Why do some people have to compromise but others don’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mostly credit my success, which included 2 engagements to infinitely marriageable men, to being the kind of woman those men wanted. I don’t mean hot. I mean professionally successful myself, considerate, a booster of their careers, giver of good advice for work politics. The kind of men who really respect women as people tend to value professional success. The kind of men who value their careers appreciate the career coaching. If a guy didn’t appreciate those things, we broke up quickly.

2 engagements but no marriage is considered successful?

[Anonymous]

How do you know those friends of yours “obviously compromised” — because their husbands don’t meet your criteria for the “perfect” guy? The luckiest people in the dorks don’t compare themselves to others or value a superficial list of criteria when pursuing friendships or romantic relationships.

[Anonymous]

^^ the luckiest people in the world - not dorks! ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

Agreed, OP, spouse disparity is a huge problem.

The government should intervene, mandating burkas for attractive people, stealing 39% of successful husbands and giving them to less privileged partners.

[Anonymous]

Everyone compromises in some way although some don't even see it as compromising. You are seeing smoke and mirrors a bit when you look at your "perfect" friends - because no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. The thing is finding someone with flaws you don't mind and think make them unique/themselves.

Thing you are getting caught up on is the compromising idea. If you were to meet a coffee shop employee who liked the same band as you, treated you like gold, was dependable, compassionate, laughed at your jokes, you could have wonderful long conversations with, but was balding, a tad overweight, 5'7, nerdy, not a snazzy dresser, and didn't make a bunch of money - would you see that guy as compromising? I sure wouldn't - he's a catch. I'd see the wonderful qualities that I want in a partner. It is all in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ the luckiest people in the world - not dorks! ^^

LOL. I'm a total dork and so is my partner. I think being dorks together has actually led to a us feeling like the luckiest people in the world though. I bet you OP wouldn't consider us lucky by his/her standards as we're lesbians who aren't rich, but I really feel like the luckiest lady in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because not everything is as it appears to outsiders. Everyone compromises somewhere. Everyone.

+1 This is very true. No one is perfect and over time every relationship requires compromise to sustain it. I didn't "compromise" when I married my DH but I knew he wasn't perfect nor was I. But I was madly in love with him and I still am many years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got lucky like that. My husband does well financially but more than that, he treats me like a princess. He takes care of all the small unpleasant details in life (from taxes and bills to travel details to taking my car to get serviced. I never do any of that stuff. For instance we’re on a beach vacation and I’m sitting in the house nominally watching the kids watch tv while he breaks down the beach tent and chairs).

I’m the first to admit I got supremely lucky. He’s just a great, kind, hard working guy.

What do you contribute to the marriage? You sound proud of being treated like a helpless child.

Not the PP but if I had to guess, she’s thin and pretty. And I bet they have a lot of sex and you wouldn’t find her husband on here complaining about a dead bedroom.

I know the type and I know what those kind of men want (namely frequent sex with an attractive partner).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't fair.

+1
I will add that bad things can happen to anyone at any point. It is cliche, obviously, but just focus on appreciating what you have in life and be optimistic about your future.

Wrong! Also, if you want something in life, go out and make it happen.

Maybe you've never had bad, unexpected things happen to you (illness, death, being impacted by a natural disaster, etc.) but your attitude of having complete control over all aspects of your life will only serve you until your first rude awakening.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mostly credit my success, which included 2 engagements to infinitely marriageable men, to being the kind of woman those men wanted. I don’t mean hot. I mean professionally successful myself, considerate, a booster of their careers, giver of good advice for

Puke! Men do not want "coaching" from their wives. I know 2 women who saw their value in the marriage this way, and both are now unhappily divorced (the men left them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have girlfriends who literally seem to have married men who are too good to be true. Handsome. Super successful. Wealthy. With great personalities who treat their wives so well. These women are so so happy and thankful. They got really really lucky!

I also know other women who didn’t get lucky at all. Some who are perpetually single and others who very obviously settled for good enough men so they wouldn’t be alone. Why no love for these women?

I used to be married to a very wealthy man who was also cold. Our marriage was awful, though we wanted for nothing materially. He was good looking, successful, social, and was generally good to me. He didn't hit me or cheat on me. He wasn't a drug addict. He was nice to our child. But he wasn't warm. It wasn't a loving marriage.

Several years after we separated, I met the man I'm married to now. We rent an apartment and almost never travel because it's too expensive. He's overweight and is losing his hair. He's pretty introverted and doesn't like going to social stuff. But our marriage is amazing. He's so sweet to me and our child that none of the stuff that would seem like a compromise even matters to me. I would rather stay home with DH for the rest of time than go on every extravagant vacation my ex could dream up.

Wow I'd go for Husband #1 in a heartbeat.

Husband # 2 seems pretty bad.

But maybe it depends on perspective? Maybe PP is also overweight and borderline agoraphobic? I can see how marrying a guy like herself would be more comfortable. No pressure to improve or better yourself.

I just hope husband #1 has a least 50% custody of the because otherwise that’s a really depressing life for the child.

NP, or maybe PP is actually secure in herself, and doesn’t need a “perfect” (to the outside) life and husband to make her feel better about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger women usually see it as a compromise to be with a nice guy. They often go for guys who are bad boys or otherwise have some exciting component, which makes them bad marriage partners. Some women are smarter and can be attracted to the good guys.

Amen! x a million.

[Anonymous]

Wrong! Also, if you want something in life, go out and make it happen.

Maybe you've never had bad, unexpected things happen to you (illness, death, being impacted by a natural disaster, etc.) but your attitude of having complete control over all aspects of your life will only serve you until your first rude awakening.

Widowed, devastated. I’m well aware I can’t control my entire life, and still, my advice is, if you want something, get off your ass and make it happen. If you want an adventure-seeking millionaire, you go get to Everest base camp and dive onto one. Definitely don’t whine that life is unfair and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wrong! Also, if you want something in life, go out and make it happen.

Maybe you've never had bad, unexpected things happen to you (illness, death, being impacted by a natural disaster, etc.) but your attitude of having complete control over all aspects of your life will only serve you until your first rude awakening.

Widowed, devastated. I’m well aware I can’t control my entire life, and still, my advice is, if you want something, get off your ass and make it happen. If you want an adventure-seeking millionaire, you go get to Everest base camp and dive onto one. Definitely don’t whine that life is unfair and leave it at that.

If you live in an expensive city, have college debt, have less than an outstanding income, goin' where the rich guys are is a massive financial gamble. Now, some people might have a high risk appetite and that is fine, but taking your advice can land you in a pretty shitty situation. Have you not seen the mid 30's cougars who give up the dream and settle for some 50+ year old (see other thread)? I have sadly seem many, many women in that boat and it ain't pretty. I am not advocating crying and playing it completely safe, but you don't always win taking the bull by the horns!