Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Middle school is tough but not making friends since age 3 is unusual. How large is her school? For kids who are different, bigger schools are so much better.

My ds is in 8th grade and his closest friends are girls. He still has some friends who are boys but they are from elementary school and we moved away from there. At 12 encourage her to do activities and branch out looking for friends among kids of other races and genders.

My ds changed schools in middle school and the most welcoming club was the GLBT & Friends club.

I would also think that it would be REALLY good for you to consider a sleep away camp centered around an activity that she likes. Whether that is music, or tennis, or robotics or horseback riding, it doesn't matter. I think sleep away camp would be good for her.

[Anonymous]

It seems like posters haven't read that OP said this has been her daughter's issue since she was 3, it's not new.

There was a girl in high school who hung out with us at lunch because she didn't have any friends. She looked like she may have had some special needs or some sort of genetic disorder which did not affect her ability to learn. She had a strange loping walk, and very off facial features. We were already the private school "rejects" so didn't mind her hanging around, but she didn't seem to realize she was at the social rejection table and tried to act as though she was a queen bee. The combination was social suicide. Just an example. We felt sorry for her.

If no one is making fun of your daughters appearance, it much be some sort of social signal she is sending, perhaps she is high functioning / Aspergers?

I would stop encouraging her to make friends, and go for any quirky interests she might have, as others have suggested.

And branch out and try to find other groups, like a religious youth group or some sort of interest club to try as well.

By any chance does she go to private school?
I know from experience that once you are branded a certain way in private school, things usually don't turn around. (I was shy, anxious, and my family was private school "poor" so I hung around with all the other "poor" rejects.) My HS friends and I all agree we would have been happier in public school, with a greater variety of people and interests.
Think about changing schools for high school, if that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

1) I have never had trouble making friends. That is what is so hard about this. At her age I had dozens of friends, and several good friends.

2) I think she is eager. She is also a bit clumsy. But how do we FIX that?

Tell her she needs to calm down and back off.

Let people come to her. Most people are attracted to self confidence and poise in others.

Over eager is a turn off for many people.

[Anonymous]

I also wonder how big her school is. My DD is only in 4th grade, but had trouble making friends in early grades. She would make 1 or 2 friends each year, but not be able to carry those friendships over to the next year and spend the first half of the next grade making 1 or 2 friends in that class. She is a little quirky and does not respond normally to other kids’ invitations to play (not like explicit invitations, but social cues of greeting, etc). She can be overbearing at times and just doesn’t play like most girls. But she was always able to find a few kids who she liked and who liked her - in classes of 23-28 kids and with around 100 students in her grade. I think at small private schools it can be that there’s not a good match for a quirky kid in their grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have pets or possibly cook things that have a lingering odor? Your daughter might stink or have some other body/hygiene thing that you don't notice.

My BFF in elementary school was the "stinky" kid, but she was so sweet that we just sucked it up. Her family had 2 huge dogs that they kept inside. So EVERYTHING smelled like dog. There was nothing wrong with her but it meant that those of us who hung around her would occasionally get teased, too.

If this could POSSIBLY be the case, have a housekeeper do a deep clean and try switching out your soaps, toothpaste and laundry detergent.

[Anonymous]

How involved is mom (OP)? My mom was hovering and overbearing and it definitely impacted my friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.[/quoteexcelling in music and having proof of accomplishments is terrible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you for the responses and advice. I'm signing her up for some classes that I think she will enjoy.

Please know that I am not looking for her to be popular or with a 'certain' group of kids. I just want her to find ANYONE to talk to.

Please talk to her before signing her up for a bunch of classes. She may only want to do one particular one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you for the responses and advice. I'm signing her up for some classes that I think she will enjoy.

Please know that I am not looking for her to be popular or with a 'certain' group of kids. I just want her to find ANYONE to talk to.

Please talk to her before signing her up for a bunch of classes. She may only want to do one particular one.

Please stop trolling this thread. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I was going to suggest exploring sleepaway camp, which i see that someone else has done. If she hasn't been before, this may sound extreme, but just explore it. She may need to break free of parents AND the girls she's been around since she has been 3, if you've always lived in the same place. Also, with a good camp, counselors are on the lookout for people having problems and do a lot to integrate everyone. If she has a particular interest, then a camp focused on that might be good, but if not, just a general outdoorsy camp might be a good option. Just one or two weeks, not the whole summer. The benefit is that everyone joins new at the same time, and efforts are made to bond the group. Again, not every camp may do this as well as others. Make sure it's NOT one where everyone has been going every year since they were eight. Make sure that at least half the bunk is new the same year as her. Tell the directors about your concerns. You might be surprised what happens. It can do a lot to help someone make friends and build confidence for doing so in other environments.

Just a though. Obviously only you know your kid well enough to know if this is a possibility. But, you might want to throw it out there and see how she reacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.[/quoteexcelling in music and having proof of accomplishments is terrible?

You are missing the point! If you have a socially awkward kid, having them put together a cd of their achievements is going to isolate them even more as it is not a normal thing for a kid to do. So this is not helping.

[Anonymous]

She isn't you and not a popular kid. I'd focus on outside school and find an hobby to take classes in or somewhere where she can find herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.[/quoteexcelling in music and having proof of accomplishments is terrible?

You are missing the point! If you have a socially awkward kid, having them put together a cd of their achievements is going to isolate them even more as it is not a normal thing for a kid to do. So this is not helping.

Please tell me why it's not normal to let others know about music accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there’s any team sport that she’s even mildly interested in, that could be your solution.

The structure of practices means she’s spending time with the same girls. There will be occasional team social events and coaches are good about making sure nobody is excluded. Bonus, she learns a skill and is in better shape.

It can’t hurt!

Sports are probably the worst idea for an awkward, clumsy (mentioned by OP) kid, particular in middle school.

Why subject your kid to the mean kids when they are struggling already?

Look at music, arts, theater tech, recreational dance classes, tech activities, choir, etc. Fencing or martial arts might be an option. Steer clear of team sports.