How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sexism on this thread is astounding.

Astounding.

I agree. All OP needs is a SAHD. Why not?

Before even reading this my thought was. SAHD. Most of my friends have more normal, not law partner type jobs, the 3 or 4 who do have SAHP or spouses that work PT. Its freaking hard for both to be all in. If you are single, you do what you have to do. Self care though, that usually is the 1st to go.it just needs to shift to something you can do basically anytime and. ot scheduled

[Anonymous]

They marry men who will help them lean in. They have support staff. They have parents living with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

I think this is like the millionth time we have both done this but: my mom also had an important and prestigious job and instead of being a whiny ingrate like you I admired her then and imitated her later. Hopefully my kids see it as a model for how not to be martyrs. It would be so disappointing if they gave up on their careers or else their desire to be parents.

Meh. It is a risk you take, and depends on the individuals involved. Your kids could admire your work in your field, and simultaneously discover they don’t need you in their lives especially if you’re only there for the good times/events in their lives. You could be involved in everything, and they might land up fleeing the nest and never return because you were so omnipresent. You could have a great relationship, and they could move halfway around the globe while you’re old and unable to travel. They could follow your footsteps and not have time for you in you old age. It is a crapshoot.

OP you sound unsatisfied with the status quo. You might be able to have it all ... just not all at the same time. If your kids are old enough, ask them to provide input on what they value most. Maybe they don’t care about these events as much as you think they do. Maybe they’d rather have more one on one time than have you in the stands at their games. Good luck.

The PP above sounds a bit cynical, but it's probably true. Whether we work at a big job or stay at home, we don't entirely know what would have been the perfect choice at the time. My mom had a big career, and I always admired her (and still do). OTOH, I also really missed her. My mom so greatly enjoys being a doting grandmother, perhaps because she wasn't able to do this with my brother and I when we were kids. I have also chosen to be a working mom with a big job.

When I waffle about whether to become a SAHM, I also know that's not perfect either. I recall sitting at a nice brunch at a beautiful resort in Key Biscayne a few years ago and overhearing a bunch of 40-something women who were there for a girls' reunion weekend. They were all complaining about how they didn't respect their moms for being SAHMs. It seemed so ungrateful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

Well, I think you have a bigger problem than not having work life balance. You obvs have to do what u have to do but fortunately most of us here aren't faced with that dilemna.

[Anonymous]

They are married to dads who do majority of parenting, have parents who live with them, do tons of outsourcing for chores, have backup help to their back up help and hire a team of domestic staff.

Hire a team of people who can come to your house to give you massage, haircut, color your hair, wax, do your nails. Have stylists who can pick up your clothes for you, and finally have professional organizers come and organize your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask my kids what they want me to be at, they realize I can't do everything. I'm often surprised by what they pick (e.g., the soccer practice over the show) and why (so you can see how good i am even at the start of the season). I try not to let my reasons for wanting to be there (all the other moms will be) and focus on their reasons.

NP. You are a great mom. I learned something from you today. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

Well, I think you have a bigger problem than not having work life balance. You obvs have to do what u have to do but fortunately most of us here aren't faced with that dilemna.

I’m not quite sure what you read into my post. I make a very nice living with fabulous benefits but my visa is job dependent - surely you aware of people like me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

I think this is like the millionth time we have both done this but: my mom also had an important and prestigious job and instead of being a whiny ingrate like you I admired her then and imitated her later. Hopefully my kids see it as a model for how not to be martyrs. It would be so disappointing if they gave up on their careers or else their desire to be parents.

Meh. It is a risk you take, and depends on the individuals involved. Your kids could admire your work in your field, and simultaneously discover they don’t need you in their lives especially if you’re only there for the good times/events in their lives. You could be involved in everything, and they might land up fleeing the nest and never return because you were so omnipresent. You could have a great relationship, and they could move halfway around the globe while you’re old and unable to travel. They could follow your footsteps and not have time for you in you old age. It is a crapshoot.

OP you sound unsatisfied with the status quo. You might be able to have it all ... just not all at the same time. If your kids are old enough, ask them to provide input on what they value most. Maybe they don’t care about these events as much as you think they do. Maybe they’d rather have more one on one time than have you in the stands at their games. Good luck.

The PP above sounds a bit cynical, but it's probably true. Whether we work at a big job or stay at home, we don't entirely know what would have been the perfect choice at the time. My mom had a big career, and I always admired her (and still do). OTOH, I also really missed her. My mom so greatly enjoys being a doting grandmother, perhaps because she wasn't able to do this with my brother and I when we were kids. I have also chosen to be a working mom with a big job.

When I waffle about whether to become a SAHM, I also know that's not perfect either. I recall sitting at a nice brunch at a beautiful resort in Key Biscayne a few years ago and overhearing a bunch of 40-something women who were there for a girls' reunion weekend. They were all complaining about how they didn't respect their moms for being SAHMs. It seemed so ungrateful to me.

I don't think the first PP sounds cynical at all -- just realistic and aware that there's no pure play. Every family is different -- and within any family, every kid is different. Like the second PP, I had a mom with a big job and have mixed feelings about our relationship. I'm proud of her accomplishments, but also missed spending time with her while I was growing up. We had grandparents and aunts nearby, and a great nanny, but I wanted more of my mom's counsel and companionship. Of my three sisters, one also felt that way and the other two were really fine about it.

Because I feel I would have benefited from having a parent on the scene more and because I wanted my "self-care" time, I chose to work PT, starting when my oldest was 2. Also, I didn't want a FT nanny or au pair -- it just felt like more work to manage that relationship. And, most important, I felt my guidance of our kids would be different from that of even the best caregiver.

Of course, I couldn't have made this choice if we hadn't been very fortunate financially, but, beyond that, I couldn't have done it without my husband's complete agreement that it was right for our family. Our youngest is now in HS and older kids are in college. DH has always appreciated my contribution, while at the same time doing a lot of hands-on parenting. Did I go to more school and sports stuff? Sure, but he went to plenty. (And, even on weekends, we missed some of these events -- with three kids that's inevitable.)

How do our kids see us? I know they appreciate us as parents and we have a close family relationship. If and when they become parents, I hope they'll understand that we tried to make our choices based on how we perceived their best interests and with love for one another. I hope they'll forgive us for all the mistakes we made -- as all parents inevitably make mistakes. And, I hope they'll venture forward as parents with love in their hearts, a sense of humor, and faith that the right choices will outnumber the mistakes.

One more thing -- I have given my sons the same advice I've given my daughter -- be prepared to be the primary earner, but also be willing to consider being the primary parent. You never know what life will bring you.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to find a good balance. I do think it's a unicorn and I've accepted that. I'm always feeling like between the 3- job, kids and self-care, there's always one that takes priority (and it's always job or kids) depending on the situation/event. Ex. deadlines at work forces me to semi-ignore the kids; or a sick child at home affects my focus at work. For me, it helps that I have a husband who doesn't mind me putting in the hours for work and he has a flexible and much more relaxed job (not deadline driven).
A house cleaner is huge and just being super organized with my time, like scheduling haircuts, etc. way in advance; which I'm still working on TBH. At the end of the day, my kids understand that I have a job that requires me to work a lot sometimes and during those times I won't be able to spend as much time with them. Then on the days when the job isn't so crazy, then I make damn sure to always be there for them- not on the phone, not on the computer, etc.. It's really more about quality over quantity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

[Anonymous]

"Kid stuff"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

You can work and still make your children the priority. Millions of us do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

You can work and still make your children the priority. Millions of us do it.

NP here- I have a very demanding job and I do bend over backwards and say yes to my job in a lot of ways. I've had to cancel last minute plans with friends or even missed some events at my kid's school but NO way do I always say Yes to work . There's a line to be drawn and at some point, you have to say no to work especially when they're asking you to do dumb crap. If you're always saying yes, trust me, they will expect that you will always say yes and you will get taken for granted. Been there done that, and never again. If a job is always taking your time away from your loved ones, family- then it's time to move on to another job that respects that you have a life outside of work. Bottom line, life is too short.