Reply to Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile  are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied?  And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts?   And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself.  I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened.  That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times. [/quote]

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words)   that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

No, the only person who was not in a position to consent to the arrangement was the baby, now adult.   The fact that she wants to disclose true facts, and that there is no enforceable agreement preventing her from doing so, because she was a child, not to mention the fact relate as directly to her as anything on earth,  is to make much more important.   The fact that someone discloses a factual truth that you wish you didn’t have no one in your family is not the same as blowing your family up.  Take some responsibility. Just as adoptive families should take responsibility for knowing that their child may want, again, to no TruFax about their biological origins.  The idea that this knowledge will blow up a grown woman‘s family, at least as far as her family members are concerned home she didn’t trust in the first place, he’s crazy. People get over and through all kinds of things. FACTS often being one of them

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

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