Why do some people have to compromise but others don’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wrong! Also, if you want something in life, go out and make it happen.

Maybe you've never had bad, unexpected things happen to you (illness, death, being impacted by a natural disaster, etc.) but your attitude of having complete control over all aspects of your life will only serve you until your first rude awakening.

Widowed, devastated. I’m well aware I can’t control my entire life, and still, my advice is, if you want something, get off your ass and make it happen. If you want an adventure-seeking millionaire, you go get to Everest base camp and dive onto one. Definitely don’t whine that life is unfair and leave it at that.

If you live in an expensive city, have college debt, have less than an outstanding income, goin' where the rich guys are is a massive financial gamble. Now, some people might have a high risk appetite and that is fine, but taking your advice can land you in a pretty shitty situation. Have you not seen the mid 30's cougars who give up the dream and settle for some 50+ year old (see other thread)? I have sadly seem many, many women in that boat and it ain't pretty. I am not advocating crying and playing it completely safe, but you don't always win taking the bull by the horns!

The flip side is this: who cares if you want something if you can't make it happen? There was an article on CNN in 2010 about people who were deeply, deeply unhappy that they couldn't live in trees with the blue people from Avatar. That's never going to happen. It's silly to be optimistic about that. Any friends of these people who told them to wait for that did them a disservice.

Want something realistic. Be optimistic about _that_. Make _that_ happen. If you need to lose weight, do that tough thing. If you need to move from Cumberland MD to DC just to find prospects, do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Original PP here.

My ex almost never sees our daughter. He has blown through a string of girlfriends and actually decided to move to a different state a couple years ago. He sees DD maybe one weekend per month from Friday until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. He was a good father when she was younger, but he makes almost no effort to have a meaningful relationship with her anymore. I would love if he lived here and we had meaningful joint custody because I think it's important that DD have a relationship with her dad, but he's not interested in that in much the same way that he wasn't interested in our marriage. When it's easy for him to fit being a father into his life, he does it. Most of the time, he doesn't bother.

As for my husband, my point was that the makings of a good partner have less to do with their paycheck and physique and more to do with how they treat the person they marry and the children they raise. When I said he was introverted and doesn't like social stuff, what I meant was that he doesn't go to happy hour 4-5 days per week, schedule activities with friends all weekend, and take guys' vacations every couple of months. He prioritizes spending time with us as a family, taking our daughters (the one from my first marriage and the one we have together) to their various activities, etc. He makes okay money at a decent, stable job and is home for dinner by 6:30 every day.

When you marry someone for a lifestyle, you have to accept that you may feel very lonely as they put their energy into maintaining the lifestyle. I think it depends on what kind of lifestyle a person wants for themselves. Personally, I'll take a marriage to someone who loves me and demonstrates that he cares about me over a person who only cares about being perceived as successful by other people.

JFC, you sound depressed, really sad. you may have skipped some much needed therapy as it sounds like you don't really love your current DH nor do you truly appreciate and value him. if you did value and appreciate him, then you would not be here complaining.

for the sake of your 2 children, learn to love your DH and find a way to let go of the fairytale you've created in your head. or, let your DH free so he can be with someone who values and loves him for who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Original PP here.

My ex almost never sees our daughter. He has blown through a string of girlfriends and actually decided to move to a different state a couple years ago. He sees DD maybe one weekend per month from Friday until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. He was a good father when she was younger, but he makes almost no effort to have a meaningful relationship with her anymore. I would love if he lived here and we had meaningful joint custody because I think it's important that DD have a relationship with her dad, but he's not interested in that in much the same way that he wasn't interested in our marriage. When it's easy for him to fit being a father into his life, he does it. Most of the time, he doesn't bother.

As for my husband, my point was that the makings of a good partner have less to do with their paycheck and physique and more to do with how they treat the person they marry and the children they raise. When I said he was introverted and doesn't like social stuff, what I meant was that he doesn't go to happy hour 4-5 days per week, schedule activities with friends all weekend, and take guys' vacations every couple of months. He prioritizes spending time with us as a family, taking our daughters (the one from my first marriage and the one we have together) to their various activities, etc. He makes okay money at a decent, stable job and is home for dinner by 6:30 every day.

When you marry someone for a lifestyle, you have to accept that you may feel very lonely as they put their energy into maintaining the lifestyle. I think it depends on what kind of lifestyle a person wants for themselves. Personally, I'll take a marriage to someone who loves me and demonstrates that he cares about me over a person who only cares about being perceived as successful by other people.

JFC, you sound depressed, really sad. you may have skipped some much needed therapy as it sounds like you don't really love your current DH nor do you truly appreciate and value him. if you did value and appreciate him, then you would not be here complaining.

for the sake of your 2 children, learn to love your DH and find a way to let go of the fairytale you've created in your head. or, let your DH free so he can be with someone who values and loves him for who he is.

Huh? It seems she’s out of the terrible relationship and now in a much bette one. I don’t understand your comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got lucky like that. My husband does well financially but more than that, he treats me like a princess. He takes care of all the small unpleasant details in life (from taxes and bills to travel details to taking my car to get serviced. I never do any of that stuff. For instance we’re on a beach vacation and I’m sitting in the house nominally watching the kids watch tv while he breaks down the beach tent and chairs).

I’m the first to admit I got supremely lucky. He’s just a great, kind, hard working guy.

So where did you compromise? It must be somewhere. No one is perfect.

Not sure because I don’t think I did. I got married at 24. No one settles at that age gets or bothers to get married if they’re not madly in love, lol.

I recently posted on another board about a different topic but anyway it cane up that my DH gets our kids breakfast in the morning during the summer and let’s me sleep in (I’m a SAHM). People were outraged about it which surprised me. To me this is just a small, kind gesture that people who love each other do to be nice.

+1 Same here. I have a similar husband. I got married at 22. If you know what you're looking for (and I did), college is a great time to find a stellar husband. The other men I dated before my husband went on to become the kinds of husbands OP is describing, so I think I would have ended up with one of these super-husbandy types guys no matter what.

When I married my husband, my friends thought he was boring. He was the quiet guy with an amazing work ethic (put himself through college and grad school, and this was 10-15 years ago, when college was plenty expensive), didn't party or drink (just wasn't interested in that scene), was thoughtful and kind.

Now that we are in our 30s, my husband has come out of his shell so nicely. He's social and sweet and really great at what he does. We have sex most days, sometimes twice on the weekends. And, financially, things have come together for him. He will probably be up for partner next year.

All the friends who thought I could do better spent much of their 20s dating guys who I could clearly see (and they should have seen) weren't going to pan out. They cohabitated, slept around, and now they're still on the shelf at 35 trying to figure out what compromises they're willing to make in order to put it all together. I wouldn't feel badly for them, but they admit that they're miserable. They are realizing the time they lost in their prime dating years.

Not everyone is husband shopping at 18-22. Some of us actually go to college to figure ourselves out.

And while you are figuring yourself out, other women went for the MRS and hit jackpot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Then don't. Some woman have no issues with those things. We want and get love and a partnership. It is a choice we make. Just like that is a choice you make.

No worries, I didn't settle for that.

[Anonymous]

The major issue is that women - or most women at least -want someone who is rich, handsome, and kind. It is extremely rare to find all three of those in one person. People that are successful professionally - especially men - are often not kind because frankly, the traits that equal success in business are often not the ones that equal success at home.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is husband shopping at 18-22. Some of us actually go to college to figure ourselves out.

And while you are figuring yourself out, other women went for the MRS and hit jackpot.

Because you married by 22? Not likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not everyone is husband shopping at 18-22. Some of us actually go to college to figure ourselves out.

And while you are figuring yourself out, other women went for the MRS and hit jackpot.

Because you married by 22? Not likely.

Agreed. Plenty people marry very young and are on their second divorce by 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not everyone is husband shopping at 18-22. Some of us actually go to college to figure ourselves out.

And while you are figuring yourself out, other women went for the MRS and hit jackpot.

Because you married by 22? Not likely.

Agreed. Plenty people marry very young and are on their second divorce by 30.

And plenty marry young and are still happily married. Myself included

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has their own strife.

I have a fantastic DH and great kids. And I have experienced a lot of death and pain in my life. But I am so grateful every day for the things and people I do have.

Honestly I think gratitude plays a lot into it. My mom is perpetually dissatisfied and a big part of it is that she is constantly looking for something better. She can't be happy with what is in front of her. It has made her successful in ways I'll never achieve but it has made her personally kind of a sad and wistful person.

I love my life, and whenever I get frustrated with DH I remind myself of all the things I love about him. Do that every day and you end up really loving someone!

Wow, are you me? I've also dealt with death and pain but am super grateful for my husband, and my mom is exactly the same as yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The major issue is that women - or most women at least -want someone who is rich, handsome, and kind. It is extremely rare to find all three of those in one person. People that are successful professionally - especially men - are often not kind because frankly, the traits that equal success in business are often not the ones that equal success at home.

YMMV.

What kind of successful men do you know? I know many from the fathers of my friends growing up to my parents' friends to my husband's friends to my co-workers and the fathers of my children's friends. Many of them are wildly successful (i.e. rich) from their careers but are also incredibly loving, sweet fathers and husbands. My dad way out-earns my FIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. My husband way out-earns my BIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. And my dad and husband have two totally different careers, so it's not that. I guess you can tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, but your statement does not hold up in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The major issue is that women - or most women at least -want someone who is rich, handsome, and kind. It is extremely rare to find all three of those in one person. People that are successful professionally - especially men - are often not kind because frankly, the traits that equal success in business are often not the ones that equal success at home.

YMMV.

What kind of successful men do you know? I know many from the fathers of my friends growing up to my parents' friends to my husband's friends to my co-workers and the fathers of my children's friends. Many of them are wildly successful (i.e. rich) from their careers but are also incredibly loving, sweet fathers and husbands. My dad way out-earns my FIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. My husband way out-earns my BIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. And my dad and husband have two totally different careers, so it's not that. I guess you can tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, but your statement does not hold up in my book.

+1

I’ve known and dated many very nice high earners who were truly kind men. I’m married to one, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The major issue is that women - or most women at least -want someone who is rich, handsome, and kind. It is extremely rare to find all three of those in one person. People that are successful professionally - especially men - are often not kind because frankly, the traits that equal success in business are often not the ones that equal success at home.

YMMV.

What kind of successful men do you know? I know many from the fathers of my friends growing up to my parents' friends to my husband's friends to my co-workers and the fathers of my children's friends. Many of them are wildly successful (i.e. rich) from their careers but are also incredibly loving, sweet fathers and husbands. My dad way out-earns my FIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. My husband way out-earns my BIL and is also 1,000 times kinder. And my dad and husband have two totally different careers, so it's not that. I guess you can tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, but your statement does not hold up in my book.

+1

I’ve known and dated many very nice high earners who were truly kind men. I’m married to one, too.

He must short and/or ugly

[Anonymous]

yep. I've known many successful and wealthy men who are also total sweethearts and treat their wives like queens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yep. I've known many successful and wealthy men who are also total sweethearts and treat their wives like queens.

but the key questions is do the wives put out as much as those men would like??