In case anyone still thinks spanking is okay
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Anonymous
NP here who agrees with this poster. We actually only just started spanking our almost 4 year old. We thought long and hard about it and the method to use when spanking as well as what types of behavior deserve a spank. We have chosen to spank for consistent disobedient behavior. We are Christian and apply many of the methods suggested by other Christian authors whereby you take the child to a private location, explain why they are getting spanked, spank and then explain again why they were spanked, hug, and then its over and done with. No more dwelling on the incident. It's still early on but surprisingly, we are having to spank a lot less than I expected and the alternative approaches (yelling, screaming, time outs etc. have also diminished in frequency). Again, it's still early on but I've been surprised how our child approaches the spanking as well as the aftermath. It has been more effective than the behavior that would result from all the previous back and forth we used to do. In all honesty, a great deal of the crying occurs before the actually spanking (it seems just the thought/knowledge that he is about to be spanked does a number on him). There is a small window when you can effectively spank and we've been told that that is usually only up until 8 or 9 at most after which the kid is really too big to spank (which I can imagine). Again, to each their own. Having been on both sides of the fence on this issue I can tell you it is not as simple as black and white nor is it abuse as many people have stated on this forum. Honestly, I think and know of quite a number of people who do spank and we are high SES families who love our kids. I think most don't waste their time getting involved in the back and forth discussion on the issue in these types of forums. I don't plan on commenting any more about this either but wanted to at least respond as I appreciated the pp comments. |
Anonymous
There are plenty of parenting decisions we all make that taken in isolation probably aren't very consequential to kids lives. Sure, letting your kid do nothing but watch TV all day long is bad...but obviously some TV here and there, no problem...generally speaking, in families that provide love, affection, and stimulation for kids the kids are going to be okay. So on these boards, a lot of times people come out and point to all the literature about physical punishment being bad for kids and they say "we only do it a little" or "I know plenty of kids who get spanked and are fine" - and yes, that is all true. So if you do it in the context of a loving home with the other necessary supports, fine, it probably won't do lasting damage to your children. And sure, all of us do what we need to do some days to get through as parents. But what I don't understand is how, sitting back, anyone can really argue that spanking is something they want to use with their child. There is very little to no research to suggest it is effective. And to the extent that we all spend lots of time thinking about the "best" inputs for our kids...what kind of lesson do they learn when we show them it is okay to hit someone. Regardless the reason. The country spends all this time now obsessing over teaching kids about consent and respecting their bodies and then we as parents think it's okay to hit our kids? When adults in our lives do things we don't like would we ever consider it's okay to hit them? Kids are learning, all the time, about power dynamics, about respect, about how to have loving relationships--with themselves, their peers, their families--and I don't know why we would want to show them that it is ever okay to hit in the context of a loving relationship. Sure, kids need boundaries and rules and we need to enforce those rules, but there are many, many ways to do that. |
Anonymous
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I wasn't spanked. I don't spank my kids. I also don't scream at them, drag them around by their arms, or abuse them emotionally.
I find spanking to be abusive, pure and simple. I don't care if you think you're disciplining your children gently. I don't care if you think that your methods are more effective or less harmful in the long run than other methods. I don't care if you think that my kids are spoiled. If you hit your child, ever, for any reason, I consider that abuse, the same way I would consider it abusive if you ever, for any reason, hit your spouse or your pet. Spankers spend a lot of time justifying their behavior. First they say that sometimes, they have spanked their child in the heat of the moment when the child does something unsafe (e.g., ran into the street, spanked), and they justify this decision as being a) a decision that they made consciously (despite it being in the heat of the moment) and b) acceptable because it's a real safety issue and they don't use that method regularly. Then another spanker will chime in and say that when they spank, they do so without emotion - take child to a private place, explain why the child will be spanked, spank, and then hug them to "repair the relationship." How is this not teaching a child that someone can hit you to punish you but that it's okay as long as they then show you love afterward? If an adult woman came to you and said that her husband hit her because she did something that he disapproved of, but that it was okay because he did it in private, explained why he was going to hit her, and then hugged and kissed her afterward, would you not consider that to be a pretty messed up relationship with physical and emotional abuse? If I found myself friends with someone who spanked her children and felt the need to qualify to me when, where, and how she hit her children, we would cease to be friends immediately. |
Anonymous
| I think the Christian poster points out something critical. She's teaching her kids authoritarianism. Most of us think our kids are special snowflakes who will rule the world at some point. Spanking is not a parenting tactic that will get them there. I wouldn't hand out with a family were spanking happened and I knew about it. |
Anonymous
I am pro spanking, but the whole hug after hitting your child is creepy. As some of the "Christian" authors... |
Anonymous
Way to teach your daughter if someone (future boyfriend or husband) doesn't like the way she's behaving they can hit her followed by a hug. Or for a boy he can hit a girlfriend or wife followed by a hug. |
Anonymous
You suck. I was spanked with a belt, spoon, hand, yardstick and I will never do that to my daughter. I would never accept any affection (hug and kiss at night) from my dad because all he ever did was spank and yell at me. Your kids are screwed not mine. |
Anonymous
You were abused. Don't get the two mixed up. |
Anonymous
Your kids hate you because you hit them. Good parents generally raise kids who actually want to feel close to them. Sorry you suck. |
Anonymous
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We spanked occasionally, in the old fashioned "come over here and get over my lap" way.
Like someone said above, what it meant was that we ended up doing far less disciplining and punishing that we otherwise would have had to. It meant that we could be a lot more relaxed and have a lot more fun with our kids the other 99.8% of the time. My youngest might still get a spanking occasionally, but it's very rare now. |
Anonymous
It's not universal, but there's wayyyyy more parents who spank than who don't... |
Anonymous
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The problem with this sort of research is that there are 100 or 1,000 other variables for which they don't even attempt to control.
Causation/correlation, etc., etc. |
Anonymous
You know what? I have an IQ of 148 and I have spanked my kids. And I know a lot of other intelligent people who do. In fact, as the studies show, those of you who have never spanked are in the clear minority (roughly 20%). That said, spanking is not a common occurrence nor is it be done as an immediate or emotional response to anything, those are the lessons that teach that hitting is acceptable. In our situation, we use other non-hitting forms of discipline. Spanking for us was introduced when the children were verbal and were able to associate cause and effect. If they violated other forms of discipline (like leaving timeout) then they were given the option to return or get spanked as an alternative response to the disciplinary issue. One of the things is that it was established that hitting was an alternative discipline, not a primary discipline and the child had the option to go with the original punishment or take this instead. I had my child who did not want to sit in timeout accept a spanking (always on the bottom, not anywhere else) when he didn't want a long timeout (timeouts were #minutes=age in years). But this was not spanking in retaliation, but a choice the child made to trade punishments. The only other time I've used spanking is when the child instinctively did something dangerous (running in a parking lot without looking) and repeated attempts to talk to him did not encourage him to change his behavior. So, one time after he had been told repeatedly not to bolt in the parking lot, he did so and was promptly swatted on his bottom to make sure that there was an emotional reaction to this behavior. That was a few years ago now and it did solve the problem. He didn't run away after that. In this case, his running was action without conscious thought and no number of warnings or requests to behave safely were heeded. And the response stuck and he did not approach parking lots as a playground again. |
Anonymous
np. I agree with a lot of what you said, but in our case, the spankings were never an option. They were what happened in cases of particularly egregious behavior, or when other consequences were ineffective or defied. I can't imagine they would ever have chosen a spanking over something else like a timeout. But all kids are different. |
Anonymous
| LOL...so many fragile white people here. Damn. |