Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why my phone posted twice.

It is probably a work phone from the government and now they know your IP address. Go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it means the emotional bond is broken.

I'm not sure about that. My long-term AP has a fairly good partnership with his wife. They coparent ok, have an active social life, and seem fairly committed.

I think they fought more before this affair; his resentment at a life sentence of sexlessness as the cost of being with his kid was putting an edge on him (we were close friends before the affair).

Fast forward a couple of years into our relationship, we love each other and have an emotional connection we both value but I don't think he *doesn't* have one with her. On the one hand, I think more than sex was missing from their marriage or he and I would only be having casual sex- he wouldn't have fallen for me so completely. But on the other, here we are.

My emotional connection with my husband was gone long before the affair. I'm sure I couldn't have fallen for someone else if our marriage wasn't irretrievably broken. We're still together though. His mental illness makes him a great candidate for spousal support. I'm not willing to impoverish myself and our kids so here we are.

So you are divorcing your husband and look forward to collecting spousal support? Your AP should of divorced his wife a long time ago but instead is having an affair with you. As to the emotional connection with your DH, why did you stay with him. You keep advocating that it is ok to have an affair and kids are involved. How old are you kids?
Is your AP going to divorce his DW so you guys can be together?

.

No, I said I would probably owe spousal support because my husband is mentally ill and can't support himself.

I think my AP and his wife have an emotional connection. It's mostly platonic and companionate. And since he has a great sex life and romantic love with me is say his life is pretty complete.

So I'll keep pulling my weight as bread winner at home, keep my kids in a place where they can enjoy their dad (he can't stay employed but he's kind and helps with homework), and have an unconventional emotional life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

Modern medicine and our resulting longevity have resulted in this predicament. We now have the wonderful opportunity to get sick and tired of each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

How do you have any self-respect? You are married to someone who shits on your marriage vows on a regular basis (unless you included his right to have affairs when you got married). What does your marriage even mean? Why bother even being married?

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

PP here. I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not sure why my marriage arrangement bothers you so much, because I’m happy. My husband is my husband - we have the house, the cars, the holidays, the vacations, the financial accounts. This is not at risk. We are committed to each other as primary partners. Our kids see a mature, loving partnership based on openness and trust, rather than duplicity and deception, as is the case in cheating relationships. I adore him and he adores me. His occasional dalliance does not negate that.

Are you really wondering about the financial and societal benefits of marriage? That the efforts and energies of two people together is greater than maintaining two separate households?

I completely agree with your perspective on marriage. I don't think monogamy is biologically normal and I'm not religious, so why should I give up a great relationship because my man wanted a little new physical excitement? I used to be devastated when he cheated, like the world ended. Every time I thought of those women and the circumstances around them I'd feel stick to my stomach.

But then I cheated, and now I totally get it. I can 100% understand how me wanting to kiss a new guy doesn't change my love for my partner or the strength of our relationship at all. I can understand now how sometimes it really can just be a physical thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I feel bad for you. A lot of psychological problems if you are accepting of this. Maybe try looking for a therapist who could help you understand why you allow this. Childhood or other issues you're not aware of.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not.

[Anonymous]

so really, it's ok because he makes a lot of money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I feel bad for you. A lot of psychological problems if you are accepting of this. Maybe try looking for a therapist who could help you understand why you allow this. Childhood or other issues you're not aware of.

Are you a trained psychologist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I feel bad for you. A lot of psychological problems if you are accepting of this. Maybe try looking for a therapist who could help you understand why you allow this. Childhood or other issues you're not aware of.

Are you a trained psychologist?

+2

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I feel bad for you. A lot of psychological problems if you are accepting of this. Maybe try looking for a therapist who could help you understand why you allow this. Childhood or other issues you're not aware of.

LOL. Welcome to DCUM, where anyone with viewpoints different from your own means they’re psychologically damaged.

[Anonymous]

Would fear STDs. Another man? No way- that would reflect to me that he’s gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.