What is SIL's problem with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is not to blame for her SIL's outrageous behavior. Op is only responsible for the ooey gooey lovey dovey talk between herself and her husband. She and her dh were poking the crazy lady with their comments. That wasn't right of them.

+1

They really should have just ignored her. Or, if you're going to call her out, do it directly. "SIL, why are you so angry and saying such rude things?" The passive-aggressive lovey-dovey crap is annoying and inflammatory. Which it was intended to be, I suspect. Just help FIL serve.

So what if SIL makes rude comments? You DON'T need to respond. You shouldn't even be taking it personally, since she's clearly an unhappy person.

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong with OP's behavior.

1) she was right to help FIL.
2) I can forgive her a little snark given SILs behavior.
3) They should not have to go buffet style b/c SIL is too big of an ass.

OP made her SIL look like the spoiled twit she is. That's why she's mad. And, you know what? That's just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and SIL have disliked me since the day my DH brought me home. Over the years we have had a lot of drama with the MIL but after repeated confrontations and talks, she seems to have toned it down. She treats me politely but coldly and that is fine with me. She KNOWS her treatment of me is not cool and when she says acts crazy again, we all know its on her, not me or my DH.

My SIL has never liked me and goes out of her way to treat me as a stranger. She is passive aggressive and MEAN.

Over the years I have been busy focusing on MIL so I have generally brushed her behavior aside but at a recent thanksgiving her meanness come up front and center and has been on my mind.

Example:

FIL is getting up there and had some trouble serving our plates at dinner. He was having difficulty giving SIL the right about of stuffing, she gets annoyed, yells at him gets up and serves her own plate with a huff and sits back down. I look at FIL and felt bad he was struggling so I gently ask him if he needs help. He says yes thank you. I stand up and start serving everyone's dinner, filling every plate passed to me and adjusting according to their preferences. This seems to make SIL mad for some reason. She visibly recoils. Then she starts mean commentary, " guys! look at Larla! What is she doing?! She is giving everyone tiny portions! we need to eat!" I am too busy serving to comment and let it slide. Then, " OMG guys lets all give Larla tips for serving us! hahah!"

I give mu husband an angry "wtf" look. He looks at me back and says, "Laria is doing a wonderful job. Thank you honey!"

Then when its my plate, DH gets out of his seat and says, "you shouldn't have to serve yourself. Let me get yours." I say thanks, kiss him, and sit down.

SIL freaks out. "What??!! That is not fair! I had to get my own plate! Why do you have to serve Larla's?!"

"My husband ignores her and casually mutters, "she's my wife."

I look at SIL and say gently, "Britney you should be proud your brother is being a good husband."

She then visibly recoils, mutters something under her breath and gives me the most icy angry stare and then a fake plastic exaggerated smile"

I'm so shocked at it Im left staring at the obvious display of hatred. Out of the blue!

I am utterly confused. She always does things like this, criticize me, call me out, make fun of me. I have no idea what is going on? What is her deal? How do I deal?

Your SIL is an insufferable jerk and there's no way you can change her. Give up on that. OTOH, this was a hostile statement and it would have pissed me off, too. Disengage from your SIL. She's a lost cause. But don't play these kinds of passive aggressive games in response to your SIL's aggression.

Yes it was. But it was deserved. And if you were pissed about that, I could live with that.

Bullies and jerks need to have their behavior called on. She can stew in her own juices and be as pissed as she wants.

[Anonymous]

OP here. SIL is 28 years old and single. She is coddled like she is 16 and acts like she is 14. It is so obnoxious. BTW NO ONE in the family tells her to knock it off, including my DH who thinks its not worth the drama as she will react badly and throw a fit. He generally ignores her but I have told him that I am not ok with being treated with disrespect. As such my DH was trying to be nice to me since she had started to pick on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and SIL have disliked me since the day my DH brought me home. Over the years we have had a lot of drama with the MIL but after repeated confrontations and talks, she seems to have toned it down. She treats me politely but coldly and that is fine with me. She KNOWS her treatment of me is not cool and when she says acts crazy again, we all know its on her, not me or my DH.

My SIL has never liked me and goes out of her way to treat me as a stranger. She is passive aggressive and MEAN.

Over the years I have been busy focusing on MIL so I have generally brushed her behavior aside but at a recent thanksgiving her meanness come up front and center and has been on my mind.

Example:

FIL is getting up there and had some trouble serving our plates at dinner. He was having difficulty giving SIL the right about of stuffing, she gets annoyed, yells at him gets up and serves her own plate with a huff and sits back down. I look at FIL and felt bad he was struggling so I gently ask him if he needs help. He says yes thank you. I stand up and start serving everyone's dinner, filling every plate passed to me and adjusting according to their preferences. This seems to make SIL mad for some reason. She visibly recoils. Then she starts mean commentary, " guys! look at Larla! What is she doing?! She is giving everyone tiny portions! we need to eat!" I am too busy serving to comment and let it slide. Then, " OMG guys lets all give Larla tips for serving us! hahah!"

I give mu husband an angry "wtf" look. He looks at me back and says, "Laria is doing a wonderful job. Thank you honey!"

Then when its my plate, DH gets out of his seat and says, "you shouldn't have to serve yourself. Let me get yours." I say thanks, kiss him, and sit down.

SIL freaks out. "What??!! That is not fair! I had to get my own plate! Why do you have to serve Larla's?!"

"My husband ignores her and casually mutters, "she's my wife."

I look at SIL and say gently, "Britney you should be proud your brother is being a good husband."

She then visibly recoils, mutters something under her breath and gives me the most icy angry stare and then a fake plastic exaggerated smile"

I'm so shocked at it Im left staring at the obvious display of hatred. Out of the blue!

I am utterly confused. She always does things like this, criticize me, call me out, make fun of me. I have no idea what is going on? What is her deal? How do I deal?

Your SIL is an insufferable jerk and there's no way you can change her. Give up on that. OTOH, this was a hostile statement and it would have pissed me off, too. Disengage from your SIL. She's a lost cause. But don't play these kinds of passive aggressive games in response to your SIL's aggression.

Yes it was. But it was deserved. And if you were pissed about that, I could live with that.

Bullies and jerks need to have their behavior called on. She can stew in her own juices and be as pissed as she wants.

WTF? And SIL's behavior was not hostile towards the OP???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and SIL have disliked me since the day my DH brought me home. Over the years we have had a lot of drama with the MIL but after repeated confrontations and talks, she seems to have toned it down. She treats me politely but coldly and that is fine with me. She KNOWS her treatment of me is not cool and when she says acts crazy again, we all know its on her, not me or my DH.

My SIL has never liked me and goes out of her way to treat me as a stranger. She is passive aggressive and MEAN.

Over the years I have been busy focusing on MIL so I have generally brushed her behavior aside but at a recent thanksgiving her meanness come up front and center and has been on my mind.

Example:

FIL is getting up there and had some trouble serving our plates at dinner. He was having difficulty giving SIL the right about of stuffing, she gets annoyed, yells at him gets up and serves her own plate with a huff and sits back down. I look at FIL and felt bad he was struggling so I gently ask him if he needs help. He says yes thank you. I stand up and start serving everyone's dinner, filling every plate passed to me and adjusting according to their preferences. This seems to make SIL mad for some reason. She visibly recoils. Then she starts mean commentary, " guys! look at Larla! What is she doing?! She is giving everyone tiny portions! we need to eat!" I am too busy serving to comment and let it slide. Then, " OMG guys lets all give Larla tips for serving us! hahah!"

I give mu husband an angry "wtf" look. He looks at me back and says, "Laria is doing a wonderful job. Thank you honey!"

Then when its my plate, DH gets out of his seat and says, "you shouldn't have to serve yourself. Let me get yours." I say thanks, kiss him, and sit down.

SIL freaks out. "What??!! That is not fair! I had to get my own plate! Why do you have to serve Larla's?!"

"My husband ignores her and casually mutters, "she's my wife."

I look at SIL and say gently, "Britney you should be proud your brother is being a good husband."

She then visibly recoils, mutters something under her breath and gives me the most icy angry stare and then a fake plastic exaggerated smile"

I'm so shocked at it Im left staring at the obvious display of hatred. Out of the blue!

I am utterly confused. She always does things like this, criticize me, call me out, make fun of me. I have no idea what is going on? What is her deal? How do I deal?

Your SIL is an insufferable jerk and there's no way you can change her. Give up on that. OTOH, this was a hostile statement and it would have pissed me off, too. Disengage from your SIL. She's a lost cause. But don't play these kinds of passive aggressive games in response to your SIL's aggression.

Yes it was. But it was deserved. And if you were pissed about that, I could live with that.

Bullies and jerks need to have their behavior called on. She can stew in her own juices and be as pissed as she wants.

WTF? And SIL's behavior was not hostile towards the OP???

Calm down. You are correct. It was hostile and, as I said, the hostility was deserved as the SIL behaved like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. SIL is 28 years old and single. She is coddled like she is 16 and acts like she is 14. It is so obnoxious. BTW NO ONE in the family tells her to knock it off, including my DH who thinks its not worth the drama as she will react badly and throw a fit. He generally ignores her but I have told him that I am not ok with being treated with disrespect. As such my DH was trying to be nice to me since she had started to pick on me.

OP you see these people 2-3 times a year. It is none of your business how the family deals with their bad egg. You have a person who by your own account treats basically everyone terribly but you want your DH to start a big kurfuffle during a family holiday because you specifically won't tolerate being party to the disrespect. Just don't go to Thanksgiving next time, go to your own folks.

Family dynamics occasionally mean sucking it up. I would say that a rare family gathering with a DH that apparently does have your back is exactly the time to suck it up. As other PP's have pointed out. Someone cooked that meal. Someone spent all day planning and executing. And you and your DH and SIL turned it into all-about-you. You could have quietly gotten up, helped FIL serve and every time SIL made a comment, either ignored or pivoted. And the showmanship of you serving every plate after SIL got hers and then your DH gallantly stepping up, ushering you to your seat and serving you is really over the top. Your SIL appears to suck. You will likely never know the source of her animosity. Maybe her brother was always favored and she resents him and his happiness. Maybe she is depressed that she is single and 28. Maybe she is a bitter mean nasty person for no reason. But the bottom line is that this is her personality. She treated her own dad just as badly as she treated you. So certainly nothing you say or do will ever change her. But you're the only one that engaged in a tit for tat about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She ALWAYS does things like this. Usually we ignore her and pay her no heed. However sometimes we can't help but respond.

This is as much BS as your "you should be proud....." comment. Of course, you can 'help' responding. You choose not to and, thereby, escalate and prolong the drama.

And, who the hell dishes out food to everyone? What's up with that?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, you know - sometimes people are just persnickety and annoying. I'm sure 28 year old sister in law - single, as you point out - doesn't love you swooping in and serving everyone and swooning over her brother and being ridiculously demonstrative, any more than you love her lashing out at you.

If you want to try to win her over: can you suggest you and she spend the day together sometime, or go out for a drink or something?

If you want to end the fighting: well good luck because it sounds like you're all a little prickly.

If you want to escalate: by all means keep going with the "you should be *proud*" comments.


You all need to chill the f*ck out, basically.

[Anonymous]

1) Go to these gatherings at the in-laws knowing full well that your SIL tends to be rude you and the rest of the family appears to be fine with her being rude to you. You put on a smiley face and grin and bear it, maybe arrive late and leave early to limit how much time you have to deal with it.

2) You stop going to their gatherings and either host at your own home or celebrate at someone else's house.

3) You find some way to befriend your SIL and learn to enjoy each other's presence. I wouldn't hold out too much hope for this based on your description of her. She does not sound like a reasonable person and she does not sound as though she GAF what you think about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. She ALWAYS does things like this. Usually we ignore her and pay her no heed. However sometimes we can't help but respond.

This is as much BS as your "you should be proud....." comment. Of course, you can 'help' responding. You choose not to and, thereby, escalate and prolong the drama.

And, who the hell dishes out food to everyone? What's up with that?

Exactly. I agree with the PP who said that a family holiday with someone you see only a few times a year is precisely the time to suck it up. You don't need to stand up for yourself, you don't need to engage in tit-for-tat, you don't need your husband to "support" you. Just ignore it. Don't feed the drama. Focus on the family members you do get along with. Your SIL is obnoxious, you're not going to change that, and it doesn't matter. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. She ALWAYS does things like this. Usually we ignore her and pay her no heed. However sometimes we can't help but respond.

This is as much BS as your "you should be proud....." comment. Of course, you can 'help' responding. You choose not to and, thereby, escalate and prolong the drama.

And, who the hell dishes out food to everyone? What's up with that?

Exactly. I agree with the PP who said that a family holiday with someone you see only a few times a year is precisely the time to suck it up. You don't need to stand up for yourself, you don't need to engage in tit-for-tat, you don't need your husband to "support" you. Just ignore it. Don't feed the drama. Focus on the family members you do get along with. Your SIL is obnoxious, you're not going to change that, and it doesn't matter. Let it go.

eh, MIL could have taken her baby to the side and had a word with her and asked her to play nice. Apparently that has not happened. Op said the in-laws don't like her much. It's not Op's job to offer herself up for abuse on the holidays. The answer may be to simply spend less time with them. Try every other year or shorten the visits to a more doable time frame.

[Anonymous]

^What Op can't do is go to her in-laws house and engage in these passive aggressive dinner table jousts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and SIL have disliked me since the day my DH brought me home. Over the years we have had a lot of drama with the MIL but after repeated confrontations and talks, she seems to have toned it down. She treats me politely but coldly and that is fine with me. She KNOWS her treatment of me is not cool and when she says acts crazy again, we all know its on her, not me or my DH.

My SIL has never liked me and goes out of her way to treat me as a stranger. She is passive aggressive and MEAN.

Over the years I have been busy focusing on MIL so I have generally brushed her behavior aside but at a recent thanksgiving her meanness come up front and center and has been on my mind.

Example:

FIL is getting up there and had some trouble serving our plates at dinner. He was having difficulty giving SIL the right about of stuffing, she gets annoyed, yells at him gets up and serves her own plate with a huff and sits back down. I look at FIL and felt bad he was struggling so I gently ask him if he needs help. He says yes thank you. I stand up and start serving everyone's dinner, filling every plate passed to me and adjusting according to their preferences. This seems to make SIL mad for some reason. She visibly recoils. Then she starts mean commentary, " guys! look at Larla! What is she doing?! She is giving everyone tiny portions! we need to eat!" I am too busy serving to comment and let it slide. Then, " OMG guys lets all give Larla tips for serving us! hahah!"

I give mu husband an angry "wtf" look. He looks at me back and says, "Laria is doing a wonderful job. Thank you honey!"

Then when its my plate, DH gets out of his seat and says, "you shouldn't have to serve yourself. Let me get yours." I say thanks, kiss him, and sit down.

SIL freaks out. "What??!! That is not fair! I had to get my own plate! Why do you have to serve Larla's?!"

"My husband ignores her and casually mutters, "she's my wife."

I look at SIL and say gently, "Britney you should be proud your brother is being a good husband."

She then visibly recoils, mutters something under her breath and gives me the most icy angry stare and then a fake plastic exaggerated smile"

I'm so shocked at it Im left staring at the obvious display of hatred. Out of the blue!

I am utterly confused. She always does things like this, criticize me, call me out, make fun of me. I have no idea what is going on? What is her deal? How do I deal?

Your SIL is an insufferable jerk and there's no way you can change her. Give up on that. OTOH, this was a hostile statement and it would have pissed me off, too. Disengage from your SIL. She's a lost cause. But don't play these kinds of passive aggressive games in response to your SIL's aggression.

Yes it was. But it was deserved. And if you were pissed about that, I could live with that.

Bullies and jerks need to have their behavior called on. She can stew in her own juices and be as pissed as she wants.

Didn't say it wasn't deserved. It just seemed to me that OP escalated something and is acting like she didn't. You could argue that she should have escalated it. Okay, that's an argument that can be made. But OP is acting a bit disingenuous if she wants us to think she did nothing to escalate the situation. And personally I don't think that comment reflects well on OP. Tell SIL to lay off directly if you want. But stop with the passive aggressive behavior. All in all though this sounds like a tough situation. Sorry you had to go through this OP.

[Anonymous]

You are taking her problems personally. Step back, let it go and manage how best to navigate the situation for yourself. What do you need to do for YOU to avoid reacting like that, Op. You only control you.