Reply to How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why have kids if they aren't a priority?  My mom placed her job before me   I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me.  I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk.  What kind of future do you want with your kids?  When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them?  Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?[/quote]

I think this is like the millionth time we have both done this but: my mom also had an important and prestigious job and instead of being a whiny ingrate like you I admired her then and imitated her later.  Hopefully my kids see it as a model for how not to be martyrs. It would be so disappointing if they gave up on their careers or else their desire to be parents. [/quote]

Meh.  It is a risk you take, and depends on the individuals involved.  Your kids could admire your work in your field, and simultaneously discover they don’t need you in their lives especially if you’re only there for the good times/events in their lives.  You could be involved in everything, and they might land up fleeing the nest and never return because you were so omnipresent.  You could have a great relationship, and they could move halfway around the globe while you’re old and unable to travel.  They could follow your footsteps and not have time for you in you old age.  It is a crapshoot.

OP you sound unsatisfied with the status quo.  You might be able to have it all ... just not all at the same time.  If your kids are old enough, ask them to provide input on what they value most.  Maybe they don’t care about these events as much as you think they do.  Maybe they’d rather have more one on one time than have you in the stands at their games.  Good luck.[/quote]

The PP above sounds a bit cynical, but it's probably true.  Whether we work at a big job or stay at home, we don't entirely know what would have been the perfect choice at the time.  My mom had a big career, and I always admired her (and still do).  OTOH, I also really missed her.  My mom so greatly enjoys being a doting grandmother, perhaps because she wasn't able to do this with my brother and I when we were kids.  I have also chosen to be a working mom with a big job.

When I waffle about whether to become a SAHM, I also know that's not perfect either.  I recall sitting at a nice brunch at a beautiful resort in Key Biscayne a few years ago and overhearing a bunch of 40-something women who were there for a girls' reunion weekend.  They were all complaining about how they didn't respect their moms for being SAHMs.  It seemed so ungrateful to me.  [/quote]

I don't think the first PP sounds cynical at all -- just realistic and aware that there's no pure play.  Every family is different -- and within any family, every kid is different.  Like the second PP, I had a mom with a big job and have mixed feelings about our relationship.  I'm proud of her accomplishments, but also missed spending time with her while I was growing up.  We had grandparents and aunts nearby, and a great nanny, but I wanted more of my mom's counsel and companionship.  Of my three sisters, one also felt that way and the other two were really fine about it.

Because I feel I would have benefited from having a parent on the scene more and because I wanted my "self-care" time,  I chose to work PT, starting when my oldest was 2.  Also, I didn't want a FT nanny or au pair -- it just felt like more work to manage that relationship.  And, most important, I felt my guidance of our kids would be different from that of even the best caregiver.

Of course, I couldn't have made this choice if we hadn't been very fortunate financially, but, beyond that, I couldn't have done it without my husband's complete agreement that it was right for our family.  Our youngest is now in HS and older kids are in college.  DH has always appreciated my contribution, while at the same time doing a lot of hands-on parenting.  Did I go to more school and sports stuff?  Sure, but he went to plenty.  (And, even on weekends, we missed some of these events -- with three kids that's inevitable.)

How do our kids see us?  I know they appreciate us as parents and we have a close family relationship.  If and when they become parents, I hope they'll understand that we tried to make our choices based on how we perceived their best interests and with love for one another.  I hope they'll forgive us for all the mistakes we made -- as all parents inevitably make mistakes.  And, I hope they'll venture forward as parents with love in their hearts, a sense of humor, and faith that the right choices will outnumber the mistakes.

One more thing -- I have given my sons the same advice I've given my daughter -- be prepared to be the primary earner, but also be willing to consider being the primary parent.   You never know what life will bring you.    [/quote]

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