Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious. If you were put up for adoption, what makes you think COUSINS knew about you?

NP. Sister confides in a sister, loose-lipped sister confides in her daughter. My aunt can't keep a secret for anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

And if an adopted child wishes to send letters or emails to his or her biological parent, that child has that right as well. The adopted child also has a right to share any information he or she has learned about birth parents. There may be social norms and etiquette, but that’s not the law. Another person asked why anyone would think cousins would know about a child who was given up for adoption. Well, why wouldn’t they? Why do we assume that biological mother is our ashamed of their babies or their choice to provide their kids with a better life as is so often stated? And, most basic of all, having a child is not a private matter. Of course, there are others present for the event, and one would hope that the father would be aware of the baby as well. Most of all, though, the baby is a person.

[Anonymous]

A few weeks ago, I got sucked into binge watching a show Long Lost Family, which is all about exactly this...adoptees searching for their birth parents and vice versus. Sometimes they find people exactly the way OP's sister did by searching DNA databases and looking for extended family members and contacting them to ask if they had a sister/daughter/etc who gave up baby for adoption in X place in X year. From watching the show, one thing that struck me is how often there is so much pain on both sides even for the people who grew up in happy families. It's given me a new perspective an adoption for sure.

I don't think your sister did anything wrong. She asked and got a response and now needs to accept the outcome, however painful it may be. In a society like ours with DNA databases, "closed" adoptions can no longer be guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

Is genealogy a right? Legally I'm not seeing how it is. Any lawyers want to weigh in?

Basic human right. Everyone deserves to know who they are and what their DNA is. There does not need to be any legal input...the horse has left the barn. DNA sequencing has made this possible....even if the woman's DNA was never tested. I found my bio father in 15 minutes after matching with a 4th cousin. And yes, I did deserve to know who I am.

Yes. I agree. That right should not be preempted by another individual's wish not to be made uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

100%.

[Anonymous]

I think anyone who is pregnant and reading this thread would choose abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

because the adoptee is the child, not the parent. They had no say in the matter at all and their lives are often ripped apart by the sense of longing and loss that comes with being an adoptee. The birth parent is still the grownup in the situation and has had 100% of the control. After decades have gone by, that child now deserves some information. And FYI -- NO ADOPTEE would ever suggest finding their birth parent diminishes anything about their adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

It's been my experience that if an adoption was closed, it means the birth parents (specifically the mother) want no contact ever. Closed usually means they are hiding it or it was so painful that they want to pretend it never happened.

My best friend did a closed adoption after a rape. She wanted an abortion but her parents wouldn't consent as she was under 18. She's now 35 and the baby will be 18 this fall. She's pretty much been in therapy since after she gave birth. The child contacting her somehow from out of the blue is her biggest fear. Her husband knows about her rape and that she gave a baby up for adoption, but her kids with him don't and his family doesn't. Her extended family doesn't know and she's not even 100% sure her younger sister (who was 11 at the time) realized that when she went away to stay with relatives for the summer and fall, it wasn't to help the relative after surgery but to hide her pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

because the adoptee is the child, not the parent. They had no say in the matter at all and their lives are often ripped apart by the sense of longing and loss that comes with being an adoptee. The birth parent is still the grownup in the situation and has had 100% of the control. After decades have gone by, that child now deserves some information. And FYI -- NO ADOPTEE would ever suggest finding their birth parent diminishes anything about their adoptive parents.

And at the same point, you are diminishing the decision of your birth parent to decide that they were not a suitable parent for you
. Do you think anyone comes to this lightly? Do you think they never consider the alternatives?

I sure hope you support free contraception and abortion if you think these are simple things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is pregnant and reading this thread would choose abortion.

Absolutely. OP’s sister’s mom really regrets not having aborted that stalking b-tch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been my experience that if an adoption was closed, it means the birth parents (specifically the mother) want no contact ever. Closed usually means they are hiding it or it was so painful that they want to pretend it never happened.

My best friend did a closed adoption after a rape. She wanted an abortion but her parents wouldn't consent as she was under 18. She's now 35 and the baby will be 18 this fall. She's pretty much been in therapy since after she gave birth. The child contacting her somehow from out of the blue is her biggest fear. Her husband knows about her rape and that she gave a baby up for adoption, but her kids with him don't and his family doesn't. Her extended family doesn't know and she's not even 100% sure her younger sister (who was 11 at the time) realized that when she went away to stay with relatives for the summer and fall, it wasn't to help the relative after surgery but to hide her pregnancy.

I think closed can mean that or it can also be preferred by the adoptive parents who don't want the birth mom/family to know their identity or whereabouts. Or preferred by men who don't want it known they were cheating on their partners/wives.

I am sorry for the pain your friend has experienced. Shame thrives on keeping secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

because the adoptee is the child, not the parent. They had no say in the matter at all and their lives are often ripped apart by the sense of longing and loss that comes with being an adoptee. The birth parent is still the grownup in the situation and has had 100% of the control. After decades have gone by, that child now deserves some information. And FYI -- NO ADOPTEE would ever suggest finding their birth parent diminishes anything about their adoptive parents.

And at the same point, you are diminishing the decision of your birth parent to decide that they were not a suitable parent for you
. Do you think anyone comes to this lightly? Do you think they never consider the alternatives?

I sure hope you support free contraception and abortion if you think these are simple things.

I am not diminishing it, but saying that the child's right to know their parentage trumps the birth parent's right to not be disturbed 18 years later. I say it because the reason for the trend in open or semi-open adoptions is the realization that the focus should be on the child's well-being. In fact, in the UK, Australia, most of Europe and Canada, all adoptees have the right to their birth certificate when they turn 18.

The idea that one adult is denied access to their medical and genetic history, to answer questions about their own bodies and lives and their own human history because another adult decided it would make them unhappy is just wrong.

And yes, I absolutely agree that birth control and abortions should be affordable or free and much more available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

because the adoptee is the child, not the parent. They had no say in the matter at all and their lives are often ripped apart by the sense of longing and loss that comes with being an adoptee. The birth parent is still the grownup in the situation and has had 100% of the control. After decades have gone by, that child now deserves some information. And FYI -- NO ADOPTEE would ever suggest finding their birth parent diminishes anything about their adoptive parents.

And at the same point, you are diminishing the decision of your birth parent to decide that they were not a suitable parent for you
. Do you think anyone comes to this lightly? Do you think they never consider the alternatives?

I sure hope you support free contraception and abortion if you think these are simple things.

I am not diminishing it, but saying that the child's right to know their parentage trumps the birth parent's right to not be disturbed 18 years later. I say it because the reason for the trend in open or semi-open adoptions is the realization that the focus should be on the child's well-being. In fact, in the UK, Australia, most of Europe and Canada, all adoptees have the right to their birth certificate when they turn 18.

The idea that one adult is denied access to their medical and genetic history, to answer questions about their own bodies and lives and their own human history because another adult decided it would make them unhappy is just wrong.

And yes, I absolutely agree that birth control and abortions should be affordable or free and much more available.

OP here. I'm surprised by this. The only birth certificate that was ever issued to my sister lists my parents (the adopted parents) as the official parents. It says no where on my sister's birth certificate that she was adopted or had a different birth mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's true in some US states as well.

Here's the UK website. https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

And if an adopted child wishes to send letters or emails to his or her biological parent, that child has that right as well. The adopted child also has a right to share any information he or she has learned about birth parents. There may be social norms and etiquette, but that’s not the law. Another person asked why anyone would think cousins would know about a child who was given up for adoption. Well, why wouldn’t they? Why do we assume that biological mother is our ashamed of their babies or their choice to provide their kids with a better life as is so often stated? And, most basic of all, having a child is not a private matter. Of course, there are others present for the event, and one would hope that the father would be aware of the baby as well. Most of all, though, the baby is a person.

You think it's okay to keep contacting people even when they have made it clear that they don't want to be contacted? That's harassment. No means no.

Sharing someone else's personal information without their consent can also be considered harassment.