Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

The story is really, really, really sad. She snuck out freshman year to go to a party with some older friends down the street who went to a different HS - think very rich part of town too so assumed safe. They went to the party and she was roofied (spelling?). She remembers pieces of it, but there were multiple boys that she didn't know + other very bad things (not posting bc explicit). She woke up in her backyard and luckily snuck back in. A month later she didn't get her period, so she took a pregnancy test which was positive. She then slit her wrists rather than tell her parents that she had snuck out, was gang raped, and was pregnant. Her mom found her thankfully. I wish she had been allowed to get an abortion, but her parents just couldn't consent to that because of their religious beliefs. It is one of the reasons that I donate regularly to PP so that girls can have that option. Her parents/her also decided not to prosecute bc she didn't want it all public from my understanding.

To this day, she does not drink and carries a bottle of water in her purse bc she doesn't trust beverages she hasn't seen poured herself - she has a bit of PTSD I think - this includes a soda from a restaurant brought from the kitchen - she won't drink it. She is scared to be alone and mainly I think has a nanny for her kids so she isn't alone ever. She follows all rules in life - I bet you she has never sped while driving her car. She made one mistake in her life and people think she deserves to relive it.

I shared her story because I do hope all those people who wish the "hidden adoption" to come out think about why there may be other reasons for someone not wanting it to come out. I do worry that she will commit suicide if it does come out. Okay I've got to go just give her a call and tell her that I love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

The story is really, really, really sad. She snuck out freshman year to go to a party with some older friends down the street who went to a different HS - think very rich part of town too so assumed safe. They went to the party and she was roofied (spelling?). She remembers pieces of it, but there were multiple boys that she didn't know + other very bad things (not posting bc explicit). She woke up in her backyard and luckily snuck back in. A month later she didn't get her period, so she took a pregnancy test which was positive. She then slit her wrists rather than tell her parents that she had snuck out, was gang raped, and was pregnant. Her mom found her thankfully. I wish she had been allowed to get an abortion, but her parents just couldn't consent to that because of their religious beliefs. It is one of the reasons that I donate regularly to PP so that girls can have that option. Her parents/her also decided not to prosecute bc she didn't want it all public from my understanding.

To this day, she does not drink and carries a bottle of water in her purse bc she doesn't trust beverages she hasn't seen poured herself - she has a bit of PTSD I think - this includes a soda from a restaurant brought from the kitchen - she won't drink it. She is scared to be alone and mainly I think has a nanny for her kids so she isn't alone ever. She follows all rules in life - I bet you she has never sped while driving her car. She made one mistake in her life and people think she deserves to relive it.

I shared her story because I do hope all those people who wish the "hidden adoption" to come out think about why there may be other reasons for someone not wanting it to come out. I do worry that she will commit suicide if it does come out. Okay I've got to go just give her a call and tell her that I love her.

What a heart wrenching story, and YES, this is why abortion should be accessible and legal to everyone, even those under 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

The story is really, really, really sad. She snuck out freshman year to go to a party with some older friends down the street who went to a different HS - think very rich part of town too so assumed safe. They went to the party and she was roofied (spelling?). She remembers pieces of it, but there were multiple boys that she didn't know + other very bad things (not posting bc explicit). She woke up in her backyard and luckily snuck back in. A month later she didn't get her period, so she took a pregnancy test which was positive. She then slit her wrists rather than tell her parents that she had snuck out, was gang raped, and was pregnant. Her mom found her thankfully. I wish she had been allowed to get an abortion, but her parents just couldn't consent to that because of their religious beliefs. It is one of the reasons that I donate regularly to PP so that girls can have that option. Her parents/her also decided not to prosecute bc she didn't want it all public from my understanding.

To this day, she does not drink and carries a bottle of water in her purse bc she doesn't trust beverages she hasn't seen poured herself - she has a bit of PTSD I think - this includes a soda from a restaurant brought from the kitchen - she won't drink it. She is scared to be alone and mainly I think has a nanny for her kids so she isn't alone ever. She follows all rules in life - I bet you she has never sped while driving her car. She made one mistake in her life and people think she deserves to relive it.

I shared her story because I do hope all those people who wish the "hidden adoption" to come out think about why there may be other reasons for someone not wanting it to come out. I do worry that she will commit suicide if it does come out. Okay I've got to go just give her a call and tell her that I love her.

What a heart wrenching story, and YES, this is why abortion should be accessible and legal to everyone, even those under 18.

AND why closed adoptions should be able to stay closed. I'm pro abortion, but there are women who want to give birth to the baby and prefer that to abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does have the right because they willingly registered on a DNA sharing site, Duh! They also have the right in not responding. If they ask and the birth mother still does not want to be approached then she has that right. Everyone has a right to privacy.

This. It was fine for the sister to contact them through the DNA sharing site. Once they told her they did not want further contact, though, that should have been the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

The DNA will out the rapist, too. So, there is that. Are these guys in jail. If not, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

Is genealogy a right? Legally I'm not seeing how it is. Any lawyers want to weigh in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

To this end...she is being continually shamed for something that WAS NOT HER CRIME. She can and should be able to say what happened. She does not need to have a relationship with her adopted child, but hiding it exacerbates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

The DNA will out the rapist, too. So, there is that. Are these guys in jail. If not, why?

She claims to not know who they were since she went out with a friend who didn't go to school with us. There was a fight with punches thrown between the two girls fathers as her father I think blamed the other girl, but that is just gossip that I've hard. Her parents just swept it away and ignored the problem - they did get her mental help but they weren't going to sully the family reputation through accusations. They also victim blamed her - like you wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't been bad but we still love you, but you were bad. They also moved into a bigger, newer house during that time while she had "mono."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.

I do think a lot of people are nasty on this thread hoping that it blows up in the birth mother's face for trying to hide an adoption. Sadly I think for your friend that it will come out.

This was an abortion problem, not a privacy problem. She went through a horrific experience, but it was HER OWN PARENTS who were also the abusers.Seriously.
It will come up in the future, because it will. It is not the child's fault. She should have a pat statement with or without the rape explanation( and she doesn't have to say that, but she can leave it without further abuse to the child) and decline to meet. Her sad story is not over. What happened to her still doesn't support her child's right to genealogy.

Is genealogy a right? Legally I'm not seeing how it is. Any lawyers want to weigh in?

Basic human right. Everyone deserves to know who they are and what their DNA is. There does not need to be any legal input...the horse has left the barn. DNA sequencing has made this possible....even if the woman's DNA was never tested. I found my bio father in 15 minutes after matching with a 4th cousin. And yes, I did deserve to know who I am.

[Anonymous]

Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

OP here. Yes. After reading this thread I would never counsel someone to put a baby up for adoption. I truly always thought adoption was the more selfless choice before. I have children and can't imagine giving them up and then moving on with my life and how hard that would be.

I'd have to agree OP. My view is changed. I don't think I could ever advise someone to give a child up for adoption. I too thought it was selfless. As a mother, I believe it may be the hardest thing a woman will ever do is give up a child, and there has to be a damn good reason for why.

[Anonymous]

Closed and should remain so.

[Anonymous]

Closed; keep it so.