Why do some people have to compromise but others don’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got lucky like that. My husband does well financially but more than that, he treats me like a princess. He takes care of all the small unpleasant details in life (from taxes and bills to travel details to taking my car to get serviced. I never do any of that stuff. For instance we’re on a beach vacation and I’m sitting in the house nominally watching the kids watch tv while he breaks down the beach tent and chairs).

I’m the first to admit I got supremely lucky. He’s just a great, kind, hard working guy.

So where did you compromise? It must be somewhere. No one is perfect.

Not sure because I don’t think I did. I got married at 24. No one settles at that age gets or bothers to get married if they’re not madly in love, lol.

I recently posted on another board about a different topic but anyway it cane up that my DH gets our kids breakfast in the morning during the summer and let’s me sleep in (I’m a SAHM). People were outraged about it which surprised me. To me this is just a small, kind gesture that people who love each other do to be nice.

+1 Same here. I have a similar husband. I got married at 22. If you know what you're looking for (and I did), college is a great time to find a stellar husband. The other men I dated before my husband went on to become the kinds of husbands OP is describing, so I think I would have ended up with one of these super-husbandy types guys no matter what.

When I married my husband, my friends thought he was boring. He was the quiet guy with an amazing work ethic (put himself through college and grad school, and this was 10-15 years ago, when college was plenty expensive), didn't party or drink (just wasn't interested in that scene), was thoughtful and kind.

Now that we are in our 30s, my husband has come out of his shell so nicely. He's social and sweet and really great at what he does. We have sex most days, sometimes twice on the weekends. And, financially, things have come together for him. He will probably be up for partner next year.

All the friends who thought I could do better spent much of their 20s dating guys who I could clearly see (and they should have seen) weren't going to pan out. They cohabitated, slept around, and now they're still on the shelf at 35 trying to figure out what compromises they're willing to make in order to put it all together. I wouldn't feel badly for them, but they admit that they're miserable. They are realizing the time they lost in their prime dating years.

[Anonymous]

Op, repeat after me "Life is not fair."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

[Anonymous]

The best and most succinct way I've heard this phenomenon here on DCUm is "sometimes you bet on the wrong horse"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got lucky like that. My husband does well financially but more than that, he treats me like a princess. He takes care of all the small unpleasant details in life (from taxes and bills to travel details to taking my car to get serviced. I never do any of that stuff. For instance we’re on a beach vacation and I’m sitting in the house nominally watching the kids watch tv while he breaks down the beach tent and chairs).

I’m the first to admit I got supremely lucky. He’s just a great, kind, hard working guy.

So where did you compromise? It must be somewhere. No one is perfect.

no one if perfect but if you actually love somebody you don't spend a lot of time noticing and cataloging their imperfections and running an internal monologue about them. A lot of time people don't actually love their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Original PP here.

My ex almost never sees our daughter. He has blown through a string of girlfriends and actually decided to move to a different state a couple years ago. He sees DD maybe one weekend per month from Friday until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. He was a good father when she was younger, but he makes almost no effort to have a meaningful relationship with her anymore. I would love if he lived here and we had meaningful joint custody because I think it's important that DD have a relationship with her dad, but he's not interested in that in much the same way that he wasn't interested in our marriage. When it's easy for him to fit being a father into his life, he does it. Most of the time, he doesn't bother.

As for my husband, my point was that the makings of a good partner have less to do with their paycheck and physique and more to do with how they treat the person they marry and the children they raise. When I said he was introverted and doesn't like social stuff, what I meant was that he doesn't go to happy hour 4-5 days per week, schedule activities with friends all weekend, and take guys' vacations every couple of months. He prioritizes spending time with us as a family, taking our daughters (the one from my first marriage and the one we have together) to their various activities, etc. He makes okay money at a decent, stable job and is home for dinner by 6:30 every day.

When you marry someone for a lifestyle, you have to accept that you may feel very lonely as they put their energy into maintaining the lifestyle. I think it depends on what kind of lifestyle a person wants for themselves. Personally, I'll take a marriage to someone who loves me and demonstrates that he cares about me over a person who only cares about being perceived as successful by other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mostly credit my success, which included 2 engagements to infinitely marriageable men, to being the kind of woman those men wanted. I don’t mean hot. I mean professionally successful myself, considerate, a booster of their careers, giver of good advice for work politics. The kind of men who really respect women as people tend to value professional success. The kind of men who value their careers appreciate the career coaching. If a guy didn’t appreciate those things, we broke up quickly.

LOL. Professional success and career coaching is NOT what men do value or should value in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mostly credit my success, which included 2 engagements to infinitely marriageable men, to being the kind of woman those men wanted. I don’t mean hot. I mean professionally successful myself, considerate, a booster of their careers, giver of good advice for work politics. The kind of men who really respect women as people tend to value professional success. The kind of men who value their careers appreciate the career coaching. If a guy didn’t appreciate those things, we broke up quickly.

LOL. Professional success and career coaching is NOT what men do value or should value in a partner.

Yeah the lack of self awareness on that poster is laughable... and the fact that they never got to marriage from the engagement stage is telling. No man wants to be coached by their wife/partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Original PP here.

My ex almost never sees our daughter. He has blown through a string of girlfriends and actually decided to move to a different state a couple years ago. He sees DD maybe one weekend per month from Friday until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. He was a good father when she was younger, but he makes almost no effort to have a meaningful relationship with her anymore. I would love if he lived here and we had meaningful joint custody because I think it's important that DD have a relationship with her dad, but he's not interested in that in much the same way that he wasn't interested in our marriage. When it's easy for him to fit being a father into his life, he does it. Most of the time, he doesn't bother.

As for my husband, my point was that the makings of a good partner have less to do with their paycheck and physique and more to do with how they treat the person they marry and the children they raise. When I said he was introverted and doesn't like social stuff, what I meant was that he doesn't go to happy hour 4-5 days per week, schedule activities with friends all weekend, and take guys' vacations every couple of months. He prioritizes spending time with us as a family, taking our daughters (the one from my first marriage and the one we have together) to their various activities, etc. He makes okay money at a decent, stable job and is home for dinner by 6:30 every day.

When you marry someone for a lifestyle, you have to accept that you may feel very lonely as they put their energy into maintaining the lifestyle. I think it depends on what kind of lifestyle a person wants for themselves. Personally, I'll take a marriage to someone who loves me and demonstrates that he cares about me over a person who only cares about being perceived as successful by other people.

Trickle truth is starting I see. In your first post you said you re husband is nice to your child but now he isn't? Okay.

The things you listed that your current husband does and doesn't do are fairly standard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. [b]Why no love for these women?

Who says there is no love for them? Love isn’t the exclusive domian of the super wealthy and beautiful.

It’s all in the numbers. There are only so many rich men and even fewer who are rich and handsome. And billions of women who would want them. So unless you want to take the chance of spending your entire life single, pining away at what you have an extremely low chance of getting simply because of its rarity, and in most cases a lack of proximity to, most women sensibly choose someone compatible who they are in proximity to. And the same is true for men whose desire is a rich model-quality beauty.

And beauty and wealth doesn’t guarantee that a marriage will last forever in perpetual romantic bliss. It actually seems to increase the risk that a marriage will fail. Look at all the rich and beautiful in Hollywood — their marriages all crumble quickly. Angelina and Brad are divorcing. Jennifer Anniston and Jennifer Lopez have had the worst luck staying married. The most beautiful actresses get cheated on. There will always be younger, beautiful, starry-eyed women willing to throw themselves at a rich man, while age and familiarity (which breeds contempt) work against you.

You can spend a lot of time railing away at the unfairness of it all, OP, but there are better ways to spend your life.

[Anonymous]

Hard truth - Maybe no one wants to compromise to be with with you. Maybe what you bring to the table isn't worth compromising for. Maybe your drama/issues/baggage aren't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

PP here. Maybe. But having a fat balding partner and living in an apartment in my 30s is not my ideal. Not at'll.

Then don't. Some woman have no issues with those things. We want and get love and a partnership. It is a choice we make. Just like that is a choice you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard truth - Maybe no one wants to compromise to be with with you. Maybe what you bring to the table isn't worth compromising for. Maybe your drama/issues/baggage aren't worth it.

Way harsh Tai. Also probably true; but I'm just a smug married person so what would I know anyways?

[Anonymous]

The kind of men who really respect women as people tend to value professional success.

This is a joke, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got lucky like that. My husband does well financially but more than that, he treats me like a princess. He takes care of all the small unpleasant details in life (from taxes and bills to travel details to taking my car to get serviced. I never do any of that stuff. For instance we’re on a beach vacation and I’m sitting in the house nominally watching the kids watch tv while he breaks down the beach tent and chairs).

I’m the first to admit I got supremely lucky. He’s just a great, kind, hard working guy.

So where did you compromise? It must be somewhere. No one is perfect.

Not sure because I don’t think I did. I got married at 24. No one settles at that age gets or bothers to get married if they’re not madly in love, lol.

I recently posted on another board about a different topic but anyway it cane up that my DH gets our kids breakfast in the morning during the summer and let’s me sleep in (I’m a SAHM). People were outraged about it which surprised me. To me this is just a small, kind gesture that people who love each other do to be nice.

+1 Same here. I have a similar husband. I got married at 22. If you know what you're looking for (and I did), college is a great time to find a stellar husband. The other men I dated before my husband went on to become the kinds of husbands OP is describing, so I think I would have ended up with one of these super-husbandy types guys no matter what.

When I married my husband, my friends thought he was boring. He was the quiet guy with an amazing work ethic (put himself through college and grad school, and this was 10-15 years ago, when college was plenty expensive), didn't party or drink (just wasn't interested in that scene), was thoughtful and kind.

Now that we are in our 30s, my husband has come out of his shell so nicely. He's social and sweet and really great at what he does. We have sex most days, sometimes twice on the weekends. And, financially, things have come together for him. He will probably be up for partner next year.

All the friends who thought I could do better spent much of their 20s dating guys who I could clearly see (and they should have seen) weren't going to pan out. They cohabitated, slept around, and now they're still on the shelf at 35 trying to figure out what compromises they're willing to make in order to put it all together. I wouldn't feel badly for them, but they admit that they're miserable. They are realizing the time they lost in their prime dating years.

Not everyone is husband shopping at 18-22. Some of us actually go to college to figure ourselves out.