How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
+1. I had an important job I never could have held if my husband hadn't handled carpool by himself for about four years. Not to mention cooked dinner, helped with homework, etc. I only missed one event at school during those years, but it was really hard, and I didn't get much sleep. I've moved on from that job, and am making up for lost time with re: to both carpool and sleep; dc is really proud of me for my professional accomplishments, but I think part of it is that he never felt like the job was more important than he was. Even with a really supportive husband, it's hard to sustain over a long period of time. Something's got to give. My only advice for OP is this: I was always the "star pupil" at work who never let anything slide. However, I learned that you can prioritize your child over work, and sometimes things aren't done perfectly, and the world doesn't end. There were times that I stood up and left because dc had an event at school, and I wanted to be there. Because I was a great performer the other 99% of the time, no one said a word. You're probably harder on yourself than everyone else is. |
Anonymous
Starting with the thread title. How do men with “big careers” (whatever that is?) make it work? |
Anonymous
Same answer; they outsource everything, sometimes to the other parent, and they don't attend every event and practice. |
Anonymous
Well, for one, the men usually have a supporting spouse at home. True story. My mom was a senior VP in a Fortune 500 company. She was the only woman in the senior leadership. She was at a late meeting one day with other senior leaders. It was about 8 or 9 pm. As they 6-7 of them were walking out the door, one man turned to my mom and said something like "Wow, I'm hungry. I hope Larla has something good ready for dinner tonight when I get home! What about you?" My mom, without missing a beat, said "When I get home I'm making a good dinner. I'm sure Laslo is looking forward to it!" The speaker and the other men were completely nonplussed. All of them had spouses who were SAH and who waited on them hand and foot. This was in the 2000s. Gender roles are hard to break. On the other hand, the loud and prolonged sound that you heard in the 90s was of the glass breaking as my mom clawed her way to the top, using her hammer to chip a hole in the ceiling so that she and other women could climb through. And my dad was right there with her boosting her in any way he could, just like she boosted him earlier in his career. |
Anonymous
| OP, I SAH but just came on to say that the face time at school events/sports gets way easier. My oldest is a 5th grader now and already there is so much less parents are expected to attend. Hang in there! |
Anonymous
|
My spouse is expected to contribute 50% of kid stuff. In reality, it's probably not that much, but he does most sports practices/games (I make about 75% of games) and I handle almost 100% logistics. We have an after-school sitter who oversees homework and can drive them to their activities, take them for haircuts, dentist appts, tutors, etc. We try to make sure at least one of us is at all school events. We're lucky that my mother is local and when we can't make it, she'll go. We try to meal plan for easy dinners (make double so we have leftovers the next day) and do a lot of takeout.
Ultimately, I have to make peace with the fact that I am not as present as I wish I were, but like everything in life, it's a tradeoff. I hope by working hard, I am setting a good example and will be able to provide my kids financial security. |
Anonymous
Your mom sounds like the Enjoli perfume commercial: I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever forget he.s a man, “cause I’m a woman, .... |
Anonymous
+1. My husband is actually the one with the more time-consuming career, but we still split up a lot of these events. He's dropping off the two oldest for their first day of school today. I will drop off the youngest at preschool next week. We'll both go in the morning for our daughter's first day of K. I do more, but if he didn't do his share, I'd be in the same boat as OP, and ain't nobody wants me on 5-6 hours of sleep regularly! |
Anonymous
This. I look back at the way I worked ten years ago (same job, though I have more responsibilities now), and I regret all the time I wasted on it instead of other parts of my life. I actually think I'm better at it now that I'm looking for ways to be more efficient, vs. prioritizing perfection in all aspects. Having kids forced that reevaluation, and now I preach it to new hires. |
Anonymous
|
Are your kids younger, OP? I found that by the time 3rd and 4th grade roll around, most parents tend to pick and choose what they attend and don’t attend, regardless of job status. And most families with more than two kids tend to drop off rather stay to watch
Right now, I do one game a week and miss practices and the other game, but the fact that I’m always there AND always attentive at that one weekly game is big. I’m all in and DC knows it. Much more important than always being there but not attentive. Plus, I always call to check in about how practices. |
Anonymous
| Just to pipe in on the "Dad's with big careers" tangent. Even those in marriages where they both decide one parent should stay at home, Dads want to be a part of the kids lives and the family routine too. In our house, Dad coaches soccer, makes breakfast, cooks on weekends sometimes, goes to all the school performances and sporting events that work with his schedule, pitches in with laundry and dishes and trash and yard work, and can manage the whole routine when mom has to travel for family business. It is all a part of family life. |
Anonymous
| I did not read the thread - so I apologize in advance, but 1) DH will always put their time and career in first place even if logically it should not and 2) you have a nanny? |
Anonymous
LOL. She is pretty impressive. She was SAH for 20 years supporting my dad's career all over the world but once she got out in the work force, she it the ground running and never looked back. I forgot about the commercial but my mother would be the embodiment of it! |
Anonymous
| Same way the men do it. Extremely supportive spouse with a flexible schedule. OR a very dedicated, rockstar nanny. |
Anonymous
Your office sounds so horrible. |