What is SIL's problem with me?

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. Let me gennnnnntly explain to you that you are not the boss of anyone. Oh, what's that? A bystander is upset by our conversation? Let me give him a gentle kisssss and speak more gennnnnnnttttttly to youuuuuu.

[Anonymous]

Other ways to handle her rudeness. As dramatic but more funny:

1) Grab your stomach and say "Ooops! Gotta head to the crapper! This is gonna take some time!"

2) Gather up your crinoline and run sobbing to the guest bedroom. Close the door with purpose.

3) Tell your beloved hubby that you are suddenly feeling faint. Could he please be a dear and get the smelling salts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and SIL have disliked me since the day my DH brought me home. Over the years we have had a lot of drama with the MIL but after repeated confrontations and talks, she seems to have toned it down. She treats me politely but coldly and that is fine with me. She KNOWS her treatment of me is not cool and when she says acts crazy again, we all know its on her, not me or my DH.

My SIL has never liked me and goes out of her way to treat me as a stranger. She is passive aggressive and MEAN.

Over the years I have been busy focusing on MIL so I have generally brushed her behavior aside but at a recent thanksgiving her meanness come up front and center and has been on my mind.

Example:

FIL is getting up there and had some trouble serving our plates at dinner. He was having difficulty giving SIL the right about of stuffing, she gets annoyed, yells at him gets up and serves her own plate with a huff and sits back down. I look at FIL and felt bad he was struggling so I gently ask him if he needs help. He says yes thank you. I stand up and start serving everyone's dinner, filling every plate passed to me and adjusting according to their preferences. This seems to make SIL mad for some reason. She visibly recoils. Then she starts mean commentary, " guys! look at Larla! What is she doing?! She is giving everyone tiny portions! we need to eat!" I am too busy serving to comment and let it slide. Then, " OMG guys lets all give Larla tips for serving us! hahah!"

I give mu husband an angry "wtf" look. He looks at me back and says, "Laria is doing a wonderful job. Thank you honey!"

Then when its my plate, DH gets out of his seat and says, "you shouldn't have to serve yourself. Let me get yours." I say thanks, kiss him, and sit down.

SIL freaks out. "What??!! That is not fair! I had to get my own plate! Why do you have to serve Larla's?!"

"My husband ignores her and casually mutters, "she's my wife."

I look at SIL and say gently, "Britney you should be proud your brother is being a good husband."

She then visibly recoils, mutters something under her breath and gives me the most icy angry stare and then a fake plastic exaggerated smile"

I'm so shocked at it Im left staring at the obvious display of hatred. Out of the blue!

I am utterly confused. She always does things like this, criticize me, call me out, make fun of me. I have no idea what is going on? What is her deal? How do I deal?

Do your and your husband have a shared FB account, you know, one of those Larla Larlo Jones deals?

[Anonymous]

OP did right by sticking up for herself. I'd act in the same way since my in laws mistreat me. I am not there just to take crap from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did right by sticking up for herself. I'd act in the same way since my in laws mistreat me. I am not there just to take crap from them.

I guess anything goes....sharp words, passive aggressive jabs, food fights, pouting, silent treatments...the halls aren't going to be the only things decked, buster! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry effin Christmas!

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that SIL is crazy and you won't change her. Just ignore. Act as though she didn't even speak. Don't look at her, don't respond. Just keep going about what you were doing. No break in your conversation. Seriously, pretend she does not exist when she says looney things.

I get the inclination to respond as you did, but have to admit, as a totally sane and disinterested observer, I found myself rolling my eyes as you described it. Had I been there, I probably would have struggled to avoid laughing at how ridiculous you and DH were being (and your SIL, but that goes without saying). But, since SIL isn't on here asking for advice, we can only advise you, OP, and here it goes - have some dignity.

You don't respond to crazy with more crazy (or with saccharine, adolescent displays). Just ignore. It's the high road and it will drive her nuts. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Here's the deal....I do not think that it is in anyway o.k. for Op to be abused by her SIL every time they get together for a family gathering. Somehow this abuse has become par for the course at the IL's house and that is totally not acceptable.

Op and her dh need to figure out away that they can attend a holiday gathering at the In-laws' w/o Op being subjected to this crap or Op and her dh will simply have to start spending their holidays elsewhere.

All that negative animosity is not good for anyone in that house and it needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to spend their Christmas dinner being tormented by an adult sized toddler having a meltdown?

[Anonymous]

Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

You are not going to win this at the in-laws' table. That's their baby girl. She could stand up and take a dump on the table and they would be convinced that her sh*t didn't stink. After all they raised that themselves.

I don't have much advice for you. If you think that your dh could talk to her on your behalf maybe he could try to strike some sort of truce? Sorry you are dealing with this BS. Maybe you can get together with the in-laws some other time when she's not there? I would not go back to their house for Christmas under those circumstances though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

Then handle it one of two ways:

(1) Call her out directly. No nonsense. No more gentle passive-aggressive swipes. No more DH speaking or acting like you're his 4-year-old. Pull on your big girl pants and be direct with this brat.

Or

(2) 100% ignore. Don't ask her anything. Ever. Literally. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she asks you something, give short simple answers and move on to talk to someone else. If she engages in a conversation you're having with someone else, just don't respond to her comments. Let her speak, then turn right back to the other person and continue on as if she hadn't. If she throws a tantrum respond like you would to a toddler and ignore. Deprive her of the reaction she's seeking.

But continuing as you are, with cloying passive aggressive behavior from you and DH is only going to continue aggravating the situation. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. Not that you should take her abuse, but that the way you're going about it is the worst possible way to respond. And yes, of course her parents are a-holes for not saying something, but as a PP said, none of them are here asking for advice. If they were, we'd be happy to tell them that they're all jerks, but for now, all we can do is try to help you with what you can control. So, assume that they are not going to change and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't relate because my family always does buffet style. But it does sound like you have a martyr complex, which is just part of the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

Then handle it one of two ways:

(1) Call her out directly. No nonsense. No more gentle passive-aggressive swipes. No more DH speaking or acting like you're his 4-year-old. Pull on your big girl pants and be direct with this brat.

Or

(2) 100% ignore. Don't ask her anything. Ever. Literally. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she asks you something, give short simple answers and move on to talk to someone else. If she engages in a conversation you're having with someone else, just don't respond to her comments. Let her speak, then turn right back to the other person and continue on as if she hadn't. If she throws a tantrum respond like you would to a toddler and ignore. Deprive her of the reaction she's seeking.

But continuing as you are, with cloying passive aggressive behavior from you and DH is only going to continue aggravating the situation. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. Not that you should take her abuse, but that the way you're going about it is the worst possible way to respond. And yes, of course her parents are a-holes for not saying something, but as a PP said, none of them are here asking for advice. If they were, we'd be happy to tell them that they're all jerks, but for now, all we can do is try to help you with what you can control. So, assume that they are not going to change and act accordingly.

I think this would only work with someone who routinely annoys you. But for someone who is actively mocking you, making fun of you.....they are not going to stop until they get a reaction. This isn't a crowd of people at a party. This Op, her husband, MIL, FIL and this SIL . Op is a captive audience sitting at the dining room table for meals, sitting around the Christmas tree opening presents and whatever else they might be doing during their gathering.

SIL is going to cause Op or Op's dh to react again UNLESS they change something about the way these gatherings are being handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

Then handle it one of two ways:

(1) Call her out directly. No nonsense. No more gentle passive-aggressive swipes. No more DH speaking or acting like you're his 4-year-old. Pull on your big girl pants and be direct with this brat.

Or

(2) 100% ignore. Don't ask her anything. Ever. Literally. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she asks you something, give short simple answers and move on to talk to someone else. If she engages in a conversation you're having with someone else, just don't respond to her comments. Let her speak, then turn right back to the other person and continue on as if she hadn't. If she throws a tantrum respond like you would to a toddler and ignore. Deprive her of the reaction she's seeking.

But continuing as you are, with cloying passive aggressive behavior from you and DH is only going to continue aggravating the situation. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. Not that you should take her abuse, but that the way you're going about it is the worst possible way to respond. And yes, of course her parents are a-holes for not saying something, but as a PP said, none of them are here asking for advice. If they were, we'd be happy to tell them that they're all jerks, but for now, all we can do is try to help you with what you can control. So, assume that they are not going to change and act accordingly.

This is the best advice on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. SIL always picks on me and makes fun of me. When I ask her something she responds bitingly and or sarcastically. No one tells her to cut it out. I completely ignore her behavior 95% of the time.

On thanksgiving I did say something without directly confronting her. I was annoyed she was throwing a tantrum that I was helping her dad, and I got even more annoyed when she started picking on DH too. I wasn’t rude or mean. I am not going to sit there and take abuse.

Then handle it one of two ways:

(1) Call her out directly. No nonsense. No more gentle passive-aggressive swipes. No more DH speaking or acting like you're his 4-year-old. Pull on your big girl pants and be direct with this brat.

Or

(2) 100% ignore. Don't ask her anything. Ever. Literally. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she asks you something, give short simple answers and move on to talk to someone else. If she engages in a conversation you're having with someone else, just don't respond to her comments. Let her speak, then turn right back to the other person and continue on as if she hadn't. If she throws a tantrum respond like you would to a toddler and ignore. Deprive her of the reaction she's seeking.

But continuing as you are, with cloying passive aggressive behavior from you and DH is only going to continue aggravating the situation. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. Not that you should take her abuse, but that the way you're going about it is the worst possible way to respond. And yes, of course her parents are a-holes for not saying something, but as a PP said, none of them are here asking for advice. If they were, we'd be happy to tell them that they're all jerks, but for now, all we can do is try to help you with what you can control. So, assume that they are not going to change and act accordingly.

I think this would only work with someone who routinely annoys you. But for someone who is actively mocking you, making fun of you.....they are not going to stop until they get a reaction. This isn't a crowd of people at a party. This Op, her husband, MIL, FIL and this SIL . Op is a captive audience sitting at the dining room table for meals, sitting around the Christmas tree opening presents and whatever else they might be doing during their gathering.

SIL is going to cause Op or Op's dh to react again UNLESS they change something about the way these gatherings are being handled.

But realistically, how is that going to be accomplished? OP says her DH has already tried talking to his family. MIL and FIL are clearly not going to put the kibosh on it. So, either OP (with or without DH) cuts off contact with ILs or she finds the best imperfect way to handle it. I think that's all people are trying to do. Given what we've been told, it doesn't seem like there's anything OP or DH can do to change the way SIL acts. So, all they can control is how they react to her. And truly, they should both feel more peace if they stop asking "how can we change her?" and instead ask "how can we diminish the impact of her on us?" I have a difficult MIL and this shift in attitude was a godsend for me. Instead of letting her crazy take up space in my head, making me angry, replaying events and having imaginary conversations to convince her to change, I just let it all go. She says/does whatever and I shrug, drink some more wine, and don't give it another thought. And I'm SO much happier and calmer.

I wouldn't blame OP if she went no contact, but it doesn't seem like that's what she (or her DH) wants and so I'm trying to help her make the best of an admittedly crappy situation. Another option would be calmly getting up and leaving as soon as SIL says something obnoxious, but it sounds like they would be leaving every single gathering within 20 minutes of arriving. That just seems like a pain for OP and DH.