She's pregnant - I'm freaking out

[Anonymous]

Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT believe her. Require paternity testing. If the child is yours, then do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to keep the baby? If so, step up to be the best dad you can be. If not, issue is moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT believe her. Require paternity testing. If the child is yours, then do the right thing.

Wouldn't I have to wait until the baby is born to get paternity testing? She's already in a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to keep the baby? If so, step up to be the best dad you can be. If not, issue is moot.

She does.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I fee horribly for this woman.

If you are in your mid-30s and know you don't want a family, grow up and get a vasectomy.

If you do want a family, and you "got along with her really well" and being a scardey-cat was what was keeping you from continuing things with this woman, realize your situation has changed and it's time to consider your options given your new reality. Assuming she continues the pregnancy, you are going to be a parent either way; do you want to do it alone half the time, do you want to abdicate your rights or be a half assed dad, or do you want to try and do it with someone you maybe loved?

[Anonymous]

How is she doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I fee horribly for this woman.

If you are in your mid-30s and know you don't want a family, grow up and get a vasectomy.

If you do want a family, and you "got along with her really well" and being a scardey-cat was what was keeping you from continuing things with this woman, realize your situation has changed and it's time to consider your options given your new reality. Assuming she continues the pregnancy, you are going to be a parent either way; do you want to do it alone half the time, do you want to abdicate your rights or be a half assed dad, or do you want to try and do it with someone you maybe loved?

Jesus calm down. He didn't he knows he doesn't want a family, he said he broke up with a single mom because he realized he didn't want an "insta-family." Is deciding step-parenting isn't right for you really the worst thing a person can do?

OP tell her you'll support her decision either way and then start thinking about what you want that to look like -- you say you got along really well and the stepkid was the reason you broke up, so think about whether the addition of a child of your own blood changes the calculus for you. Maybe it doesn't, maybe you feel relief since the breakup and realize you weren't good together. So plan to coparent and have serious discussions about what that will look like. Maybe you don't mind the fact that she's already a mom so much now that you'll be a dad -- see if you want to try to get back together, if that's something either of you would want to try. Realize that adding a newborn tests even strong, stable marriages, so this will not be easy. But maybe it's what you want for your future -- to have your kid grow up with you in the house as well.

Neither of those outcomes is absolutely right or wrong, and both of you need to agree on the path forward. If you believe it's your kid, don't push for a prenatal paternity test. By the time the kid is born you'll probably have met with a lawyer to draw up custody/child support docs, and you can get a test when the baby is here as a condition. That shouldn't be too controversial, especially if it's the lawyer's recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Take it easy, Dad.

Here's the most important tip of all, that you can use throughout life: Fake it til you make it.

In this case, even if you are scared out of your wits (understandable!), pretend to be responsible and rational.
You'll make that easier on yourself if you grab a pregnancy book now and read it. Knowledge is better than ignorance, which makes you look cold and dumb. She may have morning sickness, she may be very tired at first, she may want you at the ultrasound appointments, she may be emotional because of all those hormones, her parents and friends might exert influence (usually not on your side) etc...

While you go through those motions for NINE MONTHS, you'll have time to figure out how involved you want to be after the birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is she doing?

She's okay physically, just a bit worried and overwhelmed as this was unplanned, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Don't move in together.
Don't get back together due to the child.

Listen dude, you are going to be a dad. That is for sure. You don't have to be a husband.

Just don't be a absentee dad. Man up FFS!

[Anonymous]

And does she want to get back with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And does she want to get back with you?

OP here. I think she would. Like I said, we got along exceptionally well but I decided I didn't want to be a stepdad (and she was/is ultimately looking to remarry). So I broke it off.

[Anonymous]

One day at a time, OP. This doesn't mean you have to get back together, since that's clearly not what you want (or you wouldn't have broken up with her to begin with). I'd start a conversation with an attorney in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

OK, look. Don't panic. You can be a good dad and a good co-parent without being in anything other than a platonic relationship with someone. It's work, but so is every other configuration of parenting.

Babies don't save relationships. Don't get back together for the sake of the baby. If you get back together, make sure it's because you want to get back together.