Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Please help me with this. My dd is 12 years old and is always left out with the other girls. It ALWAYS happens. Camps, schools... it has been consistently happening since she was in preschool at 3 years old.

I need help so badly as I don't understand it. She is very kind, caring, funny, bubbly and charming. She does have a learning disability, but an above average/high IQ.

I have thrown countless parties, playdates, get togethers. I've spent thousands of dollars treating other kids to nice things so that she could have exposure to other girls.

It doesn't matter. She never gets invitations.

It's getting to the point where she doesn't even really try anymore because honestly, what's the point? She is more and more depressed these days as it's really getting to her.

I've taken her to psychologists before and I have never received any substantive advice about this specifically.

I'm turning to DCUM as a 'Hail Mary'. I can't bear to see this impact anymore. I am looking for real help here. Please no trolls. Please.

[Anonymous]

When you’re present, how does she act around other girls? How were you at making female friends as a kid!

[Anonymous]

Have you watched her interacting with other girls? What do you see, honestly? Is she shy? Is she maybe a little too eager (understandable)?

You say she's 12, and that's a time of transition. Are her peers at school into clothes/makeup, and maybe your daughter still has a little more of the child left in her (understandable)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this. My dd is 12 years old and is always left out with the other girls. It ALWAYS happens. Camps, schools... it has been consistently happening since she was in preschool at 3 years old.

I need help so badly as I don't understand it. She is very kind, caring, funny, bubbly and charming. She does have a learning disability, but an above average/high IQ.

I have thrown countless parties, playdates, get togethers. I've spent thousands of dollars treating other kids to nice things so that she could have exposure to other girls.

It doesn't matter. She never gets invitations.

It's getting to the point where she doesn't even really try anymore because honestly, what's the point? She is more and more depressed these days as it's really getting to her.

I've taken her to psychologists before and I have never received any substantive advice about this specifically.

I'm turning to DCUM as a 'Hail Mary'. I can't bear to see this impact anymore. I am looking for real help here. Please no trolls. Please.

This was my dd but, it turns out she has Autism. Do you suspect she also might? We had her tested twice but, the first time ( age 10) they missed the Autism diagnosis. It wasn't until age 13 that we officially knew. I'm not suggesting your daughter does but, it could be worth an extra look.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Eh. My teen son is the same, and we don’t try any more.
Gifted and learning disabled. Introverted. We focus on grades.

[Anonymous]

OP we know a girl like this. She talks non stop about everything that interests her but she never actually stops and listens to others or asks questions of others. She is intense and interesting but its exhausting and alienating.

Could your DD have a particular quirk like this which needs looking at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you watched her interacting with other girls? What do you see, honestly? Is she shy? Is she maybe a little too eager (understandable)?

You say she's 12, and that's a time of transition. Are her peers at school into clothes/makeup, and maybe your daughter still has a little more of the child left in her (understandable)?

Honestly she is very eager with other girls, I guess because she is so desperate. I try to advise her to play it cool with them, but I don't want her to overthink things too much.

You are right that she definitely has more of the child left in her.

I never had trouble with friends. At her age I had multiple groups of friends with barely any effort.

[Anonymous]

Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we know a girl like this. She talks non stop about everything that interests her but she never actually stops and listens to others or asks questions of others. She is intense and interesting but its exhausting and alienating.

Could your DD have a particular quirk like this which needs looking at?

She is not like this. She is very good at holding a conversation and is curious, introspective and self aware.

I agree with you that there HAS TO BE some sort of quirk that is turning everyone off. The problem is, I don't know what it is. I can't figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

[Anonymous]

OP what are her hobbies and interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

1) I have never had trouble making friends. That is what is so hard about this. At her age I had dozens of friends, and several good friends.

2) I think she is eager. She is also a bit clumsy. But how do we FIX that?

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a friend who frustrates her bc she’s always talking down about other girls and is kind of possessive in her friendships. I think she’s insecure but it is not fun being in a friendship with her and I don’t think it’s going to last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has a friend who frustrates her bc she’s always talking down about other girls and is kind of possessive in her friendships. I think she’s insecure but it is not fun being in a friendship with her and I don’t think it’s going to last.

+1

Overly bossy and controlling is a big turn off.