Is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" a year after divorce plausible?

[Anonymous]

Guy has been divorced a little over a year. Separated for a bit before that. Two kids, twenty years of marriage. Wife initiated divorce.

He's dating (we have been dating about a month) but told me he's not ready for a serious relationship. Is he just not that into me, or is it plausible that this soon after a divorce he's not ready for anything serious, but could still like me and not just be a player?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids?

Teenagers

[Anonymous]

Yes very possible he’s not ready. It takes a long time to emotionally adjust after such a huge life change. It’s much better that he’s honest and upfront about it with you. He needs time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Op here. In thinking about the timing - if you add in the separation time, it's been about two years. I think. I didn't want to quiz him too specifically.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's plausible. He was married 20 years!

[Anonymous]

I’m 3 yrs out after 20 yrs. I’m not ready for anything serious. I’m still trying to figure out what makes me happy. I’m female BTW.

[Anonymous]

I am 3 years out and am finally ready for a relationship. I was with the same person for 18 yrs.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Ok. Hmm. Well, what do I do with this? Tell him to call me if he gets to the point where he does actually want a relationship ship? Keep dating him and hope he changes his feelings about being ready for a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok. Hmm. Well, what do I do with this? Tell him to call me if he gets to the point where he does actually want a relationship ship? Keep dating him and hope he changes his feelings about being ready for a relationship?

What do you want?

I definitely wouldn’t do the latter.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced person myself you really can’t put a timeline on anything. Especially with kids, it makes things exponentially more complicated. I also think that you can say one thing until you’re blue in the face but if your heart is really feeling someone it’s very hard to override that.

I mean, he’s obviously interested if he’s still going out with you and keeping in regular contact. If you really like him and you’re having fun, don’t worry so much about the label.

[Anonymous]

I could believe it. I could see with teenagers that if you only have a few more years before they go off to college/move out, if you are only divorced for a year, why would you want to look at being serious enough to merge households/living with someone/remarrying unless you were going to have kids together. Otherwise, just wait the few years. Also 20 years with one person is a long time.

It’s good that he was upfront early on in the relationship - either he isn’t ready or he isn’t really ready to be serious with you - either way better you know now than get in too deep with feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok. Hmm. Well, what do I do with this? Tell him to call me if he gets to the point where he does actually want a relationship ship? Keep dating him and hope he changes his feelings about being ready for a relationship?

No. You be the adult that he is being and tell him you’re looking for someone who does want a serious relationship right now and move on. You’re at different stages in life.

[Anonymous]

Listen to what he is saying and quit trying to parse it and analyze it and dissect it. If he says he isn't ready, believe him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok. Hmm. Well, what do I do with this? Tell him to call me if he gets to the point where he does actually want a relationship ship? Keep dating him and hope he changes his feelings about being ready for a relationship?

No. You be the adult that he is being and tell him you’re looking for someone who does want a serious relationship right now and move on. You’re at different stages in life.

+1