Is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" a year after divorce plausible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I was married ten years. We got divorced, and I tried dating a year into it. I couldn't feel anything. Two years passed and it was more of the same. I'd say it took at least three or four years before I actually felt something romantic or emotional for someone else. He may be telling the truth. It doesn't sound like you want the same thing whether he's lying or not. Do you really want to wait around for him to start feeling stuff or become serious with you out of a sense of obligation? Move on.

Op here. So, curious. Did you date and sleep with women even though you didn't feel anything emotionally? Or were you celibate or what?

Some yes, some no. The first woman knew up front how I felt. She was coming out of a long relationship herself, so we had a lot of good conversations about having a wall up and the fallout after a breakup. We spent a lot of time together, and she was of the mind that we still had needs whether the feelings were all there or not.

A few after her were very straightforward and wanted to have sex on the first or second date before any normal person would expect romantic feelings or attachment. Some were looking for commitment or were a part of the "the next man I give myself to will be my husband" brigade. I'm always honest and respectful of that even when hormones get the best of them, and they want to pretend to see feelings that aren't there in order to justify it. I have sisters and a daughter, so I strive for good karma. FWBs are too easy to come by for me to screw with someone's heart like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I was married ten years. We got divorced, and I tried dating a year into it. I couldn't feel anything. Two years passed and it was more of the same. I'd say it took at least three or four years before I actually felt something romantic or emotional for someone else. He may be telling the truth. It doesn't sound like you want the same thing whether he's lying or not. Do you really want to wait around for him to start feeling stuff or become serious with you out of a sense of obligation? Move on.

Op here. So, curious. Did you date and sleep with women even though you didn't feel anything emotionally? Or were you celibate or what?

Some yes, some no. The first woman knew up front how I felt. She was coming out of a long relationship herself, so we had a lot of good conversations about having a wall up and the fallout after a breakup. We spent a lot of time together, and she was of the mind that we still had needs whether the feelings were all there or not.

A few after her were very straightforward and wanted to have sex on the first or second date before any normal person would expect romantic feelings or attachment. Some were looking for commitment or were a part of the "the next man I give myself to will be my husband" brigade. I'm always honest and respectful of that even when hormones get the best of them, and they want to pretend to see feelings that aren't there in order to justify it. I have sisters and a daughter, so I strive for good karma. FWBs are too easy to come by for me to screw with someone's heart like that.

Op here. So you weren't like "I am not ready for a relationship, so I am not going to date and therefore I won't be having sex with anyone." Rather, you were like, "I'm not ready for a relationship, but I am still going to date because I want to have sex." Is the second option the case? If so, what did that look like? Did you date multiple women, go on dating apps? Date women long term but make clear it wasn't serious? Only date people a few times....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I was married ten years. We got divorced, and I tried dating a year into it. I couldn't feel anything. Two years passed and it was more of the same. I'd say it took at least three or four years before I actually felt something romantic or emotional for someone else. He may be telling the truth. It doesn't sound like you want the same thing whether he's lying or not. Do you really want to wait around for him to start feeling stuff or become serious with you out of a sense of obligation? Move on.

Op here. So, curious. Did you date and sleep with women even though you didn't feel anything emotionally? Or were you celibate or what?

Some yes, some no. The first woman knew up front how I felt. She was coming out of a long relationship herself, so we had a lot of good conversations about having a wall up and the fallout after a breakup. We spent a lot of time together, and she was of the mind that we still had needs whether the feelings were all there or not.

A few after her were very straightforward and wanted to have sex on the first or second date before any normal person would expect romantic feelings or attachment. Some were looking for commitment or were a part of the "the next man I give myself to will be my husband" brigade. I'm always honest and respectful of that even when hormones get the best of them, and they want to pretend to see feelings that aren't there in order to justify it. I have sisters and a daughter, so I strive for good karma. FWBs are too easy to come by for me to screw with someone's heart like that.

Op here. So you weren't like "I am not ready for a relationship, so I am not going to date and therefore I won't be having sex with anyone." Rather, you were like, "I'm not ready for a relationship, but I am still going to date because I want to have sex." Is the second option the case? If so, what did that look like? Did you date multiple women, go on dating apps? Date women long term but make clear it wasn't serious? Only date people a few times....?

Neither. I didn't know that I wasn't ready. A whole year had passed. We didn't make it through a full session of marriage counseling, but I kept going to the woman on my own for some reason. After a year, she suggested I slowly try and get back out there. The first woman seemed like a safe bet because she was going through the same stuff I was. We didn't have sex for two months.

After that ended, I didn't date anyone else for about six months. I had an OKCupid account but hadn't messaged anybody. I was mostly there to see what was available. A woman sent me a message. I recognized her because she used to live in my old building. We joked about the situation and agreed to go out. On our second date, I realized there was no chemistry. She invited me back to her place and it was clear where it was headed. I told her that we shouldn't because I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship and didn't want to just have sex and go. She told me that my ego was too high for me to assume she wanted me for anything more than sex. We went back to her place and that was that.

I took the mentality of keeping myself open to dating if the right person came along. I never used dating as a means of having sex though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's plausible. He was married 20 years!

And may never be ready. And if you pressure him, he will drop you.

All the more reason not to waste any more time on this guy. Say sayonara!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I was married ten years. We got divorced, and I tried dating a year into it. I couldn't feel anything. Two years passed and it was more of the same. I'd say it took at least three or four years before I actually felt something romantic or emotional for someone else. He may be telling the truth. It doesn't sound like you want the same thing whether he's lying or not. Do you really want to wait around for him to start feeling stuff or become serious with you out of a sense of obligation? Move on.

Op here. So, curious. Did you date and sleep with women even though you didn't feel anything emotionally? Or were you celibate or what?

Some yes, some no. The first woman knew up front how I felt. She was coming out of a long relationship herself, so we had a lot of good conversations about having a wall up and the fallout after a breakup. We spent a lot of time together, and she was of the mind that we still had needs whether the feelings were all there or not.

A few after her were very straightforward and wanted to have sex on the first or second date before any normal person would expect romantic feelings or attachment. Some were looking for commitment or were a part of the "the next man I give myself to will be my husband" brigade. I'm always honest and respectful of that even when hormones get the best of them, and they want to pretend to see feelings that aren't there in order to justify it. I have sisters and a daughter, so I strive for good karma. FWBs are too easy to come by for me to screw with someone's heart like that.

Op here. So you weren't like "I am not ready for a relationship, so I am not going to date and therefore I won't be having sex with anyone." Rather, you were like, "I'm not ready for a relationship, but I am still going to date because I want to have sex." Is the second option the case? If so, what did that look like? Did you date multiple women, go on dating apps? Date women long term but make clear it wasn't serious? Only date people a few times....?

Neither. I didn't know that I wasn't ready. A whole year had passed. We didn't make it through a full session of marriage counseling, but I kept going to the woman on my own for some reason. After a year, she suggested I slowly try and get back out there. The first woman seemed like a safe bet because she was going through the same stuff I was. We didn't have sex for two months.

After that ended, I didn't date anyone else for about six months. I had an OKCupid account but hadn't messaged anybody. I was mostly there to see what was available. A woman sent me a message. I recognized her because she used to live in my old building. We joked about the situation and agreed to go out. On our second date, I realized there was no chemistry. She invited me back to her place and it was clear where it was headed. I told her that we shouldn't because I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship and didn't want to just have sex and go. She told me that my ego was too high for me to assume she wanted me for anything more than sex. We went back to her place and that was that.

I took the mentality of keeping myself open to dating if the right person came along. I never used dating as a means of having sex though.

Op here. Well that sounds like a decent way to handle things. I just now have this image / fear of divorced guys using dating apps to casually date and sleep with tons of different women while not commiting to anyone and worst case not being sincere about their desire to keep things casual because they want to have sex. I just don't want to get mixed up in that dynamic but so many of the available guys are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Op again. And for the record, I don't think a mans ego is high if he assumes a woman is going to want more than just sex. That's a pretty safe assumption most of the time, that women are looking for relationships rather than nsa sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And for the record, I don't think a mans ego is high if he assumes a woman is going to want more than just sex. That's a pretty safe assumption most of the time, that women are looking for relationships rather than nsa sex.

If a woman is sexy enough (and sex appeal includes being pleasant to be around) a man will want a relationship even if he's amputated by the failure of a marriage. Not many women have the genetics or the work effort it takes to do the things men like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And for the record, I don't think a mans ego is high if he assumes a woman is going to want more than just sex. That's a pretty safe assumption most of the time, that women are looking for relationships rather than nsa sex.

If a woman is sexy enough (and sex appeal includes being pleasant to be around) a man will want a relationship even if he's amputated by the failure of a marriage. Not many women have the genetics or the work effort it takes to do the things men like.

Sorry. This is so not true. A woman can have everything you’ve named, but if she’s missing the “X” factor it won’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Op is tiresome. Do him a favor op. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And for the record, I don't think a mans ego is high if he assumes a woman is going to want more than just sex. That's a pretty safe assumption most of the time, that women are looking for relationships rather than nsa sex.

If a woman is sexy enough (and sex appeal includes being pleasant to be around) a man will want a relationship even if he's amputated by the failure of a marriage. Not many women have the genetics or the work effort it takes to do the things men like.

If a woman is sexy enough, a man will want to have sex with her. In our society, that doesn’t require a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Op here. In thinking about the timing - if you add in the separation time, it's been about two years. I think. I didn't want to quiz him too specifically.

For god’s sake woman - he told you what he thought. Absorb and process what he told you , don’t poll the universe for their opinion. You are being super dense.

If I was recently divorced and had teens I wouldn’t consider anything serious for another 10 + years. First you have to process what went wrong and how you might prevent that from happening again. You might not be up for drama again -,maybe ever. Then there’s the teens - DH and I are stressed all the time due to their antics and mood - I’m surprised he has any energy for you at all. Then there are their college educations to fund and anything you might need or want is not going to factor in at all until they are done with college.

Back away from the man, lady. You can’t hive him his space and thus don’t have the right attitude to be with him.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Re the post above, I'm not just asking because of him. I'm asking because I'm trying to figure out who to do and how to deal with that. A ton of guys in the satin pool are divorced. I'm not going to try to push this guy into anything. We have plans to see each other again the next time he doesn't have custody and I will probably break it off then. But as someone who has never been married, I'm interested to get others' insights. Because you do see people who get into good relationships after divorce, so I'm reluctant to write them all off. But I've dated three divorced dads and they've all turned out to go nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Uh, that should say who to date not who to do!

[Anonymous]

OP, Whats your age difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Re the post above, I'm not just asking because of him. I'm asking because I'm trying to figure out who to do and how to deal with that. A ton of guys in the satin pool are divorced. I'm not going to try to push this guy into anything. We have plans to see each other again the next time he doesn't have custody and I will probably break it off then. But as someone who has never been married, I'm interested to get others' insights. Because you do see people who get into good relationships after divorce, so I'm reluctant to write them all off. But I've dated three divorced dads and they've all turned out to go nowhere.

Looks like you pick unavailable men for whatever reason. Something attracts you to them.
As for divorce baggage. I was done before I actually filed. 15 years, kids. My ex is not my family. Not everyone gets stuck on the past.