How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?

[Anonymous]

I think it helps at my kid’s school (NW DC) that 95% of families are dual-income, so we’re all doing the work-life juggle. If one of us can’t make it, someone will record or take photos. Also there are just as many dads present as moms, so no mom-specific guilt for me. Kid is very occasionally disappointed but rolls with it since she knows we have to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Why go to college if you’re just going to stay at home?

Why expect your own spending money or retirement money of your own if you don’t contribute income to the household?

Most important question:

Do you get it yet that these rude questions are divisive and pointless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Why don’t you ask a Big Law father that?

Or a senator who is also a dad?

Or the current or former president? Or the two presidents before them?

Or heart surgeon dads?

Oh, because you’re a sexist, ignorant arse. That’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom with a “big career” here. Supportive husband who attends most of the school stuff.

He is amazing.

Just want to give credit to dads who rarely get it on DCUM. You guys are the best. My husband does it all, works, cooks, attends school events and basically keeps us going.

+1. My DH does all these things which allows me my Biglaw career, although it still isn't easy.

He does pickups, drop offs, shopping, cooking, will get to the show early so he has a fromt row seat to record if I can't make it (although shows are a priority for me), bedtimes on days I can't make it home, etc. And he happens to pull-in over 200k in a job that is thankfully very flexible.

[Anonymous]

Everyone here has answered. I have three kids all with specific needs and extremely busy lives, big job, demands from grandparents, and I am very much primary breadwinner although with flexibility on where I am, great dh who equally tries to be everywhere with kids but his job is less stressful and less remunerative. The self care is the big problem. Exercise and sleep especially. I am now 51 and it is taking a toll. I do worry about my heart health etc. That is the hardest part.

[Anonymous]

How about teaching your kids something very important in life--expectations. There should not be any expectation that Mom can make it to EVERYTHING because Mom has to work to help support the household. This is the reality of life for almost everyone. Your kid will be fine once they understand that the world does not revolve around them at all times.

[Anonymous]

Women I know with big jobs have either a husband that has a super flexible work at home type job or they have live in nannies. I recently decided to quit my job because I was so overwhelmed by everything (and had been for years) but was underpaid while my husbands income skyrocketed. It’s strange not to work right now but I’ve been so busy with the kids and I’ve actually had time for sleep, exercise and making good food that I feel so much better and I don’t know how I had time before for work! If you have to work I’d say to you think like a man- they prioritize themselves- a lot of guys with big jobs I know are fit and have nice clothes- I think it helps getting the big jobs. Get as much household help as you can if your husband can’t or won’t do it. You can have it all but not at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom with a “big career” here. Supportive husband who attends most of the school stuff.

He is amazing.

Just want to give credit to dads who rarely get it on DCUM. You guys are the best. My husband does it all, works, cooks, attends school events and basically keeps us going.

+1

Women need to marry men who will pitch in with domestic chores and child rearing. This is the reality. You cannot do this without help.

Another alternative that is popular with other cultures is having grandparents or siblings stay in the same house. I grew up in a joint family in another country. My mom was the Principal of a woman's college and had a demanding job. She was working six days a week. Our grandparents lived with us and took care of a lot of things that my mom could not. I was loved and well cared for. There was also a great sense of security knowing that there were four adults to look after me and my brothers in that household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Why don’t you ask a Big Law father that?

Or a senator who is also a dad?

Or the current or former president? Or the two presidents before them?

Or heart surgeon dads?

Oh, because you’re a sexist, ignorant arse. That’s why.

Not pp, but my husband is a surgeon, he goes to a lot of kid activities and I cover the remainder. Where is op’s spouse in this equation?

[Anonymous]

"Everyone" doesn't do it, if by "do it" you mean work "big jobs," spend your free time with kids, and take care of their health. There are only so many hours in the day. If you work long hours and can make it to most kid events, that sounds like a win.

I'm ruthless about taking care of my health (daily exercise and decent sleep), so the big job doesn't work for me. I'm happy with that trade-off, i.e., FT but not more than FT, flexible with decent pay and great benefits. But I don't know any women with demanding careers and children who exercise regularly, sleep a decent amount, and still see their kids on a daily basis. The math doesn't compute.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making a good life for yourself and for your kids but to say it is sooo hard means you have lost perspective on how good you have it.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who could be in a big job. I am in an executive level position, but of course I could be higher up. People tell me to apply for a senior director role, and I feign humility and say I'm not ready for it, because I am not ready for it but not in the way that they think. Im not ready because I ave two special needs kids who have therapies during the week. My husband helps a lot and I am primary breadwinner. We would love some more money, but we both agree that sanity is more important right now. Taking the Senior Director role would entail more work travel for me. Hubs is super, but he also gets tired. Yeah we can hire a night nanny, but I actually like being home at night with the kids (especially when we have successfully put them to sleep).

Self-care? I try to hit the gym once a week... not ideal but I do what I can. I rotate my ankles during meetings...hahaha...

Kids miss me. My daughter always says repeatedly, "I miss mommy!"I tell her I miss her back. It is what it is

So to OP, my answer to your question is just be honest with what you can and what you want.

[Anonymous]

Here are some things I do:

1) I have an au pair who brings the kids to my office on days when I can slice out some time (e.g. lunch on a teacher inservice day, or drop off there when I’m waiting for my team to finish so I can do the final sign-off before something goes out, then we can commute home together).

2) I belong to a great gym close to my office. Sometimes I just go there to use the steam room and shower rather than a full work out, for my mental health. I am always looking for some down time where I can sneak out.

3) I have a separate set of office produce I buy on weekends and bring in on Mondays so I have fresh nectarines, celery, yogurt, etc at the office to make sure I’m not eating garbage all the time.

4) I keep lots of things that make me feel human at work like an essential oil diffuser, skincare products, changes of clothes.

5) I have a hotspot on my phone and if I’m trying to go to a kid event, I take an uber instead of driving and my laptop, work on my way there, work until the thing starts, then work on my way back. This dramatically cuts down on the dead time for making it to events like this.

6) If I’m going to be home so late, and leave so early, that I won’t see my kids anyway, I sometimes get a hotel very close to the office, so I can push through more work, not lose any commute time, and sleep better (personally sleep better in hotels, YMMV). This is a rare tool, but damned effective for major work stuff. By not going home and letting all the mundane home garbage chew up some of my attention and energy, I find it’s easier to get through that big deadline, and then I usually can come home early the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are some things I do:

1) I have an au pair who brings the kids to my office on days when I can slice out some time (e.g. lunch on a teacher inservice day, or drop off there when I’m waiting for my team to finish so I can do the final sign-off before something goes out, then we can commute home together).

2) I belong to a great gym close to my office. Sometimes I just go there to use the steam room and shower rather than a full work out, for my mental health. I am always looking for some down time where I can sneak out.

3) I have a separate set of office produce I buy on weekends and bring in on Mondays so I have fresh nectarines, celery, yogurt, etc at the office to make sure I’m not eating garbage all the time.

4) I keep lots of things that make me feel human at work like an essential oil diffuser, skincare products, changes of clothes.

5) I have a hotspot on my phone and if I’m trying to go to a kid event, I take an uber instead of driving and my laptop, work on my way there, work until the thing starts, then work on my way back. This dramatically cuts down on the dead time for making it to events like this.

6) If I’m going to be home so late, and leave so early, that I won’t see my kids anyway, I sometimes get a hotel very close to the office, so I can push through more work, not lose any commute time, and sleep better (personally sleep better in hotels, YMMV). This is a rare tool, but damned effective for major work stuff. By not going home and letting all the mundane home garbage chew up some of my attention and energy, I find it’s easier to get through that big deadline, and then I usually can come home early the next day.

Oh and

7) I face time with my eldest immediately after school almost every day. My mom says that kids need to talk about their schoolday right after they get home so I do it while she’s being driven by the au pair. Usually this is a complaint session from the kiddo about interpersonal kid stuff, but it lets her get all of it off her chest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

I think this is like the millionth time we have both done this but: my mom also had an important and prestigious job and instead of being a whiny ingrate like you I admired her then and imitated her later. Hopefully my kids see it as a model for how not to be martyrs. It would be so disappointing if they gave up on their careers or else their desire to be parents.

Meh. It is a risk you take, and depends on the individuals involved. Your kids could admire your work in your field, and simultaneously discover they don’t need you in their lives especially if you’re only there for the good times/events in their lives. You could be involved in everything, and they might land up fleeing the nest and never return because you were so omnipresent. You could have a great relationship, and they could move halfway around the globe while you’re old and unable to travel. They could follow your footsteps and not have time for you in you old age. It is a crapshoot.

OP you sound unsatisfied with the status quo. You might be able to have it all ... just not all at the same time. If your kids are old enough, ask them to provide input on what they value most. Maybe they don’t care about these events as much as you think they do. Maybe they’d rather have more one on one time than have you in the stands at their games. Good luck.