What is SIL's problem with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

Then handle it one of two ways:

(1) Call her out directly. No nonsense. No more gentle passive-aggressive swipes. No more DH speaking or acting like you're his 4-year-old. Pull on your big girl pants and be direct with this brat.

Or

(2) 100% ignore. Don't ask her anything. Ever. Literally. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she asks you something, give short simple answers and move on to talk to someone else. If she engages in a conversation you're having with someone else, just don't respond to her comments. Let her speak, then turn right back to the other person and continue on as if she hadn't. If she throws a tantrum respond like you would to a toddler and ignore. Deprive her of the reaction she's seeking.

But continuing as you are, with cloying passive aggressive behavior from you and DH is only going to continue aggravating the situation. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. Not that you should take her abuse, but that the way you're going about it is the worst possible way to respond. And yes, of course her parents are a-holes for not saying something, but as a PP said, none of them are here asking for advice. If they were, we'd be happy to tell them that they're all jerks, but for now, all we can do is try to help you with what you can control. So, assume that they are not going to change and act accordingly.

I think this would only work with someone who routinely annoys you. But for someone who is actively mocking you, making fun of you.....they are not going to stop until they get a reaction. This isn't a crowd of people at a party. This Op, her husband, MIL, FIL and this SIL . Op is a captive audience sitting at the dining room table for meals, sitting around the Christmas tree opening presents and whatever else they might be doing during their gathering.

SIL is going to cause Op or Op's dh to react again UNLESS they change something about the way these gatherings are being handled.

But realistically, how is that going to be accomplished? OP says her DH has already tried talking to his family. MIL and FIL are clearly not going to put the kibosh on it. So, either OP (with or without DH) cuts off contact with ILs or she finds the best imperfect way to handle it. I think that's all people are trying to do. Given what we've been told, it doesn't seem like there's anything OP or DH can do to change the way SIL acts. So, all they can control is how they react to her. And truly, they should both feel more peace if they stop asking "how can we change her?" and instead ask "how can we diminish the impact of her on us?" I have a difficult MIL and this shift in attitude was a godsend for me. Instead of letting her crazy take up space in my head, making me angry, replaying events and having imaginary conversations to convince her to change, I just let it all go. She says/does whatever and I shrug, drink some more wine, and don't give it another thought. And I'm SO much happier and calmer.

I wouldn't blame OP if she went no contact, but it doesn't seem like that's what she (or her DH) wants and so I'm trying to help her make the best of an admittedly crappy situation. Another option would be calmly getting up and leaving as soon as SIL says something obnoxious, but it sounds like they would be leaving every single gathering within 20 minutes of arriving. That just seems like a pain for OP and DH.

Op has said that her SIL is rude to her and her in-laws have never liked her. That's a tough crowd to spend a family holiday with. Ignoring the nasty little jabs from SIL and the approving silence of the IL's is not the same thing as making it all go away.

I would personally skip Christmas with them this year and let SIL have them all to herself. Maybe Op and her husband can pick another day to visit the in-laws when SIL is not around. See if they can improve their relationship with the parents first. If they can manage that, they might get some help from the parents in getting SIL to come around.

But right now, there is just too much negativity in a room with those people. I wouldn't subject myself to that.