Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Wow. For every story people can come up with, the guy just gets to go on with his life. Nope. Thank goodness we have evolved enough with DNA, which will change quite a bit of behavior from now on. The story about the girl who was raped? Horrible. Yet, her parents really made it worse...so there is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

Wtf. Rape victims do not owe it to ANYONE to share their "pat statement". She shouldn't have to tell her husband, her children, friends or family if she doesn't want to. You think she should wear some kind of scarlet A forever? "Hi I'm Larla, rape victim who gave the baby up for adoption!"

[Anonymous]

Yeah, only one person gets to choose with closed adoption. Which is fine.

But then they don't get to choose whether their aunts, cousins, or other children want to remain "closed" to any and all relatives they have! If my mom had a child before me and I didn't know, she doesn't get to decide for me someday that I don't want to know my half-sister.

Sounds like these particular relatives are saying they don't want contact, which should be respected, but people need to understand when they participate on Ancestry.com and such that this kind of thing can happen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

No, the only person who was not in a position to consent to the arrangement was the baby, now adult. The fact that she wants to disclose true facts, and that there is no enforceable agreement preventing her from doing so, because she was a child, not to mention the fact relate as directly to her as anything on earth, is to make much more important. The fact that someone discloses a factual truth that you wish you didn’t have no one in your family is not the same as blowing your family up. Take some responsibility. Just as adoptive families should take responsibility for knowing that their child may want, again, to no TruFax about their biological origins. The idea that this knowledge will blow up a grown woman‘s family, at least as far as her family members are concerned home she didn’t trust in the first place, he’s crazy. People get over and through all kinds of things. FACTS often being one of them

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

[Anonymous]

It really just depends on the situation. The trend now is towards open adoptions. I wouldn't expect that a closed adoption necessarily means a birth mother never wants to be contacted--there's a lot that can happen between her child's birth and young adulthood.

So, best to reach out with caution and sensitivity.

At the very least, I think the birth mother owes the child information about birth family medical history and the situation of the child's birth. Saying this from experience in my own extended family--it matters to provide that much, if nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

[Anonymous]

I had some asshole contact me, saying we share a father. She tracked me through some cousin on my dad’s side who put her DNA online. I didn’t put any DNA online. She then peppered me with questions about “our” family. GTFOH. I told her that I have only two siblings—those I was raised with—and that her family is whoever raised her. She got very upset, so I called the police precinct near where she lived to have her cautioned.

I didn’t ask my father any questions or mention it to my mother because I don’t care. Some random jerk doesn’t get to blow up my family. The kind of selfish, aggressively intrusive person who seeks to override a closed adoption to wedge herself into others’ lives doesn’t deserve to be in my life IMO. I don’t need a kook occupying my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

Literally no one is saying this. They are saying that the birth mother has indicated that she does not want to be contacted. The newly discovered blood relatives have indicated that they do not want to be contacted. Knowing that, the OP's sister should leave these people alone. OP's sister did nothing wrong in reaching out to them, but now that she knows they don't want to talk to her, she should respect that. And I say that as an adoptee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

[Anonymous]

If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

Two other things that are beyond dumb:

Thinking these companies are not “uuuugely” trying to capitalize on this kind of thing.

Thinking because someone shares your DNA, That they also owe you a relationship, or answers. There are many people who share DNA and have been raised by the same people, who will tell you it’s not that simple.

My problem, just like prenatal DNA, is that these “services” do not offer help for the fallout.

[Anonymous]

I am SO glad I decided not to be an egg donor. I nearly went through with it when I was in my early 20s and needed money. That's all I need though for 20 years later for kids to pop out of the woodwork and message my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am SO glad I decided not to be an egg donor. I nearly went through with it when I was in my early 20s and needed money. That's all I need though for 20 years later for kids to pop out of the woodwork and message my family.

+1 PP

I hate to say it, but this kind of “service” will make donation and adoption harder, once people see the real implications.

[Anonymous]

I’m just curious. If you were put up for adoption, what makes you think COUSINS knew about you?