She's pregnant - I'm freaking out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

If a guy loved her, he wouldn't be freaking out now. Other men's babies are rarely an issue for guys who look to lock it down.

My advice to OP: once the baby is here, get your legal ducks in a row. Pay your fair share, get visitation. Taking on responsibility for a woman with two (?) more children may be a tad too much for anybody, let alone somebody who wasn't exactly planning on it. Pay for your mistakes, not other dudes'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

Because he felt strongly enough about her existing kids that he affirmatively did NOT want to marry her. It's not fair to those kids, the woman, or the new kid to create a marriage under those circumstances if he can't be a good stepparent.

Maybe it's possible he'll change his mind -- but it would be the wrong thing to do to get married with such huge reservations.

Meh. He didn't say it was the existing kids in terms of their behavior or not liking them, he said it was the concept of an "insta-family" and not wanting a blended family based on his history. His family is insta-ing right now and will be blended with half-siblings for his kid already, like it or not. And again, I didn't say get married. But he broke up with a woman that by his own account 1) is a good person, that 2) he would have otherwise tried to lock down, because 3) he loved her, all because of a reason that has drastically changed due to circumstances. He can be a good dad if they're not together, but he can't be as hands on if they're not in a relationship. This isn't a typical "babies don't fix relationships" post, because he's the one saying he loved her, all he didn't love was jumping into the stepdad role.

Again, he shouldn't show up at her house with a ring. But back up and look at the facts: the woman he says he loves is having his kid. Does it really make sense to tell him not to try to rekindle the relationship, just because before he was going to have his own kid he wasn't ready to be a stepdad?

[Anonymous]

If a guy loved her, he wouldn't be freaking out now.

A lie. He's freaking out because he has this massive unexpected commitment in his life. One day you don't even have a fish to worry about if you decide to go someplace, and now there's a baby, the mom, and in this case the mom's other kids. For years and years and years, and 529 accounts, and maybe lawyers, and her family and his family.

Babies freak people out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If a guy loved her, he wouldn't be freaking out now.

A lie. He's freaking out because he has this massive unexpected commitment in his life. One day you don't even have a fish to worry about if you decide to go someplace, and now there's a baby, the mom, and in this case the mom's other kids. For years and years and years, and 529 accounts, and maybe lawyers, and her family and his family.

Babies freak people out.

Babies freak people out. When we got an ooooopsie baby ... DH FREAKED OUT big time. And it was his. And he loved me. And our other kids. But, 3rd baby pushed him right over that cliff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

Because he felt strongly enough about her existing kids that he affirmatively did NOT want to marry her. It's not fair to those kids, the woman, or the new kid to create a marriage under those circumstances if he can't be a good stepparent.

Maybe it's possible he'll change his mind -- but it would be the wrong thing to do to get married with such huge reservations.

Meh. He didn't say it was the existing kids in terms of their behavior or not liking them, he said it was the concept of an "insta-family" and not wanting a blended family based on his history. His family is insta-ing right now and will be blended with half-siblings for his kid already, like it or not. And again, I didn't say get married. But he broke up with a woman that by his own account 1) is a good person, that 2) he would have otherwise tried to lock down, because 3) he loved her, all because of a reason that has drastically changed due to circumstances. He can be a good dad if they're not together, but he can't be as hands on if they're not in a relationship. This isn't a typical "babies don't fix relationships" post, because he's the one saying he loved her, all he didn't love was jumping into the stepdad role.

Again, he shouldn't show up at her house with a ring. But back up and look at the facts: the woman he says he loves is having his kid. Does it really make sense to tell him not to try to rekindle the relationship, just because before he was going to have his own kid he wasn't ready to be a stepdad?

Nothing about the surprise baby changes his ability and willingness to be a stepfather. In fact, it would likely make it worse, because he felt pressured or trapped. I agree with the above that a guy who was truly in love with a woman wouldn't break up with her because he had frivolous reasons for not wanting to be a stepfather. OP either doesn't really love her (or isn't really that into committment - he believes he can find an unencumbered woman elsewhere); or he has SERIOUS, substantial reservations about becoming a stepfather. People urging him to get married are very much taking the "babies fix relationships" tactic.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed that OP doesn't seem to see the irony.... He says he was messed up by having step-parents in his life, and now he's considering leaving HIS CHILD with half-siblings (who he wasn't really fond of) to be raised by a parade of step-parents too. It's pretty sad, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

Because he felt strongly enough about her existing kids that he affirmatively did NOT want to marry her. It's not fair to those kids, the woman, or the new kid to create a marriage under those circumstances if he can't be a good stepparent.

Maybe it's possible he'll change his mind -- but it would be the wrong thing to do to get married with such huge reservations.

Meh. He didn't say it was the existing kids in terms of their behavior or not liking them, he said it was the concept of an "insta-family" and not wanting a blended family based on his history. His family is insta-ing right now and will be blended with half-siblings for his kid already, like it or not. And again, I didn't say get married. But he broke up with a woman that by his own account 1) is a good person, that 2) he would have otherwise tried to lock down, because 3) he loved her, all because of a reason that has drastically changed due to circumstances. He can be a good dad if they're not together, but he can't be as hands on if they're not in a relationship. This isn't a typical "babies don't fix relationships" post, because he's the one saying he loved her, all he didn't love was jumping into the stepdad role.

Again, he shouldn't show up at her house with a ring. But back up and look at the facts: the woman he says he loves is having his kid. Does it really make sense to tell him not to try to rekindle the relationship, just because before he was going to have his own kid he wasn't ready to be a stepdad?

Nothing about the surprise baby changes his ability and willingness to be a stepfather. In fact, it would likely make it worse, because he felt pressured or trapped. I agree with the above that a guy who was truly in love with a woman wouldn't break up with her because he had frivolous reasons for not wanting to be a stepfather. OP either doesn't really love her (or isn't really that into committment - he believes he can find an unencumbered woman elsewhere); or he has SERIOUS, substantial reservations about becoming a stepfather. People urging him to get married are very much taking the "babies fix relationships" tactic.

OK. OP, run far away from the woman you love who is pregnant with your child and be a part-time dad to your kid while never making eye contact with your kid's half-siblings. Maybe eventually you will find another woman to love who will not mind that you now come with an insta-family. Fixed it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed that OP doesn't seem to see the irony.... He says he was messed up by having step-parents in his life, and now he's considering leaving HIS CHILD with half-siblings (who he wasn't really fond of) to be raised by a parade of step-parents too. It's pretty sad, really.

+1 I hope he maintains a good enough relationship with this woman to be able to at least vet his future child's eventual stepfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed that OP doesn't seem to see the irony.... He says he was messed up by having step-parents in his life, and now he's considering leaving HIS CHILD with half-siblings (who he wasn't really fond of) to be raised by a parade of step-parents too. It's pretty sad, really.

So much this. My kids have suffered because their Dad just isn't committed to being a dad. OP, you can't do anything to avoid having a less traditional family structure. If you marry it will be blended. If you don't marry it will be a split family.

But, you can still be a fully involved father. Go to court. Get half custody. Use all your time. Develop a cooperative relationship with the Mom. Be flexible, be supportive of her, pay whatever support and expenses the court mandates and more if your child needs more for some reason (special schools, medical expenses, activities, etc.). But, don't just write a check and phone it in occasionally. Nothing could be more hurtful.

Personally, I would recommend that each of you spend at least a full year working on being non-romantic supportive co-parenting partners. After you are each in your groove as parents separately and together, then you can each think if picking up an intimate partnership is wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

Because he felt strongly enough about her existing kids that he affirmatively did NOT want to marry her. It's not fair to those kids, the woman, or the new kid to create a marriage under those circumstances if he can't be a good stepparent.

Maybe it's possible he'll change his mind -- but it would be the wrong thing to do to get married with such huge reservations.

Meh. He didn't say it was the existing kids in terms of their behavior or not liking them, he said it was the concept of an "insta-family" and not wanting a blended family based on his history. His family is insta-ing right now and will be blended with half-siblings for his kid already, like it or not. And again, I didn't say get married. But he broke up with a woman that by his own account 1) is a good person, that 2) he would have otherwise tried to lock down, because 3) he loved her, all because of a reason that has drastically changed due to circumstances. He can be a good dad if they're not together, but he can't be as hands on if they're not in a relationship. This isn't a typical "babies don't fix relationships" post, because he's the one saying he loved her, all he didn't love was jumping into the stepdad role.

Again, he shouldn't show up at her house with a ring. But back up and look at the facts: the woman he says he loves is having his kid. Does it really make sense to tell him not to try to rekindle the relationship, just because before he was going to have his own kid he wasn't ready to be a stepdad?

Nothing about the surprise baby changes his ability and willingness to be a stepfather. In fact, it would likely make it worse, because he felt pressured or trapped. I agree with the above that a guy who was truly in love with a woman wouldn't break up with her because he had frivolous reasons for not wanting to be a stepfather. OP either doesn't really love her (or isn't really that into committment - he believes he can find an unencumbered woman elsewhere); or he has SERIOUS, substantial reservations about becoming a stepfather. People urging him to get married are very much taking the "babies fix relationships" tactic.

OK. OP, run far away from the woman you love who is pregnant with your child and be a part-time dad to your kid while never making eye contact with your kid's half-siblings. Maybe eventually you will find another woman to love who will not mind that you now come with an insta-family. Fixed it!

That's better than an unhappy marriage ending in divorce anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame OP for freaking out! That’s a huge life change right there that he didn’t want or expect.

I agree with those upthread who said you should do whatever you can to support her emotionally for the next 9 months. You don’t have to get back together with her, but you do have to be a man about this. 9 months is a long time and you could find at the end of it that you want her as your life partner. Or you could just end up as supportive co-parents. Either way, you can still have a very happy life, OP! And I predict once you meet that baby, your heart will melt...

[Anonymous]

It absolutely blows my mind that an adult in this day and age who would freak out at the possibility of a child would not use birth control every single time. Blows. My. Mind.

[Anonymous]

I have not read every post but I will bring in maybe a new perspective. My now 19-year-old daughter was the result of a casual relationship and a pregnancy was obviously a surprise Used condoms and it broke. Anyway the father I tried to stay together for our little girl, we left together for about two years. It did not work. Broke up amicably he was always in her life along with his family as we live closer to his family than mine 19 years later he has never had another child, and he is extremely in love with his daughter. It all worked out in the end

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the run-on sentences. I use voice text and it does not always come out right

[Anonymous]

If being a stepdad was the only thing that was keeping you from wanting to be with this woman, the fact that she's now pregnant and you are going to be a dad changes things considerably. Things are now complicated for you no matter what.
Given how good your relationship was, and the reason you ended things is now pretty much moot, I think it's definitely worth giving things a go with this woman.