Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a friend who frustrates her bc she’s always talking down about other girls and is kind of possessive in her friendships. I think she’s insecure but it is not fun being in a friendship with her and I don’t think it’s going to last.

+1

Overly bossy and controlling is a big turn off.

OP here - This is not our problem. In fact, I've thought that if she was a little more bossy she might have a friend.

Based on my observations, the bossy controlling girls seem to have ZERO trouble making friends. In fact, I see quite of few of them leading large circles of girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP we know a girl like this. She talks non stop about everything that interests her but she never actually stops and listens to others or asks questions of others. She is intense and interesting but its exhausting and alienating.

Could your DD have a particular quirk like this which needs looking at?

She is not like this. She is very good at holding a conversation and is curious, introspective and self aware.

I agree with you that there HAS TO BE some sort of quirk that is turning everyone off. The problem is, I don't know what it is. I can't figure it out.

I'm the PP who asked that about a quirk. If its not obvious then she may not have one. My DD is in 6th grade and is having a horrible time with her "friends" who make arrangements to meet her for lunch and then skip off to the other place to eat (its an indoor or outdoor scenario). They text on their phones and giggle (this is intensely boring as far as I can tell) and won't share the joke. They are just being assholes, generally. And not consistently. So one week they will be friendly with my DD and then drop her the next. I have told her to just have nothing more to do with them. They will self select in this manipulative way until they are down to 2 and then 1 and that will be the end of it. I don't know if your DD is facing this stuff but it seems completely normal. I hate it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you watched her interacting with other girls? What do you see, honestly? Is she shy? Is she maybe a little too eager (understandable)?

You say she's 12, and that's a time of transition. Are her peers at school into clothes/makeup, and maybe your daughter still has a little more of the child left in her (understandable)?

Honestly she is very eager with other girls, I guess because she is so desperate. I try to advise her to play it cool with them, but I don't want her to overthink things too much.

You are right that she definitely has more of the child left in her.

I never had trouble with friends. At her age I had multiple groups of friends with barely any effort.

This combo is your answer. I'm sure of it.

I'm a teacher, by the way, so I see a lot of teen interaction. My advice is to help your daughter find a hobby or interest she can pursue outside of school, something that really interests her, not something she will see only as another chance to desperately seek friends. She may naturally make some new friends this way because she won't be focused so much on the process, if you see what I mean.

Also, as cold as this sounds, if she is dressing in a way that is noticeably different from her peers (clothes they regard as babyish, or if she's in clothes that signal she doesn't care), this is going to make a difference at that age if the other girls are taking an interest in their appearance. You could help your daughter update her look, in a fun way.

[Anonymous]

I suggest a couple of things:

1. Talk to her school counselor about a “lunch bunch” for her.
2. Think about having her join a social skills group run by a psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

1) I have never had trouble making friends. That is what is so hard about this. At her age I had dozens of friends, and several good friends.

2) I think she is eager. She is also a bit clumsy. But how do we FIX that?

From what you have said she sounds young and maybe not understanding social cues. If it were my kid here's what I would do:

1) Encourage her friendships with girls a year or so younger than her. Neighborhood kids, girls from local activities, church groups etc. Having a friend of any age is better than no friends at all.
2) Look into social skills classes. I don't know where you are, but some child therapy practices have them for small groups of kids. http://socialskillsgroups.net/
3) Role play with her. Get the American Girl books on friendships and then act some of those scenes out.
4) Really support her extracurricular activities. Spending time with people who share the same interests is a great way to make friends and bolster confidence.
5) Hug and listen. Middle school sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this. My dd is 12 years old and is always left out with the other girls. It ALWAYS happens. Camps, schools... it has been consistently happening since she was in preschool at 3 years old.

I need help so badly as I don't understand it. She is very kind, caring, funny, bubbly and charming. She does have a learning disability, but an above average/high IQ.

I have thrown countless parties, playdates, get togethers. I've spent thousands of dollars treating other kids to nice things so that she could have exposure to other girls.

It doesn't matter. She never gets invitations.

It's getting to the point where she doesn't even really try anymore because honestly, what's the point? She is more and more depressed these days as it's really getting to her.

I've taken her to psychologists before and I have never received any substantive advice about this specifically.

No advice but sending good wishes for your daughter! My kids are really little so I’m not there yet.

I'm turning to DCUM as a 'Hail Mary'. I can't bear to see this impact anymore. I am looking for real help here. Please no trolls. Please.

[Anonymous]

There is a girl in my 4th grader's girl scout troop who seems to repel the other girls. I'm trying to think of ways she repels others, and I am having a hard time coming up with exactly the problem. Here are a few examples --
- She's overly enthusiastic, and borderline inappropriate at times. "Invite me over to your house for a play date!! I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU AT YOUR HOUSE!!!"
- And then at other times, when all of the girls are working on something, she's off somewhere else, not helping and not participating, and making a mess.
- When they are having a snack, she will comment several times about what the snack is, and how she 1) doesn't like it or 2) needs seconds. It's the repeated commenting that bothers the group, I think
- Come to think of it, she does the above with whatever activity they're doing - she'll either complain over and over, or ask for more over and over.

[Anonymous]

my daughter had (has) this problem. She had very high IQ scores, low processing speed. Great grades and school performance but never could seem to click with anyone. She turned out to have aspergers, though it was not diagnosed until she was 15.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what to say besides: you are not alone.

Hopefully it’s just a MS thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a friend who frustrates her bc she’s always talking down about other girls and is kind of possessive in her friendships. I think she’s insecure but it is not fun being in a friendship with her and I don’t think it’s going to last.

+1

Overly bossy and controlling is a big turn off.

OP here - This is not our problem. In fact, I've thought that if she was a little more bossy she might have a friend.

Based on my observations, the bossy controlling girls seem to have ZERO trouble making friends. In fact, I see quite of few of them leading large circles of girls.

PP here. I have seen both - I think it depends on the dynamic of that particular class.

[Anonymous]

Op, you've identified a couple of issues. She's over eager and comes off as desperate. To a lot of people, this is a major turn off. Work with her on controlling those behaviors (however they come out)

Do more 1:1 activities with other girls. Groups are way harder for people who are over eager.

Get her involved in programs/camps/activities specific to her interests. A lot easier to make friends when you share a common interest vs trying to be interested in what others are. It also allows to slowly make friends with supervision. She likes Amy in her art class? Well maybe one day after class you and your DD and Amy and her mom can grab an ice cream or something short and simple after class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you watched her interacting with other girls? What do you see, honestly? Is she shy? Is she maybe a little too eager (understandable)?

You say she's 12, and that's a time of transition. Are her peers at school into clothes/makeup, and maybe your daughter still has a little more of the child left in her (understandable)?

Honestly she is very eager with other girls, I guess because she is so desperate. I try to advise her to play it cool with them, but I don't want her to overthink things too much.

You are right that she definitely has more of the child left in her.

I never had trouble with friends. At her age I had multiple groups of friends with barely any effort.

This combo is your answer. I'm sure of it.

I'm a teacher, by the way, so I see a lot of teen interaction. My advice is to help your daughter find a hobby or interest she can pursue outside of school, something that really interests her, not something she will see only as another chance to desperately seek friends. She may naturally make some new friends this way because she won't be focused so much on the process, if you see what I mean.

Also, as cold as this sounds, if she is dressing in a way that is noticeably different from her peers (clothes they regard as babyish, or if she's in clothes that signal she doesn't care), this is going to make a difference at that age if the other girls are taking an interest in their appearance. You could help your daughter update her look, in a fun way.

But the mom said other girls have shimmer her since she was 3 years old.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP, you are me and my DD. And yes, things will absolutely get better.

Give her tangible goals like "Get good grades', "participate in the music competition" rather than intangible goals "be liked by your friends"

She is depressed because you are drawing attention to her being a failure in social interactions. She will feel happy when she starts achieving things on her own and will be able to feel proud of what she has achieved.

My kids are like that - nerdy, very brainy and somewhat of social misfits. My own social circle and family circle is big enough that they are included in things. They are taking their pleasure and joy from their achievements in scholastic activities and guess what? they have found their tribe in such activities.

Your kid is associating with terribly average kids. Her tribe is very much present but you have not yet found it. They tend to escape notice at first glance. Go to any Robotics competition, a TaekWondo dojo, Math competition, maker space, Geography bee, Chess camp...these kids are there. Go make friends with these kids. My children best friends are some equally nerdy kids from a different culture than ours, who are very supportive of them. They are all a little nerdy and a little quirky but they have both beautiful minds and beautiful souls.

Another tip. Please go beyond your race.

[Anonymous]

You've said nothing about her use of iphone/social media.

The world there could be contributing to her depression.

Maybe this doesn't apply to her situation....

[Anonymous]

Something about the way OP writes is off putting. The bossy girls. Spending thousands on other girls. How she was popular and had a lot friend groups. Op are you pushing your kid to be friends with certain kids? What kind of activities does she do that she's interested in?