Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

Doesn't matter who it is, but, if one parent is travelling a lot then stands to reason the other parent will have to step up more. Hard to do when the other parent is also working a demanding job.

Or the traveling parent will need to scale back so the other parent does not become a single parent.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get an after school nanny. You can afford it I'm sure. After school nanny can run all appointments, playdates and make sure your kids aren't in daycare until 6:30- which is super late btw!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

I think that's easy to say, but sometimes harder to put into practice. My situation pretty closely tracked what PP laid out, except that I was the big law associate who was very openly being groomed to make partner in a couple of years while my husband was struggling to find a place professionally. After baby #1, I was very explicitly mommy tracked no matter how hard I worked, while DH finally found a firm that looked promising. We were killing ourselves working, he started making headway while I continued to stall, and when baby #2 was on the way I looked at our lives and realized it wasn't worth killing myself for something that wasn't going to happen and that it would be better for everyone if I gave up, stayed home with the kids and supported DH's career instead. I don't think that's a decision I ever would have made if my career had continued on its pre-baby trajectory, it was directly the result of pretty blatant discrimination at work. Sure, we could have decided that DH would be the one to step back and I'd keep beating my head against a brick wall in the name of gender equality, but neither of us would have been all that happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

Nobody wants a 12 yo to plan a week ahead. But 4 hours would be nice. Not expecting her to think, hey I need to make a plan and not drop stuff on my mom's lap is raising a good kid instead of a brat. Even if I can just drop everything to take my kids somewhere, I expect them to think about it, and take timing/location/etc into consideration.

The problem is that teaching this to your 12 yo takes parenting time/effort, which is something OP and her husband aren't prioritizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

Nobody wants a 12 yo to plan a week ahead. But 4 hours would be nice. Not expecting her to think, hey I need to make a plan and not drop stuff on my mom's lap is raising a good kid instead of a brat. Even if I can just drop everything to take my kids somewhere, I expect them to think about it, and take timing/location/etc into consideration.

The problem is that teaching this to your 12 yo takes parenting time/effort, which is something OP and her husband aren't prioritizing.

This. You reap what you sow. Children who do things like plan ahead, respect their parents' time, be polite with their requests, and so on don't just magically happen. It takes TIME SPENT with said child modelling appropriate/desired behaviors, correcting them when they are rude/etc. and such. Good kids get that way their parents took the time to see it happen.

Raising children who display the traits OP wants require effort. You can't not spend the time teaching your kids these things and then get mad when they don't display them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've both chosen to have demanding careers that require you to work long hours and/or travel in the evenings so that you can't be engaged with your family, you need to figure something else out. That doesn't mean every whim of hers should be satisfied, but it also shouldn't be that your kids know they cannot rely on their parents to be there during the week. Whether it's getting a second car to make it easier to have someone present when the kids need something, or getting a nanny who can work into the evening to help you with their needs at that point, or someone scaling back at work, it's pretty lousy to decide to have kids (especially that many) and then both of you check out on parenting them until the weekend.

Could not have said it better.

I get that last minute requests are annoying but it's all part of parenting. If you knew your jobs were demanding I simply don't understand the desire to have three kids. You're not being a parent. Honestly. That probably hurts but it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Attorney here and widower with two kids.

I feel pulled in so many directions between working (I work in-house, thankfully) and getting my two kids places. I've thrown money at the problem (afternoon sitter/driver), but there are still times they need me to be there and I have to figure out how to divide myself between kid 1's sport, kid's 2 recital, and my job. Oh, and then deal with the boring stuff that it takes to run a house hold. I've been doing this alone for 10 years and despite people saying that things will get easier, it doesn't. It's just a different kind of difficult.

It's hard, OP. I feel for you.

I'm sorry PP. It's got to be hard going it alone.

I do think it's interesting in the OP bashing no one noticed that single parents are forced to deal with this all.the.time. It's a part of life. We can't be everywhere and everything at every moment possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Attorney here and widower with two kids.

I feel pulled in so many directions between working (I work in-house, thankfully) and getting my two kids places. I've thrown money at the problem (afternoon sitter/driver), but there are still times they need me to be there and I have to figure out how to divide myself between kid 1's sport, kid's 2 recital, and my job. Oh, and then deal with the boring stuff that it takes to run a house hold. I've been doing this alone for 10 years and despite people saying that things will get easier, it doesn't. It's just a different kind of difficult.

It's hard, OP. I feel for you.

I'm sorry PP. It's got to be hard going it alone.

I do think it's interesting in the OP bashing no one noticed that single parents are forced to deal with this all.the.time. It's a part of life. We can't be everywhere and everything at every moment possible.

I think that most people are rational enough to appreciate the difference between a single parent who has to work more to support their family and simply cannot be in more than one place, and a two-income household where people are choosing to work harder than they need to at the expense of their family. That said, if PP were a single mom by choice with no dad in the picture, I suspect that would have gotten more snark than a sympathetic widower (no disrespect intended, PP, I was raised by a single parent so I've seen how hard it is to juggle everything). Also, I've found that single parents tend to be more likely to acknowledge they can't do everything and find a support network to help like a nanny/sitter, reaching out to other parents for carpools, etc. I see the kind of hand-wringing refusal to do that more from two-income families who are typically in a better financial position to do so but seem to insist on figuring out how to do it themselves.

[Anonymous]

^ It's the "I deserve it all" mentality. Kids have that same mentality, but I expect that from kids, and you teach them that this isn't reality. Some parents need to learn this, too, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire a nanny! The nanny can take your kids to playdates/classes/Target and pick up your youngest earlier from daycare. I am all for both parents having a full career, but if you are, you need to staff up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

That's a really good point.

If the OP was complaining that she could never count on her husband and hardly ever saw him because of his job, it's okay, but it's not okay for a child to want time with their parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

Nobody wants a 12 yo to plan a week ahead. But 4 hours would be nice. Not expecting her to think, hey I need to make a plan and not drop stuff on my mom's lap is raising a good kid instead of a brat. Even if I can just drop everything to take my kids somewhere, I expect them to think about it, and take timing/location/etc into consideration.

The problem is that teaching this to your 12 yo takes parenting time/effort, which is something OP and her husband aren't prioritizing.

To me it looks like the SAH moms are not doing it either they just jump.

It takes no time to say, I need 2 hours notice. It's not that the OP is not present it's that she is not willing to get in the car and drive around for an hour or so for a poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

I think that's easy to say, but sometimes harder to put into practice. My situation pretty closely tracked what PP laid out, except that I was the big law associate who was very openly being groomed to make partner in a couple of years while my husband was struggling to find a place professionally. After baby #1, I was very explicitly mommy tracked no matter how hard I worked, while DH finally found a firm that looked promising. We were killing ourselves working, he started making headway while I continued to stall, and when baby #2 was on the way I looked at our lives and realized it wasn't worth killing myself for something that wasn't going to happen and that it would be better for everyone if I gave up, stayed home with the kids and supported DH's career instead. I don't think that's a decision I ever would have made if my career had continued on its pre-baby trajectory, it was directly the result of pretty blatant discrimination at work. Sure, we could have decided that DH would be the one to step back and I'd keep beating my head against a brick wall in the name of gender equality, but neither of us would have been all that happy.

It's not about gender equality at work, it's about your children having 2 parents at home.

You chose 1 huge income instead of 2 reasonable incomes that accommodate your children having 2 parents.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a brat. Don't give into it. She's just running a guilt trip on you to get what she wants. The reality is that she can't do everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

Nobody wants a 12 yo to plan a week ahead. But 4 hours would be nice. Not expecting her to think, hey I need to make a plan and not drop stuff on my mom's lap is raising a good kid instead of a brat. Even if I can just drop everything to take my kids somewhere, I expect them to think about it, and take timing/location/etc into consideration.

The problem is that teaching this to your 12 yo takes parenting time/effort, which is something OP and her husband aren't prioritizing.

To me it looks like the SAH moms are not doing it either they just jump.

It takes no time to say, I need 2 hours notice. It's not that the OP is not present it's that she is not willing to get in the car and drive around for an hour or so for a poster.

Take your SAHM bashing elsewhere, it's irrelevant to the this thread. Even if your statement were true (which it isn't as a sweeping statement), it doesn't change the fact that even if OP's kids gave her two hours notice, or even two days notice, it wouldn't matter because the answer they expect to get from their parents is "No, I have to work." This problem most likely could be largely solved by OP and her husband committing to at least one night a week where one of them was home and focused on the kids, rather than home but working with the kids in the background. Then the kids would know they could count on their parents, and could learn to plan their requests around their parents' availability. You can't plan around something that doesn't exist, though.