Is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" a year after divorce plausible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's plausible. He was married 20 years!

And may never be ready. And if you pressure him, he will drop you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah, my comment about looks comparison was irrelevant.

All this is really making me re think dating guys who are divorced, period. Especially the ones who have been married for so long and basically grew up with someone. It feels almost like I am dating someone else's husband. I only started being willing to date divorced guys a year ago and now I'm thinking I should stop. I want a serious relationship and if so many divorced people don't or or possibly hung up on their ex wives, maybe I am wasting my time.

Probably. These people are always going to come with baggage and sounds like you're not up to dealing with the baggage. No harm no foul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah, my comment about looks comparison was irrelevant.

All this is really making me re think dating guys who are divorced, period. Especially the ones who have been married for so long and basically grew up with someone. It feels almost like I am dating someone else's husband. I only started being willing to date divorced guys a year ago and now I'm thinking I should stop. I want a serious relationship and if so many divorced people don't or or possibly hung up on their ex wives, maybe I am wasting my time.

Probably. These people are always going to come with baggage and sounds like you're not up to dealing with the baggage. No harm no foul.

Op here. Well, I'd be up for it if any of them said, and acted like, they were ready to be in a full, healthy relationship ship with me. I think being married and or being a dad can be a growing experience for a man and that has some positives. But I've dated three divorced dads now. Their divorced dates ranged from a year previous to three years previous to meeting me. As it turned out all they wanted was casual dating. Or at least that's all they wanted with me. I know people talk about guys not wanting to commit, but I honestly really have not encountered that issue with guys who haven't been married yet. Plenty of other guys have wanted to be in serious relationships with me.

[Anonymous]

OP have you ever been married before? Marriages that end in divorce, particularly long-term marriages, come with a unique disengaging process. Even though the ink on the decree says you are done, there is still the process of spiritual disentanglement. Try as one may to deny it, but it is a very real process and it can take years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever been married before? Marriages that end in divorce, particularly long-term marriages, come with a unique disengaging process. Even though the ink on the decree says you are done, there is still the process of spiritual disentanglement. Try as one may to deny it, but it is a very real process and it can take years.

Op here. Thanks, no, I haven't. And none of the friends I was out with and discussing it have not either. They were all, that's a BS line, he's not into you, he's a jerky player, he's trying to use you, etc. But my inclination was to think maybe it was true. Divorce sounds traumatic. But that may be irrelevant - regardless, if he's not ready for a relationship, regardless of the reason, I guess I should move on. I guess ideally I'd do that in an amicable way that leaves the door open in the future if he does ever want a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Sorry for grammar errors. On my phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, here’s the thing, which I think has already been made pretty clear on this thread: a divorce leaves you reeling. After 20 years with the same partner, your world is shaken when it ends, especially if you weren’t the one that initiated. He may feel insecure about himself, insecure about you, insecure about a lot of things. I’m assuming he might have been pretty young when he got married, so there also may be honestly some degree of wanting to “snow wild oats”, that’s different than a player.. he just needs time to do what he hasn’t yet.

If it’s not working for you, that is also fine. He’s not handing you a line... after 20 years, he really needs healing time. The first year of separation can be a time of huge pain, legal fights, etc. So I don’t count it in the same way I would count the years after.

Don’t leave it open. Just close it. You’re not doing either of you any favours saying to come back once he has his head together. If it’s not working, you just need to both move on. He needs to not feel like he failed someone else other than his wife, and you need to feel that you are worth what yiu want, without waiting for it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is traumatic and the worse post-divorce dating situations I’ve personally seen are the folks who jumped into dating immediately. I know a bunch of posters will now chime in tat they were ready as soon as the ink dried or they did all the hard emotional work before they even filed, so your mileage may vary. I did see a lot of train wrecks among both male and female coworkers, friends, and family who were in a rush. It’s important to get back in the saddle, but maybe your guy has to tend to the broken leg first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah, my comment about looks comparison was irrelevant.

All this is really making me re think dating guys who are divorced, period. Especially the ones who have been married for so long and basically grew up with someone. It feels almost like I am dating someone else's husband. I only started being willing to date divorced guys a year ago and now I'm thinking I should stop. I want a serious relationship and if so many divorced people don't or or possibly hung up on their ex wives, maybe I am wasting my time.

Probably. These people are always going to come with baggage and sounds like you're not up to dealing with the baggage. No harm no foul.

Op here. Well, I'd be up for it if any of them said, and acted like, they were ready to be in a full, healthy relationship ship with me. I think being married and or being a dad can be a growing experience for a man and that has some positives. But I've dated three divorced dads now. Their divorced dates ranged from a year previous to three years previous to meeting me. As it turned out all they wanted was casual dating. Or at least that's all they wanted with me. I know people talk about guys not wanting to commit, but I honestly really have not encountered that issue with guys who haven't been married yet. Plenty of other guys have wanted to be in serious relationships with me.

There is a very good reason for that. The hunting grounds are so rich for a middle-aged divorced man that there isn't a reason to settle down with just one woman. I'm seeing two right now, and hoping to add a third. None are serious, and I make sure they know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah, my comment about looks comparison was irrelevant.

All this is really making me re think dating guys who are divorced, period. Especially the ones who have been married for so long and basically grew up with someone. It feels almost like I am dating someone else's husband. I only started being willing to date divorced guys a year ago and now I'm thinking I should stop. I want a serious relationship and if so many divorced people don't or or possibly hung up on their ex wives, maybe I am wasting my time.

Probably. These people are always going to come with baggage and sounds like you're not up to dealing with the baggage. No harm no foul.

Op here. Well, I'd be up for it if any of them said, and acted like, they were ready to be in a full, healthy relationship ship with me. I think being married and or being a dad can be a growing experience for a man and that has some positives. But I've dated three divorced dads now. Their divorced dates ranged from a year previous to three years previous to meeting me. As it turned out all they wanted was casual dating. Or at least that's all they wanted with me. I know people talk about guys not wanting to commit, but I honestly really have not encountered that issue with guys who haven't been married yet. Plenty of other guys have wanted to be in serious relationships with me.

There is a very good reason for that. The hunting grounds are so rich for a middle-aged divorced man that there isn't a reason to settle down with just one woman. I'm seeing two right now, and hoping to add a third. None are serious, and I make sure they know it.

Op here - well then, no more divorced men for me. That settles it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yeah, my comment about looks comparison was irrelevant.

All this is really making me re think dating guys who are divorced, period. Especially the ones who have been married for so long and basically grew up with someone. It feels almost like I am dating someone else's husband. I only started being willing to date divorced guys a year ago and now I'm thinking I should stop. I want a serious relationship and if so many divorced people don't or or possibly hung up on their ex wives, maybe I am wasting my time.

Op, it does not matter how much better looking you are than the ex. She initiated the divorce. You’re competing against her rejection of him, their family, his kids. So it’s more than the physical aspect of his prior wife. I’ve been married 22 years, together 25. Although I’ve gained 30 lbs during the last five years and my hair is 50% grey. I would have to initiate any divorce to break up our relationship, and I think it would be 5 or more years before he would consider a serious relationship, more for remarriage. These things are complicated. He is trying to tell you he doesn’t want to be responsible for your feelings.

[Anonymous]

After only a month of dating why would you expect a guy coming out of a 20 year marriage to start talking about a long term relationship? If you really like him give him time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly O/T but what about a recently (6 mo) divorced mom of teenagers who's dating a lot? Is that uncommon? What does that say about her mindset?

[Anonymous]

It could be he is thinking "serious" means integrate life with his kids and he doesn't want to do that to them.

It's a hard risk after the first major failure with their parents to expose them to another one. So....

[Anonymous]

During my divorce, my now ex began dating a lady who he moved in with and launched a record speed love festival with. I even heard through several mutual friends that they were engaged. I'm not sure if she was just naïve or hopeful, but I couldn't believe how foolish she was and that she apparently had not heard of the word "rebound"

We were together for 20+ years and have 4 kids together. As soon as the divorce was final and the reality of our marriage being over set in, he broke up with her.

I would be very hesitant about dating someone who is newly divorced. It takes a while to get someone fully out of your system, if ever.