She's pregnant - I'm freaking out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I fee horribly for this woman.

If you are in your mid-30s and know you don't want a family, grow up and get a vasectomy.

If you do want a family, and you "got along with her really well" and being a scardey-cat was what was keeping you from continuing things with this woman, realize your situation has changed and it's time to consider your options given your new reality. Assuming she continues the pregnancy, you are going to be a parent either way; do you want to do it alone half the time, do you want to abdicate your rights or be a half assed dad, or do you want to try and do it with someone you maybe loved?

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

OP, definitely test for paternity to be sure. Help raising the child. Do not get married to this woman under any circumstances!

[Anonymous]

My DH freaked out, too. And we were married. Fully embrace this new little child, because that is what he/she needs.

[Anonymous]

The misogyny in this thread is staggering. Wow.

Good luck OP. Add me to the list of people who think you should give this a go and it may turn out to be one of the best things that happens to you. I get that stepparenting may not have been your vision for your life, but now the calculus is changed and you’ll have complication no matter what. Maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world, with someone you love and are compatible with otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know the scene in field of dreams where the baseball player has to leave his alternative dream state to step back to the real world as the doctor he was to save the child?

Well, this is your moment. And be careful what you do and don't do, because this is one of those times that defines who you are as a person and a man.

Yup. Well, OP, you get to decide who you want to be. But make no mistake, this is a defining moment...whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know the scene in field of dreams where the baseball player has to leave his alternative dream state to step back to the real world as the doctor he was to save the child?

Well, this is your moment. And be careful what you do and don't do, because this is one of those times that defines who you are as a person and a man.

Yup. Well, OP, you get to decide who you want to be. But make no mistake, this is a defining moment...whatever you decide.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

And he is responsible for his decisions, and he's the one writing in. Kids show up whether you want them or not. You take care of your responsibilities in life even when they poop a lot. Prepare to be a dad. Learn to get by on little sleep. In this case that means learning to like spending time with her other kids. And also you can't up and move as easily.

[Anonymous]

If OP doesn't want to be a step-dad, then he shouldn't get married just because there's a baby on the way. If he gets along well with the mother, they'll be great co-parents. He should ONLY get married to her if he's prepared to be a stepparent. That's a very hard thing to do, and there's no shame realizing you're not equipped to do it. Shotgun weddings don't work out well, especially if there are stepkids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

And he is responsible for his decisions, and he's the one writing in. Kids show up whether you want them or not. You take care of your responsibilities in life even when they poop a lot. Prepare to be a dad. Learn to get by on little sleep. In this case that means learning to like spending time with her other kids. And also you can't up and move as easily.

He can take responsibility without getting married to her. It would be irresponsible for him to be a bad stepparent if he truly thinks he's not capable of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

And he is responsible for his decisions, and he's the one writing in. Kids show up whether you want them or not. You take care of your responsibilities in life even when they poop a lot. Prepare to be a dad. Learn to get by on little sleep. In this case that means learning to like spending time with her other kids. And also you can't up and move as easily.

He can take responsibility without getting married to her. It would be irresponsible for him to be a bad stepparent if he truly thinks he's not capable of it.

Didn't say he should marry. I simply think it's silly to gripe about her. He's an adult wanting advice after his actions have had consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

And he is responsible for his decisions, and he's the one writing in. Kids show up whether you want them or not. You take care of your responsibilities in life even when they poop a lot. Prepare to be a dad. Learn to get by on little sleep. In this case that means learning to like spending time with her other kids. And also you can't up and move as easily.

He can take responsibility without getting married to her. It would be irresponsible for him to be a bad stepparent if he truly thinks he's not capable of it.

Dude said he didn't want to marry the woman in order to avoid the complications of blended families. Which is what he's getting anyway since he and she decided to use the mfin pull out method (JFC,, JFC, JFC). So - if that was the only reason for not marrying her, seems that reason is extinguished, and they may as well get married and give this thing a go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why? It's highly unlikely a mother in her mid-thirties doesn't know what she's doing

And he is responsible for his decisions, and he's the one writing in. Kids show up whether you want them or not. You take care of your responsibilities in life even when they poop a lot. Prepare to be a dad. Learn to get by on little sleep. In this case that means learning to like spending time with her other kids. And also you can't up and move as easily.

He can take responsibility without getting married to her. It would be irresponsible for him to be a bad stepparent if he truly thinks he's not capable of it.

Dude said he didn't want to marry the woman in order to avoid the complications of blended families. Which is what he's getting anyway since he and she decided to use the mfin pull out method (JFC,, JFC, JFC). So - if that was the only reason for not marrying her, seems that reason is extinguished, and they may as well get married and give this thing a go.

I found that funny myself. He didn't want to be with her because she had a child. Next girl might feel the same way about him. Mid thirties time to grow up. At this age you know the risk, time to be resposible

[Anonymous]

OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Did you read the thread? He said he would have been trying to "lock it down" with her if it weren't for the fact he wasn't sure he was ready to have a family.

Now he's going to have a family, ready or not, so he should probably lock it down.*

*I don't actually think they should get married because she's pregnant, but the guy says he loves her so why not be together so he can be present in his kid's life?

Because he felt strongly enough about her existing kids that he affirmatively did NOT want to marry her. It's not fair to those kids, the woman, or the new kid to create a marriage under those circumstances if he can't be a good stepparent.

Maybe it's possible he'll change his mind -- but it would be the wrong thing to do to get married with such huge reservations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't believe you people. Why create a miserable marriage on top of all other complications?

Exactly. BTDT.