How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Why don’t you ask a Big Law father that?

Or a senator who is also a dad?

Or the current or former president? Or the two presidents before them?

Or heart surgeon dads?

Oh, because you’re a sexist, ignorant arse. That’s why.

People do.

Don't you see fathers at these events? It's not the 1950s anymore. Men can't just show up at dinner time and expect a martini at the door anymore.

My DH has a "big" job and he cuts out for school events all the time.

Only sexist, ignorant asses like yourself ASSume those questions are meant solely for women when they clearly apply to both sexes.

[Anonymous]

I have a medium-level job, but just want to be another post telling the sexist sanct-imommies to go to hell. Let's support one another! And yes, love the idea of having your kids help pick what they most want to you attend, and if you have a spouse, share that burden.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be 100% honest and say maybe what others aren't saying: my kids didn't give one care if dad was there for the event.

All the pressure fell on me because *I* was the one they wanted there the most. Is DH a bad dad? No. Was he a disinterested dad or absent dad? No. But when an event was announced, they were excited to have mom there and dad was just an afterthought. Kind of like, mom HAS to be there and oh, of course dad will be there.

This went for school plays, field trips, and sports practices/games as well. Were they happy when DH was there? Sure. But did they cry and lay on the guilt trip if he couldn't make it? No. "That's okay, you can see the video!" But if I was even late to something, OMG, it was like the end of the world with them! And the guilt!

It definitely wasn't one of those situations where they wanted me there for the artsy stuff and DH there for the sports stuff. I'm the least athletic person and know next to zero about sports (I still just cheer when the parents around me cheer). It was just about wanting their mom there to see them do ____.

And the weird thing is, I remember being the same way. Meh if my dad came, but I felt like the biggest loser among my friends if I was one of the few there without a mom present.

[Anonymous]

Read Laura Vanderkam - her book, I Know How She Does It, and new podcast.

I was a SAHM mom for years and I rarely went to camp performances and I never would have gone to hang out at a practice. You really don't need to hit everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be 100% honest and say maybe what others aren't saying: my kids didn't give one care if dad was there for the event.

All the pressure fell on me because *I* was the one they wanted there the most. Is DH a bad dad? No. Was he a disinterested dad or absent dad? No. But when an event was announced, they were excited to have mom there and dad was just an afterthought. Kind of like, mom HAS to be there and oh, of course dad will be there.

This went for school plays, field trips, and sports practices/games as well. Were they happy when DH was there? Sure. But did they cry and lay on the guilt trip if he couldn't make it? No. "That's okay, you can see the video!" But if I was even late to something, OMG, it was like the end of the world with them! And the guilt!

It definitely wasn't one of those situations where they wanted me there for the artsy stuff and DH there for the sports stuff. I'm the least athletic person and know next to zero about sports (I still just cheer when the parents around me cheer). It was just about wanting their mom there to see them do ____.

And the weird thing is, I remember being the same way. Meh if my dad came, but I felt like the biggest loser among my friends if I was one of the few there without a mom present.

I don't know what to say except this situation is not at all universal. I had two WOH parents in a community with almost all SAHMs. I loved it if either parent could come to a game (they usually both made it to performances). I had almost no expectation that my dad ever would, though. My mom tried to make a couple a season plus host a team dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be 100% honest and say maybe what others aren't saying: my kids didn't give one care if dad was there for the event.

All the pressure fell on me because *I* was the one they wanted there the most. Is DH a bad dad? No. Was he a disinterested dad or absent dad? No. But when an event was announced, they were excited to have mom there and dad was just an afterthought. Kind of like, mom HAS to be there and oh, of course dad will be there.

This went for school plays, field trips, and sports practices/games as well. Were they happy when DH was there? Sure. But did they cry and lay on the guilt trip if he couldn't make it? No. "That's okay, you can see the video!" But if I was even late to something, OMG, it was like the end of the world with them! And the guilt!

It definitely wasn't one of those situations where they wanted me there for the artsy stuff and DH there for the sports stuff. I'm the least athletic person and know next to zero about sports (I still just cheer when the parents around me cheer). It was just about wanting their mom there to see them do ____.

And the weird thing is, I remember being the same way. Meh if my dad came, but I felt like the biggest loser among my friends if I was one of the few there without a mom present.

I'm assuming you live somewhere where it's the norm for moms to SAH? Because I live in a community where most moms and dad work, and this is not true for my experience. My kid is equally happy if mom OR dad can come (we both work demanding but somewhat flexible jobs). Actually, she's probably especially happy if my husband can make it (huge daddy's girl).

I'm not doubting your experience, I'm just saying it's definitely not universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a medium-level job, but just want to be another post telling the sexist sanct-imommies to go to hell. Let's support one another! And yes, love the idea of having your kids help pick what they most want to you attend, and if you have a spouse, share that burden.

Oh, FFS. How about we own our choices and the trade-offs that come with them? I'm not a sexist and I'm not a "sanctimommy" (but speaking of sexism...), I'm just fed up with people not owning the decisions they make. If "having it all means" being wealthy, fit, and spending lots of time with our children and our partner, then usually something has to give. That's *okay*. It's life. Choose the life that best fits you and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Good grief, you're so narrow minded and your lack of bond has nothing to do with whether she worked outside the home or not. My mom was a SAHM and I don't have a strong bond with her because she fell into a huge depression and wouldn't bother to give me the time of day. Her depression, BTW was triggered by being "stuck" at home, according to her.

My example is making the point that there are great SAHMs and WOHMs moms and bad SAHMs and WOHMs moms. Don't put the fact that your mom was not a good mom on whether she worked outside the home or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be 100% honest and say maybe what others aren't saying: my kids didn't give one care if dad was there for the event.

All the pressure fell on me because *I* was the one they wanted there the most. Is DH a bad dad? No. Was he a disinterested dad or absent dad? No. But when an event was announced, they were excited to have mom there and dad was just an afterthought. Kind of like, mom HAS to be there and oh, of course dad will be there.

This went for school plays, field trips, and sports practices/games as well. Were they happy when DH was there? Sure. But did they cry and lay on the guilt trip if he couldn't make it? No. "That's okay, you can see the video!" But if I was even late to something, OMG, it was like the end of the world with them! And the guilt!

It definitely wasn't one of those situations where they wanted me there for the artsy stuff and DH there for the sports stuff. I'm the least athletic person and know next to zero about sports (I still just cheer when the parents around me cheer). It was just about wanting their mom there to see them do ____.

And the weird thing is, I remember being the same way. Meh if my dad came, but I felt like the biggest loser among my friends if I was one of the few there without a mom present.

Kids learn behaviors and expectations. It's not innate. your kids feel this way because probably from a very very young age, you were the one going to the "mommy and me" classes, the 2-year old gymnastic/dance/sport whatchamacallit things, the gymboree classes. Whatever it was, my guess is that YOU were the one that did those things while your kids were really young. You thought it didn't matter, but what it did was set up the expectation that you are the default parent that attends these things and Dad is a bonus if he comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a medium-level job, but just want to be another post telling the sexist sanct-imommies to go to hell. Let's support one another! And yes, love the idea of having your kids help pick what they most want to you attend, and if you have a spouse, share that burden.

Oh, FFS. How about we own our choices and the trade-offs that come with them? I'm not a sexist and I'm not a "sanctimommy" (but speaking of sexism...), I'm just fed up with people not owning the decisions they make. If "having it all means" being wealthy, fit, and spending lots of time with our children and our partner, then usually something has to give. That's *okay*. It's life. Choose the life that best fits you and go from there.

What are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

My parents came here as immigrants and they didn't have "big careers" rather they had multiple jobs at the same time. That sucked all of their time away from home. I grew up doing a ton of chores, understanding about priorities, and responsibilities. They couldn't afford to outsource and I didn't have family nearby to help. I find it hard to understand these "why have kids if you are going to work all the time" posts. They are comfortably MC now and I turned out pretty OK too and we have a great relationship to boot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, my work has to be done regardless, and everything else is somewhat negotiable. Back to school time has thrown a million events my way that are making things so hard. I have kids at two different schools and have no less than seven events during work hours over a 2.5 week period. This stuff is so hard for me, but I have to go, and so I will make it work.

Where that leaves me is the more negotiable other stuff. The first rec soccer practice that normally I'd try to attend and I know a ton of parents will be there, and my kid will be upset that he is one of the only ones (maybe the only one) with a nanny there instead of mom. Or Friday's camp performance, same deal. I could technically make this stuff work, but I get such little sleep as it is and I just don't know where to draw the line. I am feeling mom guilt in the biggest way right now. I don't know how everyone does it. If I go to the performance and soccer practice and whatever else comes up, that time will truly come out of my sleep, which already hovers around 5-6 hrs/night (because I will have to work late(r) at night to make up for it).

we left a private K-12 due to logistics - the waste of time drop offs and pick ups and two kids' schedules were not with it. When the gifted athletic kid got a nutso morning coaching schedule - that she loves, and I don't mind working out then too - we went to MCPS ES. It was fine and we just supplement around the edges, got an Au Pair and have a much easier time with those 1-2 hours back each day from all 4 of us having commutes (to private school or offices).

I zip out from work, and if I travel my husband does most of the other stuff though would never leave for a 2pm soccer practice. kid has to suck it up and see nanny and little sister there. and of course we have a web of fellow soccer moms and neighborhood moms (another plus of local school, not private) to fill in if I'm traveling or my spouse and both kids need to be somewhere.

food - blue apron, batch cooking, frozen food already made. grocery delivery during week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Geez. The woman has to support her children. So did your mom too, I'm guessing. Get therapy and stop blaming your mom for not being supermom.

What about dad? Just swing in for dinner and night games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, my work has to be done regardless, and everything else is somewhat negotiable. Back to school time has thrown a million events my way that are making things so hard. I have kids at two different schools and have no less than seven events during work hours over a 2.5 week period. This stuff is so hard for me, but I have to go, and so I will make it work.

Where that leaves me is the more negotiable other stuff. The first rec soccer practice that normally I'd try to attend and I know a ton of parents will be there, and my kid will be upset that he is one of the only ones (maybe the only one) with a nanny there instead of mom. Or Friday's camp performance, same deal. I could technically make this stuff work, but I get such little sleep as it is and I just don't know where to draw the line. I am feeling mom guilt in the biggest way right now. I don't know how everyone does it. If I go to the performance and soccer practice and whatever else comes up, that time will truly come out of my sleep, which already hovers around 5-6 hrs/night (because I will have to work late(r) at night to make up for it).

Everyone doesn't do it. There is no such thing as a perfect balance. Let go of the romantic, fake ideal that you have painted in your head and just live your real life.