Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, you don't get it. You are reacting to her cutting off of sex. You have no agency in this deal. She gets everything she wants. Even having to secure a married AP will be work for you. If it were even, make her find you a substitute for her wifely duties.

Nope. If he sits there and takes it, he has no agency. If he cheats or files for divorce, he has agency.

If he does nothing, she gets everything she wants. She is obviously very comfortable in the sexless marriage, as so many women are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, you don't get it. You are reacting to her cutting off of sex. You have no agency in this deal. She gets everything she wants. Even having to secure a married AP will be work for you. If it were even, make her find you a substitute for her wifely duties.

Nope. If he sits there and takes it, he has no agency. If he cheats or files for divorce, he has agency.

If he does nothing, she gets everything she wants. She is obviously very comfortable in the sexless marriage, as so many women are.

What makes you think "so many women" are comfortable with sexless marriages? Maybe they've accepted that their partner isn't adequate in the bedroom and choose to focus elsewhere in life. That doesn't mean they are comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fix you "non-related issues" and stop avoiding your kids.

If you said, I spend more time out of the house taking the kids places then I would think, great. But you are just neglecting your kids.

I am sorry you have "non-related" mental healthy issues, please get those resolved and stop neglecting the kids.

Your wife has no business knowing you sex life if she is not a part of it but this has nothing to do with sex, you just wanted to start a fight.

You start fights and neglect spending time with the kids... those are you issues, not how much sex you are having.

Fix the non-related issues before you pull another woman into your mess of a way of dealing with people and issues.

OP here... there's enough time when the kids are at school, or asleep, or doing their own thing... to be out doing my own thing without neglecting the kids being an issue...

You go out after the kids are asleep, then are up in the next morning when they wake?

OP here... I know it's hard for you to imagine... but they are in elementary school, and in bed by 9 PM. I can still make it to the gym, workout and back... and be up by 7 AM...

So you are going to the gym 3 times a week, seeing a shrink at least once a week for "unrelated issues" and going out on social outing and a fully engaged parent and working full time.

Your going to the gym from 9:30-10:30 after a full day of work.

Hmm, really?

Is your unrelated issue lying and being delusional.

See if you moved out, you would actually have to take care of your kids when you had them. Isn't that the real issue you don't want to move out. Your wife takes care of the kids and you float in an out as you please.

Move out and see what it is like to really take care of kids.

You're a moron PP. I'm not the OP but I did just what he wrote for years--put the kids to bed, and went to gym at 10pm. After a day at the office and also did it on the weekend. My exDWs resistance to my gym time was one of many reasons I was forced to declare my independence from the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fix you "non-related issues" and stop avoiding your kids.

If you said, I spend more time out of the house taking the kids places then I would think, great. But you are just neglecting your kids.

I am sorry you have "non-related" mental healthy issues, please get those resolved and stop neglecting the kids.

Your wife has no business knowing you sex life if she is not a part of it but this has nothing to do with sex, you just wanted to start a fight.

You start fights and neglect spending time with the kids... those are you issues, not how much sex you are having.

Fix the non-related issues before you pull another woman into your mess of a way of dealing with people and issues.

OP here... there's enough time when the kids are at school, or asleep, or doing their own thing... to be out doing my own thing without neglecting the kids being an issue...

You go out after the kids are asleep, then are up in the next morning when they wake?

OP here... pretty

OP here... I know it's hard for you to imagine... but they are in elementary school, and in bed by 9 PM. I can still make it to the gym, workout and back... and be up by 7 AM...

So you are going to the gym 3 times a week, seeing a shrink at least once a week for "unrelated issues" and going out on social outing and a fully engaged parent and working full time.

Your going to the gym from 9:30-10:30 after a full day of work.

Hmm, really?

Is your unrelated issue lying and being delusional.

See if you moved out, you would actually have to take care of your kids when you had them. Isn't that the real issue you don't want to move out. Your wife takes care of the kids and you float in an out as you please.

Move out and see what it is like to really take care of kids.

OP here… Pretty obvious thing to say in 2018… but going to a psychologist is really not an issue you can and should associate with either mental illness or “lying and being delusional”. Such prejudice was already outdated in the 80s when even I was growing up. People encounter a variety of challenges throughout life and talking with a professional is never the wrong thing to do. Many of the more confident, smart and successful individuals I know do so sometime during their 40s…
Anyway… Between 7 hours of sleep and having a flexible work schedule… you can easily find time to go to the gym every now and then and to therapy once a week… all that without neglecting your kids. You would have to be very bad at managing time (which I am not) to think these things MUST go together…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

Well, I guess we don't know this, but OP can settle it for us pretty easily. OP - which happened first? Did your wife stop wanting to have sex with you first or did you start making yourself absent from the house more often first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

Or, as you seem to like a circular arguement, his avoiding her and checking out is causing the symptom of her wanting less sex. I mean, I don’t usually feel sexy towards someone actively trying to avoid me.

[Anonymous]

Your response cut off further discussion with your wife about the state of the marriage and your lack of a sex life together. You are the best person to judge whether your wife’s question was a good-faith attempt to open up a discussion of the problems in the marriage or an accusation. If you want closer emotional intimacy with your wife, then you should want to talk to her about all this. If it were me I’d go back and tell her that my initial response was mean and came from a place of pain, but I would like to talk to her about whether our sex life can be saved and if not what other options exist. If there’s enough good in your marriage that you’re not ready to divorce, then try to problem-solve together. That is what emotional intimacy is. If you have neither sexual intimacy nor emotional intimacy then all you’ve got is the kids and it seems like that’s usually not enough.

[Anonymous]

You’re still married, so she does have the right to ask and know.

Tell her you aren’t, but ask if she’s willing to
Open the marriage up since she’s not interested in intimacy or counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

Or, as you seem to like a circular arguement, his avoiding her and checking out is causing the symptom of her wanting less sex. I mean, I don’t usually feel sexy towards someone actively trying to avoid me.

Pro-tip: He'll stop avoiding you if you f**k him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

OP here. I can only assume your conclusions are based on your own personal experience, as you know (nor have you asked) anything about the timeline of our (noticeable) problems. You also seem to imagine parts of MY story that are not actually there. Most days, I used to be in the house 24/7. My decision to spend more time on myself and activities outside with company other than my wife or kids is a choice to straighten social support networks in circles outside the family. I still manage to spend over 20 hours in the house on most days… and the one thing not lacking in my relationship is time dedicated to the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a very similar situation. 40+, married 18 years, last two years have been awful. No sex, no affection, no companionship. Basically, cohabiting coparents of our two elementary school kids. I haven't been cheating, but she isn't even interested enough to ask. It isn't her business at this point, though I might not say so. Like you, I love my kids, want to keep living under the same roof, and don't want to inflict pain on them. (In fact, not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that has kept me in the marriage for the past two years.) I also think I'm not ready to give up on having sex or affection for the rest of my life.

I am just not an "open marriage" kind of person. I don't think my wife is either. She would probably overcome her indifference to me enough to resent that, but not enough to start having sex with me again. And what am I gonna do, tell her that every Friday night she needs to watch the kids so I can go on Tinder dates? Awkward. Also, if I found an AP who was giving me sex and affection, I'd want to dump the wife for the AP. If divorce is inevitable anyway, why not do it now? Finally, that's a weird-ass thing to model for the kids. "Oh, mommy and daddy don't sleep with each other, just with other people."

Most of the other posters don't appreciate how tough it is to pull the plug on a low-conflict marriage where the kids are happy and successful. But nothing is going to change if I don't. I suspect the same is true for you. Do you really want to get out of bed a year... five years... ten years from now, and find yourself in the exact same situation? At some point you either have to sht or get off the pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your response cut off further discussion with your wife about the state of the marriage and your lack of a sex life together. You are the best person to judge whether your wife’s question was a good-faith attempt to open up a discussion of the problems in the marriage or an accusation. If you want closer emotional intimacy with your wife, then you should want to talk to her about all this. If it were me I’d go back and tell her that my initial response was mean and came from a place of pain, but I would like to talk to her about whether our sex life can be saved and if not what other options exist. If there’s enough good in your marriage that you’re not ready to divorce, then try to problem-solve together. That is what emotional intimacy is. If you have neither sexual intimacy nor emotional intimacy then all you’ve got is the kids and it seems like that’s usually not enough.

OP here. Good reply. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re still married, so she does have the right to ask and know.

Tell her you aren’t, but ask if she’s willing to
Open the marriage up since she’s not interested in intimacy or counseling.

+1

[Anonymous]

So, OP if you’re home 20 hours a day, what does your wife’s day look like?