She's pregnant - I'm freaking out

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, you ended up in a thread that went off the rails!

Congrats on becoming a dad and it is pretty normal to freak out, doubly so when you aren't with the partner and it is unexpected.

You and your ex both sound like sensible, responsible stable people. You will figure this out. Keep your mind open but don't commit to something unless it really feels right. You can be an awesome single dad who co-parents or you may end up in a blended family if that is what you want in the end.

I wish you all the best and its okay to be in shock and panicking for awhile! Totally normal for someone in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, you ended up in a thread that went off the rails!

Congrats on becoming a dad and it is pretty normal to freak out, doubly so when you aren't with the partner and it is unexpected.

You and your ex both sound like sensible, responsible stable people. You will figure this out. Keep your mind open but don't commit to something unless it really feels right. You can be an awesome single dad who co-parents or you may end up in a blended family if that is what you want in the end.

I wish you all the best and its okay to be in shock and panicking for awhile! Totally normal for someone in your situation.

Neither of them sound sensible or stable. Good luck to the baby!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I became a stepmom, then a bio mom. It's not what I initially planned for my life but it's worked out far better than my own dysfunctional childhood (also blended). It's hard to find someone with whom you truly get along, share values, find interesting, is stable and loving, can coparent, etc. Life is never perfect, or predictable, and even a seemingly simple situation can get complex.

Do some therapy and be there for her right now..it will sort itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

Think of the child. Would yo want him/her to read this thread at 18-years-old? How would he/she feel knowing that he/she was unwanted by his/her dad?
Who knows, the child could turn out to be genius, a sports star, a Nobel Prize winner. Treat him/her as a gift, not a nuisance that encroached on your life. Love him/her.

[Anonymous]

OP, your tainted views from your own childhood could actually cause you to throw away a happy union with someone you love, and repeat the unfortunate cycle with your child. it's sadly how it usually goes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely ask for paternity testing although you say you were exclusive. You do not want to pay for a child that isn't yours.

+1 Trust but verify. They can test paternity via an amnio (at least that's what I thought). Ask for that and then go for there.

Make some sort of legal arrangement (child support, custody, etc.). Maybe you'll get back together at some point, but don't rush into that. Have a legal agreement in place before the baby arrives. That way, money, custody, etc., is all sorted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you got rid of a perfectly good relationship because you did not want to be a step parent...that seems silly to me if everything else is right. Now it is a completely different situation not that she is pregnant (assuming she is having the baby). You may want to consider if you want a family because if you do, and you love this woman, it is time to man up. If you truly never want a family, get snipped. Also, don't date women who want to have kids or who want to remarry.

I dont think it is silly to not want to be a stepparent. That's a valid preference. But if you dont want to, then dont date people with kids.

It sounds like OP is into this person but did not want stepkids. I think he should give it a shot with the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

OP here. If she didn't have children I would have been unequivocal in trying to lock it down. I adore her, but we were at a sh** or get off the pot moment (how it felt) and I didn't want to string her along.

My apprehension in being a stepdad is that I experienced firsthand the challenges that come with blended families - both my my parents remarried (multiple times!) when I was a kid and it was destabilizing. That's due to other factors as well, but I hated being a "step" anything, which extends beyond the nuclear family, obviously.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

Well, if she has the baby, and that's her choice, not yours, then you are going to be part of a blended family regardless. You sound into her. If she winds up giving birth to this child, I think you should try to be with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

OP here. If she didn't have children I would have been unequivocal in trying to lock it down. I adore her, but we were at a sh** or get off the pot moment (how it felt) and I didn't want to string her along.

My apprehension in being a stepdad is that I experienced firsthand the challenges that come with blended families - both my my parents remarried (multiple times!) when I was a kid and it was destabilizing. That's due to other factors as well, but I hated being a "step" anything, which extends beyond the nuclear family, obviously.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

OP, it sounds like you should give the relationship another chance. You are scared because of your upbringing, but it doesn't always have to be that way. You don't sound like the kind of guy who would be a jerk and destabilize the lives of this woman and her kids. My mom is on her third marriage and my dad on his second. I had a great childhood and have a good relationship with all my various parents and step siblings. It was a different upbringing from my friends who were almost universally raised by two married parents. But it wasn't some awful childhood, and I have a very happy, stable marriage. You seem to forget that going forward, this blended family thing isn't something that happens TO you, you will be an active participant!

The baby is coming, those kids you didn't want to be a step dad to, they will be your son or daughter's half siblings and will be in your life forever regardless. Your baby won't think anything badly about them unless you plant those seeds in his/her head. I know a few guys who have been in your position. The ones who had very casual relationships never tried to make it work with the mother of their child, but certainly love their kids a ton. The one guy I know who had actually cared for the mom, they ended up getting back together and getting married when their son was maybe a year old. Super happy family now, her two kids love their little brother and it all worked out for the best.

It's already going to be a messy situation, if you think you could love her, you should give it a chance. That will definitely be more stable for your child.

[Anonymous]

sucks op. as a guy who is exactly in your situation (age and relationship wise) i'd feel like my life was over if i found this out. tremendous loss of control over your destiny and choices. but, suppose that's the price of barebacking it. i don't care how good it feels, if she's not on the pill it's NEVER worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, you ended up in a thread that went off the rails!

Congrats on becoming a dad and it is pretty normal to freak out, doubly so when you aren't with the partner and it is unexpected.

You and your ex both sound like sensible, responsible stable people. You will figure this out. Keep your mind open but don't commit to something unless it really feels right. You can be an awesome single dad who co-parents or you may end up in a blended family if that is what you want in the end.

I wish you all the best and its okay to be in shock and panicking for awhile! Totally normal for someone in your situation.

Neither of them sound sensible or stable. Good luck to the baby!

We don't have enough info to determine stability one way or the other, but neither of them sound sensible or responsible in the slightest. Almost by definition. Wouldn't you say??? I mean, it's just creating a human life and setting up a boy or girl to grow up totally unwanted.... that's not a big deal at all, right?

It's not like they used 3 forms of contraception and there were freak accidents and all 3 failed at once. Neither of them bothered to do a single thing to prevent a pregnancy that at least one of them definitely didn't want and neither of them could handle. That's one of the most irresponsible things I can possibly think of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

Think of the child. Would yo want him/her to read this thread at 18-years-old? How would he/she feel knowing that he/she was unwanted by his/her dad?
Who knows, the child could turn out to be genius, a sports star, a Nobel Prize winner. Treat him/her as a gift, not a nuisance that encroached on your life. Love him/her.

Right, because none of us love their child unless they’re a genius or a future rock star. Better step up now so you don’t look bad later or so you can share in the fame.
Please - don’t reproduce.

[Anonymous]

Real men don’t freak out and act like this. They don’t wallow, wine, fuss and flee from adulthood after dabbling in it. Maybe you should withdraw from society as you aren’t up for being in it.
This - and all the guys commenting with ‘don’t take any responsibility until X’ - should join you on loser island as well.

One of my brothers missed out on 10 years of his kids life because the other brother told him ‘don’t take responsibility, she’s trying to trap you, get a paternity test, don’t pay any child support!’. Well, the mom wasn’t interested in having a fool in her child’s life so she found another guy to step up as ‘dad’ which he did and he was great at it. Only the kid was an absolute carbon copy of my brother and eventually he realized and stepped up after missing SO MUCH. He has cherished his child ever since , literally he’s been the highlight of his life, but childhood is almost over now. It’s dumb to miss out OP.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, your life just changed. Don't listen to the misanthropes and misogynists on here. You like this woman, so do the right thing and marry her, and enjoy being a dad. You will be freaking out for a long time; it just comes with the territory, even if you had already been married for five years and couldn't wait to have a kid.

[Anonymous]

You know the scene in field of dreams where the baseball player has to leave his alternative dream state to step back to the real world as the doctor he was to save the child?

Well, this is your moment. And be careful what you do and don't do, because this is one of those times that defines who you are as a person and a man.