Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

People who previously qualified for a diagnosis of Asperger's generally still receive a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. The shift is because there wasn't a clinically reliable way to distinguish between high functioning autism and Aspergers and the diagnostic traits had some ones that seemed to be part of a broader spectrum which includes traits within the normal spectrum. So, yes, being clumsy and awkward alone won't get you an ASD diagnosis, but persistent social problems since age 3 that cause problem in daily life might warrant a closer look--especially in girls who are often underdiagnosed in basic screening assessments.

OP has decided to swim in denial on this one

And you’ve decided to swim in ignorance on this one.

[Anonymous]

There is always another girl out there that needs a friend. Teach your child to look around and find someone who seem left out, try to talk her into making friends with that person. All you need in life is ONE friend. Then again, sometimes kids with friends problem do not like other kids with friends problems because they think that other friend is "too weird". Then again, first, everybody deserves a friend and also everybody has some good qualities, and people who can not find friends and end up with a friend are most loyal of friends. Tell her to be on a lookout for bringing friendship to those who can not find it and maybe this will be a solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD sounds a lot like me. Most of my life people just don’t seem to like me. I got to the point where I really watered down my personality and it seemed to help. It’s hard for me to form close relationships with people quickly, or be a value add in a conversation, but turns out being “boring” or “uninteresting” can mean “mysterious” or just allows you another chance to get to know someone.

I feel sad for your DD and I truly hope this helps bc it took me awhile to realize the problem truly was me, and I just needed to learn that I don’t fit in normally and if I want to be social I have to really water down my personality.

Try to teach DD to be happy with herself, so she isn’t depressed being alone. I really could have benefited from it. I hated my home life so I didn’t feel like being alone was an option for me, and it caused a lot of issues. I think if I had felt more comfortable being at home, it would have been easier on me.

Me too, but I had siblings to help point out in a kind way when I was being particularly odd. It wasn't so bad because I loved being home with books.
Good for you OP for helping her find her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

Whoa! No!!!
Aspergers syndrome was relabeled High Functioning Autism. The diagnosis did not go away nor did "neuropsychs realize aspergers symptoms meant you are normal" whatever crazy gibberish this might be.

Yes! I am a teacher who attends a lot of Special Ed meetings. Kids who were once labeled with Aspergers are now diagnosed on the autism spectrum, period. The criteria didn’t change, the Aspergers label simply doesn’t exist anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Her teachers will have been aware and have a good idea of what the problem is, and they will have been doing their best to help/mitigate. They’ll also be very reluctant to be blunt/honest with you about it for fear of offending you or coming across as insulting your kid.

If you’re loikingbto pinpoint specific problematic behaviors, maybe set a meeting with a teacher that knows her well. Assure the teacher that you need honesty and that you’re looking for things you can work on with your daughter and that you know the teachers have the best opportunities for social observation. If the teacher can think of specific examples, that’s great— if you explain ahead of time, she’ll have a few days to observe.

This is great advice. My daughter had some issues with a clique of girls in sixth grade and ever since then, I've made an effort to ask those teachers who are with her most/know her best about how she's doing socially, what they observe about her in terms of her interactions with other kids, and how she is perceived by her classmates. It is sometimes hard to hear honest feedback about your child, but it is really helpful and good teachers have great insight on the social dynamics of their classroom.

Parent of this age group and teacher also. Past PPs offered excellent advice. Just want to second that we’ll often notice behaviors but so many parents are defensive or just don’t care that often we keep it to ourselves unless asked. Ask the teachers. I’d let them know in the beginning of the year your concerns and tell them to please reach out if they’re noticing anything.

[Anonymous]

It's hard if her social skills are below her age. She's almost at the age where it's more common to have opposite sex friends. Maybe she can make friends with guys more. Worked for me when I was having a hard time — for different reasons.

[Anonymous]

Awww. I have a friend with a DD like this. It is disheartening. I feel like your DDs should meet as they are both 12. Looking from the outside, her DD comes off as a bit babyish, overeager, kind of nerdy but is cute and adorable. Kids see her as a disease. They literally hate her. Annoying, dumb, retarded and a freak is what they call her to her face. They physically assault her too. Now in MS, the lids from her ES tell other kids to not play with her as that is social suicide. Her mother, though, is not the most likeable either and she is on the blacklist with most moms.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid and it was so painful but I finally found a spot in a church youth group that was really focused on an annual work-mission trip. We did a lot of chores for church members and a lot of singing together. It was a group that was full inclusive. I wasn't ever one of the cool kids but I did have a group that did things together. I think I might have killed myself if I hadn't had this (I almost did). Find a good sized church or synagogue with an active youth program and start going. Tamp down your reservations about organized religion and just be part of the community.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever tried a social skills group? There are so many and 1) they will foster friendships wit the girls in the group and 2) you’ll get weekly honest feedback from the facilitator

[Anonymous]

I wish my 12 yo dd could meet your 12 yo dd. Sounds like she is a square peg amongst lots of round holes.

My daughter loves art and lots of things most girls in her classes are just not into. She also likes old music (from the sixties).

Have your daughter read Stargirl. See what she thinks.

Love her regardless and seek out spaces where invigorating subjects are abundant. She will find her way. Reach out to the homeschool community as well as there may be non athletic opportunities there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the recommendation to foster dogs! Two of my three kids (now in MS/HS) have ADHD/anxiety/LDs but all the kids love fostering dogs and always do it for the 8th grade service learning project. The rescue groups we work with are very positive, appreciative and always in need of fosters. The kids are responsible for caring for the dogs. We all work on teaching the dogs simple commands. We have met the nicest people through these groups and at adoption events and the kids have had a lot of practice interacting with diverse people. It's a win-win.

Can you recommend rescue groups you work with that welcome kid involvement?

my kid and I work with worthydog.org.

[Anonymous]

Slight PSA to parents of girls.

For reasons like the OP and so many others have described, it's really important to that your daughter have a passion\hobby\something she can dive into. For me it was music and it helped me get through middle school which was painful and depressing. And then really helped me find my "tribe" in high school. I was really extremely depressed as a teen and music is the only reason I'm here today.

Get your daughter involved in an activity before age 10 and support the crap out of it, especially if you notice that she seems to be on the fringes of her peers. (Music, art, and writing are all very creative outlets, especially if DDs aren't particularly athletic!).

[Anonymous]

Yes to this ^^^ Also, theater. Theater kids embrace the weird on a major scale. You frankly don't have to be very talented to participate and new kids generally get ensemble roles and smaller roles, but they are a part of a typically close knit community. As they get older, they can participate in the technical parts of the show if they aren't getting roles they want at auditions. Every school has a theater class or club and there are lots of summer theater programs for kids in this area.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you got a LOT of advice that I will try not to repeat. Sorry if this is rambling...

I was generally your daughter growing up. I was very wrapped up in my imaginative world and was pretty immature compared to the other girls (and not bc I was young for my grade, born in May which put me in the middle back then). I just could not handle group dynamics, I always ended up left out. I'm sure you have gotten lots of advice, but she really just needs to find a best friend. I agree with the advice to cull from your neighborhood. My best friend in middle school lived down the street and went to a charter school (I was in public) and was my secret barbie/american girl/pretend play friend. It was totally uncool to still play with barbies so we had a pact to play together and keep it a secret from others. It didn't help my loneliness at school, but it did help my overall happiness. We moved, but after that I was able to pair up with another girl and I was one of those girl pairs you see. I'm sure my mom was baffled I didn't have other friends usually, but it worked for me. We did join activities, but always together.

I was diagnosed ADD in adulthood, and it makes a lot of sense now. I was not hyperactive, but inattentive type, common in girls and gets missed. If she's super bright like I was, and it sounds like she has a high iq, she's probably pretty good at hiding these traits or having them not affect her schoolwork (which is the only time that schools or doctors will bring it up). ADD/ADHD kids are usually a few years more immature than their peers. I had a huge emotional growth spurt at age 18, it was almost like I was in a fog before, that's what it felt like. Just something to look at - there are things you can take naturally that can help with that, if so.

You might see if there is a younger child (one or two grades younger, not so much younger that it will be weird) who she connects with in the neighborhood. If they get along, let her hang out at your house a lot (her mom will love the break haha). Most girls are much more forgiving of social awkwardness in younger or older children than their age peers.

I have two girls (age 8 and 11) and they are leaps and bounds cooler than I ever was, its been weird raising them. My 11 year old was born a Queen Bee, she is not a mean girl but she just has this presence about her, this boundless confidence, kids have always flocked to her. Not saying that to brag, but just to state that I don't think that's something you can learn, its somewhere in the mysteries of the universe and how the laws of attraction in friendship work...

My 8 year old isn't like that, in fact had she been an only child I think she might have caught some of my awkward haha, but she has grown up around queen bee big sister and a pretty intense tribe of older girls. Even all of the kids in our neighborhood are older daughter's age and my 11 year old has done a fabulous job including her sister, she's a 3rd grader with lots of 5th grade friends, which has made her pretty savvy socially.

In my mom observations, the kids that aren't necessarily quirky nerds but who can't seem to make friends, tend to be the girls who are bossy, loud, and don't give personal space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

Try travelingplayers.org. It is a great program and middle school students don’t have to audition to get a part. TPE is a wonderful community and kids can really find a home there. They have summer and winter programs for middle and high schoolers.

Oh bummer, it’s in VA; I’m near Rockville, MD. Thanks anyway!

Highwood in DTSS has a similar ethos and is closer to you.