know the teachers have the best opportunities for social observation. If the teacher can think of specific examples, that’s great— if you explain ahead of time, she’ll have a few days to observe.

It depends on the teachers, some help, some ignore. Ours ignore.

[Anonymous]

The poster suggesting a musical CD given out to others is either a troll or severely mentally impaired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer at school and hang in the background, and discreetly observe.

Also ask the teacher for a conference and ask her ahead of time to observe the social dynamics in class so she can tell you what she observes.

What I’ve noticed is that sometimes kids get labeled unlikable and it can stick in a smaller school. I thinks it’s sort of like bullying but subtle.

Does your dd do unsocial things like read a book instead of chatting during school or at lunch? Or does she unknowingly say rude or hurtful things? Or is she the type that complains and doesn’t go along with others?

Do NOT do the bolded in middle school. Please.

The teens notice their classmates who always have their parents at school, and openly feel sorry for them. If your kid is awkward or having trouble with friends, don't be that mom.

Show up for the parent events (concerts, etc). Do not volunteer at school.

NP here - I have consistently volunteered at my son's high school now for 3 years. It is the most loving thing you can do for a child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a girl in my 4th grader's girl scout troop who seems to repel the other girls. I'm trying to think of ways she repels others, and I am having a hard time coming up with exactly the problem. Here are a few examples --
- She's overly enthusiastic, and borderline inappropriate at times. "Invite me over to your house for a play date!! I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU AT YOUR HOUSE!!!"
- And then at other times, when all of the girls are working on something, she's off somewhere else, not helping and not participating, and making a mess.
- When they are having a snack, she will comment several times about what the snack is, and how she 1) doesn't like it or 2) needs seconds. It's the repeated commenting that bothers the group, I think
- Come to think of it, she does the above with whatever activity they're doing - she'll either complain over and over, or ask for more over and over.

#2 and 3 sound like things that bother the adults, not the other girls. The most popular girls are always complaining about stuff that other parents provide.