How do moms with "big careers" successfully find a balance between kid stuff and self care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Laura Vanderkam - her book, I Know How She Does It, and new podcast.

I was a SAHM mom for years and I rarely went to camp performances and I never would have gone to hang out at a practice. You really don't need to hit everything.

+1. The best if both worlds podcast really helps me.

I just started to listening to this podcast - it is great

Everything about the podcast and her blogs should be up my alley, but LV is just like nails on chalkboard. Her books are much better because her tone is edited out of most them. I'm a big SHU fan, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

You can work and still make your children the priority. Millions of us do it.

People are too quick to slap "priority" on anything related to the children. If my son or daughter gets seriously ill, I'm gonna be there. But if there's a recital or game or stupid birthday party and mama has to go to Jakarta or Nairobi on a short notice? Mama's getting on the plane. No question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

You can work and still make your children the priority. Millions of us do it.

People are too quick to slap "priority" on anything related to the children. If my son or daughter gets seriously ill, I'm gonna be there. But if there's a recital or game or stupid birthday party and mama has to go to Jakarta or Nairobi on a short notice? Mama's getting on the plane. No question.

I hope you're not talking about your kid's stupid bday party. For me, the answer would be if my work asked me to go on a business trip that clashed with my kid's bday party, my response would be why was it short notice and if there is someone else that can go who doesn't have other obligations. You don't have to say yes to everything right away. At the end of the day a job should understand that. If they dont, then honest to God, it's a sucky company regardless of what you would like to think. Your career and company aint everything.

[Anonymous]

As a father of three girls, five women with kids working for him and a stay at home wife and a widowed Mom who raised us kids on her own after Dad died and went back to work I get it.

However, the Moms who want to do it all with non-supportive husbands get a bit annoying.

I have women with multiple kids with with husbands with even bigger careers who put me in the awkward position of not always being able to say yes to their every whim to come in last or leave early, work from home, cover for husband for home repairs cause they wont take off.

At one point I almost felt like they should pay my wife who has to pick up kids, go to school events alone, do homework with kids cause I cant be there. I have to fight to leave work remotely on time.

I also end up being their emotional support. It is a lot of drama.

[Anonymous]

BTW men with big careers are not always lean in types. My buddy who was a big four Partner making 500K a year in NY in early 40s married a super super hot ex-stripper. To him that was his status. She is 12 years younger, a stay at home mom, works out, keeps fit, he comes home she has a cold drink and dinner ready

Women with big careers look for men with big careers that does not always work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

And this is part of the reason women have such guilt- generally and because people like you do not once mention the father

I quit my job to be there gor my kids and also to care gor other family members that needed help for medicallisdues. This poster is a class A asswipe and I hope is not spending too much time raising children because s/he would screw them up and raise self-righteous, judgemental kids. We don’t need any more of those.

To the OP—try to give yourself a break. We are all doing the best we can and if we do it with love, thoughtfulness, and care our kids will be alright. My kids have friends whose Moms sometimes miss things but the kids are great and get it. If you sacrifice sleep and wind up snapping at your kids, that’s not good. I don’t get paid for what I do but caring for folks w/special needs leaves little time for self care. I’ve learned the hard way—you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help your kids. Try that and let go of the guilt. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

I'm the breadwinner in my family and I am very upfront that my job comes first. Yes it does. I don't ask myself what to do if a work obligation or travel commitment conflicts with a performance or a recital. Would this fucck my kids up? It may, or may not. But losing the house, going hungry and getting deported would fucck them up even more so I pick the lesser of evils and feel completely comfortable about it.

The other option - Don't put yourself in the position where you have to put a job over your children.

Umm, what? How exactly does that work - does money just fall from a tree in your yard? I know of no families where neither parent work.

You can work and still make your children the priority. Millions of us do it.

NP here- I have a very demanding job and I do bend over backwards and say yes to my job in a lot of ways. I've had to cancel last minute plans with friends or even missed some events at my kid's school but NO way do I always say Yes to work . There's a line to be drawn and at some point, you have to say no to work especially when they're asking you to do dumb crap. If you're always saying yes, trust me, they will expect that you will always say yes and you will get taken for granted. Been there done that, and never again. If a job is always taking your time away from your loved ones, family- then it's time to move on to another job that respects that you have a life outside of work. Bottom line, life is too short.

Thread winner right here. Corporations will take and take and take it's up to you to draw the line. I don;t know why people put up with the working 50, 60+ hours always connected bs. It's not worth it. regardless you have the power in your life to say no to corporate and to say no to stupid school stuff too. P.S. It's not selfish to put yourself first you have to for your own sanity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sexism on this thread is astounding.

Astounding.

Starting with the thread title. How do men with “big careers” (whatever that is?) make it work?

Well, for one, the men usually have a supporting spouse at home.

True story. My mom was a senior VP in a Fortune 500 company. She was the only woman in the senior leadership. She was at a late meeting one day with other senior leaders. It was about 8 or 9 pm. As they 6-7 of them were walking out the door, one man turned to my mom and said something like "Wow, I'm hungry. I hope Larla has something good ready for dinner tonight when I get home! What about you?" My mom, without missing a beat, said "When I get home I'm making a good dinner. I'm sure Laslo is looking forward to it!" The speaker and the other men were completely nonplussed. All of them had spouses who were SAH and who waited on them hand and foot. This was in the 2000s.

Gender roles are hard to break. On the other hand, the loud and prolonged sound that you heard in the 90s was of the glass breaking as my mom clawed her way to the top, using her hammer to chip a hole in the ceiling so that she and other women could climb through. And my dad was right there with her boosting her in any way he could, just like she boosted him earlier in his career.

That's fine...and good for your mom. Mine was similar.

But the most heart-warming thing I ever heard at a Fortune 50 company I used to work for was a senior executive walking out of a meeting and waiting for the elevator (in the building I worked in, but he was coming from another location). Someone else asked him whether he was going for the dinner that was planned. His response, "Probably, but first I've got a couple kids to Facetime before they go to bed." At that same company, I literally said on the phone that I couldn't present to a senior VP at the time I was asked to because of my infant's feeding schedule. Without missing a beat, they rescheduled my presentation. And on that project, the executive in charge ranked my contribution one of the best he had encountered.

I guess what i'm saying is that big jobs can go both ways. You definitely should not feel like you have to be at every single event in your kids' lives. By the same token, employers who are interested in the long haul recognize employees are human and want them to feel like they can be parents and spouses and children of elderly parents at the same time that they are employees.

[Anonymous]

My mom had a "big career," and my dad was a SAHD.

My mom's colleagues literally didn't know she had children, and my teachers in school genuinely thought my mom had DIED. I was constantly correcting them. One teacher didn't believe me and thought I had mental health issues, and contacted my Dad (this was the early 90s).

My mom never showed up for anything, ever. Is what I want for my children? No. But as an adult I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, I love her deeply, and I know she was working as hard as she was at something she loved, breaking glass ceilings as she went. And through it all she provided for me and my family financially.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. Have your spouse do more. Miss some things. It wont' be the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, my work has to be done regardless, and everything else is somewhat negotiable. Back to school time has thrown a million events my way that are making things so hard. I have kids at two different schools and have no less than seven events during work hours over a 2.5 week period. This stuff is so hard for me, but I have to go, and so I will make it work.

Where that leaves me is the more negotiable other stuff. The first rec soccer practice that normally I'd try to attend and I know a ton of parents will be there, and my kid will be upset that he is one of the only ones (maybe the only one) with a nanny there instead of mom. Or Friday's camp performance, same deal. I could technically make this stuff work, but I get such little sleep as it is and I just don't know where to draw the line. I am feeling mom guilt in the biggest way right now. I don't know how everyone does it. If I go to the performance and soccer practice and whatever else comes up, that time will truly come out of my sleep, which already hovers around 5-6 hrs/night (because I will have to work late(r) at night to make up for it).

"Everyone" DOESN'T do it. Stop kidding yourselves, people. No one is supermom. Or superdad. But lots of people try to pretend they have it all. They don't. Believe me. When I was a nanny, the mother would take the pictures that I shared of her child, and post them on Facebook pretending that she was doing fun things with her child that weekend. It's really quite sad. Most of everything gets outsourced, especially the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Laura Vanderkam - her book, I Know How She Does It, and new podcast.

I was a SAHM mom for years and I rarely went to camp performances and I never would have gone to hang out at a practice. You really don't need to hit everything.

+1. The best if both worlds podcast really helps me.

I just started to listening to this podcast - it is great

Everything about the podcast and her blogs should be up my alley, but LV is just like nails on chalkboard. Her books are much better because her tone is edited out of most them. I'm a big SHU fan, though.

Oh my god, are you me? LV is just awful and so judgy! Sometimes I feel like sending Sarah an email saying girl, you can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Laura Vanderkam - her book, I Know How She Does It, and new podcast.

I was a SAHM mom for years and I rarely went to camp performances and I never would have gone to hang out at a practice. You really don't need to hit everything.

+1. The best if both worlds podcast really helps me.

I just started to listening to this podcast - it is great

Everything about the podcast and her blogs should be up my alley, but LV is just like nails on chalkboard. Her books are much better because her tone is edited out of most them. I'm a big SHU fan, though.

Oh my god, are you me? LV is just awful and so judgy! Sometimes I feel like sending Sarah an email saying girl, you can do better.

I agree with you. I gave two a try and had to unplug. Not helpful.

[Anonymous]

No such balance exists. Just some of everything and not enough of anything. But you do your best, and you convince yourself it is balanced enough and no harm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Laura Vanderkam - her book, I Know How She Does It, and new podcast.

I was a SAHM mom for years and I rarely went to camp performances and I never would have gone to hang out at a practice. You really don't need to hit everything.

+1. The best if both worlds podcast really helps me.

I just started to listening to this podcast - it is great

Everything about the podcast and her blogs should be up my alley, but LV is just like nails on chalkboard. Her books are much better because her tone is edited out of most them. I'm a big SHU fan, though.

Oh my god, are you me? LV is just awful and so judgy! Sometimes I feel like sending Sarah an email saying girl, you can do better.

Wow, I feel the total opposite. Sarah and her singsongy voice drives me nuts. But maybe it's because Laura is lot more like me--she cuts to the chase!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, my work has to be done regardless, and everything else is somewhat negotiable. Back to school time has thrown a million events my way that are making things so hard. I have kids at two different schools and have no less than seven events during work hours over a 2.5 week period. This stuff is so hard for me, but I have to go, and so I will make it work.

Where that leaves me is the more negotiable other stuff. The first rec soccer practice that normally I'd try to attend and I know a ton of parents will be there, and my kid will be upset that he is one of the only ones (maybe the only one) with a nanny there instead of mom. Or Friday's camp performance, same deal. I could technically make this stuff work, but I get such little sleep as it is and I just don't know where to draw the line. I am feeling mom guilt in the biggest way right now. I don't know how everyone does it. If I go to the performance and soccer practice and whatever else comes up, that time will truly come out of my sleep, which already hovers around 5-6 hrs/night (because I will have to work late(r) at night to make up for it).

There are only so many hours in the day. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect to magically make more hours in the day. Maybe you can get a back office or less demanding job where you are.