S/O Why do you care if moms stay home?

[Anonymous]

I WOHM and would love some SAHM friends - but when I do meet SAHM folks and they ONLY invite me to play dates on Tuesday at 10 am - the budding friendship fizzles immediately.

We even had to switch out of our church preschool because of the mommy shaming and unspoken requirement that I would “volunteer” in the classroom weekly. Or hover, there are lots of mom drop ins... I’d literally lose my job if I missed that much work.

I work because it’s not an option not to $$ and I love what I do.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a class element to it, especially directed at wealthy SAHMs.

Granted, some women work because they genuinely love their jobs (and they might be over represented on a website like this one).

However, I think the vast majority work because they HAVE to, because they need the money to eat and pay the mortgage or rent. Or they want the extra money for a nicer house, college funds, vacations, etc.

These women would quit in a second if they won the lottery and I think it's possible that they look at wealthy women their own age who have all the nice stuff they want but don't have to work for it (close in house, multiple kids in private school and expensive extracurrriculars, fancy cars and vacations, big cash savings, etc.) and get jealous and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a class element to it, especially directed at wealthy SAHMs.

Granted, some women work because they genuinely love their jobs (and they might be over represented on a website like this one).

However, I think the vast majority work because they HAVE to, because they need the money to eat and pay the mortgage or rent. Or they want the extra money for a nicer house, college funds, vacations, etc.

These women would quit in a second if they won the lottery and I think it's possible that they look at wealthy women their own age who have all the nice stuff they want but don't have to work for it (close in house, multiple kids in private school and expensive extracurrriculars, fancy cars and vacations, big cash savings, etc.) and get jealous and vindictive.

Ding ding ding ding!

The SAHM vs. WOHM debate, especially in this area, brings the growing wealth divide into sharp focus.

Now I KNOW there are going to be at least several women who can't help but come in here and brag about how their husbands make seven figures and they choose to work anyway. Honey, we know ya'll exist. But use that big brain of yours and find the power to acknowledge that your situation is unique and does NOT represent the average working woman's or man's.

Most people work because they have to. They do boring jobs like insurance claims adjuster not director of interesting indie movies. They don't feel personally fulfilled by their work and they don't break six figures. They don't get 6 weeks off a year plus holidays.

[Anonymous]

I am a WOHM, and SAHMs don't bother me one bit. What is annoying is all the husbands of the SAHMs at work who make comments about how they would never trust a daycare/nanny with their children, when they know that most of the women in our office are mothers in dual-career families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's defensiveness about our own choices...it's not about other people. I feel the WOHM guilt so i am sure of this. Same for the other direction.

This. It's because generally the reason why women choose to stay home it's because that to a certain extent the feel it's better for kids. This is a sentiment that's just sort of understood even if sahm's have enough couth to never express this opinion. It's pretty reasonable that mom's who work, especially if it's out of choice would feel defensive about their decision. And I say this as a sahm.

[Anonymous]

I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, for people saying they get all these mean comments from “the other side,” why are you even having these conversations? When people bring up work, childcare, schools, etc, I just smile and nod. It’s like religion to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, for people saying they get all these mean comments from “the other side,” why are you even having these conversations? When people bring up work, childcare, schools, etc, I just smile and nod. It’s like religion to me.

I'm the pp, and that's exactly the problem, I meet another mom at the park, I'm having a neutral friendly conversation. If asked, I briefly mention my job and where my kid is in childcare, and then the other person just jumps in with "I raise my own child." It only happened a couple times, but just such an odd, jarring experience. I am trying to make friends, so if I chat with people at the park I will ask them questions and respond to their questions to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

So I guess we’ve gotten to the point where people are offended if you say this and also offended if you don’t say this. We really just need to deal with the fact that yes, some people think it’s really important to have a parent at home, and yes, they would not choose the life you are living as a WOHM. They don’t want your life. Just like evangelical Christians would not choose your life if you are Jewish. Don’t be offended that someone doesn’t want your life. I’ve learned from DCUM that lots of people would rather die than live in my neighborhood, work in my profession, drive my car, and wear my choice of clothes. You live your life and don’t worry about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

I disagree. People make decisions based on their own unique circumstances. For me, it was better to work for a period of time and better to stay home for a period of time. Unless you live my exact life, your choices and what is best for your family are different and reasonable people can make different choices. It is not best for all moms to stay at home and it isn’t best for all moms to work. Life is complicated and different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

So I guess we’ve gotten to the point where people are offended if you say this and also offended if you don’t say this. We really just need to deal with the fact that yes, some people think it’s really important to have a parent at home, and yes, they would not choose the life you are living as a WOHM. They don’t want your life. Just like evangelical Christians would not choose your life if you are Jewish. Don’t be offended that someone doesn’t want your life. I’ve learned from DCUM that lots of people would rather die than live in my neighborhood, work in my profession, drive my car, and wear my choice of clothes. You live your life and don’t worry about them.

I agree with this. I’m a SAHM to a toddler and I don’t feel it’s wrong for me to say I want to stay home with my kid and spend my time with him. I do it and I happen to like it. Not everyone does - my sister in-law couldn’t WAIT to get back to work and she goes on about how she doesn’t know how I “just” stay at home all day. I do feel her attitude or maybe just her phrasing is condescending, but in general I am completely fine with the fact that some parents do not feel the need or desire to stay home. If I didn’t want to stay home, I’d work and hire a nanny or look into daycare, and trust that those caretakers - who want to take care of children and are trained to- would do a good job. Better than a mom who didn’t want to stay at home.

I realize I am lucky to be able to stay at home and that some women who work would rather be at home with their young children. DH makes 150k in DC and we are making it work with the rough plan that I will go back to work when DS starts school.

[Anonymous]

I only cared when DCs started elementary school. I couldn't find much sympathy for the SAHMs who claimed they were too busy to contribute to activities (that didn't happen at school and we're basically part of their social circle with other moms). Of the 3 Girl Scout troops in DDs grade, they are all led by WOHMs. The SAHMs wouldn't step up for something that involved evening or weekend commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

So I guess we’ve gotten to the point where people are offended if you say this and also offended if you don’t say this. We really just need to deal with the fact that yes, some people think it’s really important to have a parent at home, and yes, they would not choose the life you are living as a WOHM. They don’t want your life. Just like evangelical Christians would not choose your life if you are Jewish. Don’t be offended that someone doesn’t want your life. I’ve learned from DCUM that lots of people would rather die than live in my neighborhood, work in my profession, drive my car, and wear my choice of clothes. You live your life and don’t worry about them.

I don't think this is true for most of us. I'm not offended by what other people may or may not be thinking. I'm offended by comments that directly insult my choices, and that's why I don't make comments that insult the choices of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have feelings about other moms' work/care situations until we get to the part of the conversation that goes:

"Yeah, I felt it was really important to be there to raise my own child."

What am I supposed to do with that? It's not even about SAH vs WOH, it's about a high level of social cluelessness. Now that my child's older and goes to an urban public charter, the comment is "well, you know, we couldn't stay in the city because we needed a good school for Mortimer."

The problem is that even if a sahm doesn't come right out and say this, which I would hope most wouldn't. Truth is most of us share that sentiment. Working moms know this and of course the defensiveness is going to be there.

I don't know about most of us. I did it because I can't handle the hectic. Traveling husband and kid with special needs appts and 2 needy dogs. It wasn't about "raising my own kids" at all. It was about my situation and trying to keep these particular balls in the air. If I could have had a day nanny and a night nanny to also raise the kids, trust me, I would have! I also paid to put them in preschool, which is similar to daycare where someone else "raises my kids". It's all about keeping afloat. Now I WOH again and have outsourced a bunch of stuff including dog walker when husband travels, house cleaning, meal stuff, etc. The kids are at school being raised by the school I guess.

All to say the "raise my kids" part is laughable when somebody brings it up.