Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

OP, for a different perspective: I'm a teacher. I have plenty of time to talk my 12 year old shopping at Target and to pick her up from her activities. Does she appreciate it? NO. She flips out because I can't afford a lot of the things she wants to do or buy. She wants me to get a real job that pays well. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you work those hours if you have kids?
Why have THREE kids?
Where is your spouse in this?

How does this help? Should OP say, "Oh my goodness, what a mistake it was to have three children!" and return one or two of them to the store?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

OP, for a different perspective: I'm a teacher. I have plenty of time to talk my 12 year old shopping at Target and to pick her up from her activities. Does she appreciate it? NO. She flips out because I can't afford a lot of the things she wants to do or buy. She wants me to get a real job that pays well. Lovely.

NP - yes 12 - 15/ 16 year olds are prone to flip out and feel that everything is unfair. And I agree that the last minute/night before school runs are frustrating. I think it's nice you take the time to bring her to dance solo. Sometimes being in the car together can be a great time to reconnect.

I agree with PPs that maybe you can set aside one night a week (and make that night not set in stone. I.e. Tues OR Thurs) where you are available for her and her brothers. Go out to a fave restaurant. Be available to bring her to a friends, ect. They probably all need to see that you value them and are willing to set aside your work occasionally to meet their needs.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer mom here. I would give up your hard rule about not working weekends. Instead, be more flexible. Sometimes it is better to work for a few hours on Sunday night than on Tuesday night. Depends on what is happening with the kid and what is happening with work. Are you a partner? Can you delegate more to associates?

[Anonymous]

if you choose careers that make it difficult to be involved in your kids lives and have a detrimental effect on them...and you have the money to have options, hire someone who can be involved and present for your kids.

They need a stable, reliable person in their lives. Hire an evening nanny who meets them at the end of the day and does all the things a parent would, if they had a parent who was involved. Make them dinner or take them out, help with homework and extracurriculars, and do the on the spot parenting they need.

Then you can focus on your career without interruptions from your kids and they can have someone who is there for them and invested in them.

[Anonymous]

Scale back, op.

[Anonymous]

Cat's in the cradle, OP. It's real and you'll regret it.

Now, even if you were a SAHP, you'd still need to set boundaries on running out at the last minute, how running her places impacts the other kids, working around your schedule, etc. She doesn't get to have her every whim, and she likely is being bratty as pre-teens are want to do. But she is telling you something she doesn't have the emotional capacity to express more maturely - she feels like your work is frequently a priority above her needs. That's worth addressing with extreme thought and purpose. That may still look like you not bring willing to drop everything and drive to Target at the last minute, but it does likely mean more time with her, but not at her beck and call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you choose careers that make it difficult to be involved in your kids lives and have a detrimental effect on them...and you have the money to have options, hire someone who can be involved and present for your kids.

They need a stable, reliable person in their lives. Hire an evening nanny who meets them at the end of the day and does all the things a parent would, if they had a parent who was involved. Make them dinner or take them out, help with homework and extracurriculars, and do the on the spot parenting they need.

Then you can focus on your career without interruptions from your kids and they can have someone who is there for them and invested in them.

In other words, OWN YOUR CHOICE.

And don't complain if your child is missing you. Because it turns out your child is missing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you choose careers that make it difficult to be involved in your kids lives and have a detrimental effect on them...and you have the money to have options, hire someone who can be involved and present for your kids.

They need a stable, reliable person in their lives. Hire an evening nanny who meets them at the end of the day and does all the things a parent would, if they had a parent who was involved. Make them dinner or take them out, help with homework and extracurriculars, and do the on the spot parenting they need.

Then you can focus on your career without interruptions from your kids and they can have someone who is there for them and invested in them.

In other words, OWN YOUR CHOICE.

And don't complain if your child is missing you. Because it turns out your child is missing you.

[Anonymous]

The actual running out at 7PM to Target is not the issue I see here - I'm a stay at home parent and that's not generally something I'd do either. Kids usually have weeks plenty of advanced notice for projects, need for supplies, etc. and if you fail to plan ahead...that's unfortunate.

But preteens NEED their parents or another stable, mature adult in their lives to be with them, to spend time with them, to touch them and just ...be. And they need that person more than just 1 or 2 nights per week. If you can't/aren't interested in being that person for your child, you need to hire someone who is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am stretched thin and she flips out when I tell her no and starts going on and on how she never gets to do anything.

OP, for a different perspective: I'm a teacher. I have plenty of time to talk my 12 year old shopping at Target and to pick her up from her activities. Does she appreciate it? NO. She flips out because I can't afford a lot of the things she wants to do or buy. She wants me to get a real job that pays well. Lovely.

NP - yes 12 - 15/ 16 year olds are prone to flip out and feel that everything is unfair. And I agree that the last minute/night before school runs are frustrating. I think it's nice you take the time to bring her to dance solo. Sometimes being in the car together can be a great time to reconnect.

I agree with PPs that maybe you can set aside one night a week (and make that night not set in stone. I.e. Tues OR Thurs) where you are available for her and her brothers. Go out to a fave restaurant. Be available to bring her to a friends, ect. They probably all need to see that you value them and are willing to set aside your work occasionally to meet their needs.

This is just sad to be. Preteens need more than to see that their mom will "occasionally" set aside work to meet their needs.

[Anonymous]

She would get short thrift from me. In my house my kids don't get to order Mom around, especially for last-minute supplies or requests for playdate pick-ups. They can request several days in advance, politely, and I will make it work or discuss an alternative with them. Last minute things just DO NOT happen.

And I don't even work long hours, OP. I just don't think children should treat their parents that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

Agreed. I know some people who make it work with two big law parents, but they also have a team of nannies to cover everything, including the evening Target runs, so that their kids' needs don't fall through the cracks. You can't have two people working those hours, cheap out on standard daycare hours and one car, and expect that there won't be consequences to that.

Everyone needs a parent. you need to hire a parent for your kids or one of you needs to scale back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you work those hours if you have kids?
Why have THREE kids?
Where is your spouse in this?

How does this help? Should OP say, "Oh my goodness, what a mistake it was to have three children!" and return one or two of them to the store?

More like...okay, I have three kids who didn't ask to be born. What can I do to ensure my work isn't taking precedence over their needs? And if I'm not willing to adjust my work schedule to ensure that, what else can I do? (I.e. hire a team of nannies.)

[Anonymous]

I feel like people are being kind of mean to OP.

Look - it's a balancing act. If OP can't do errands during the week, then on Saturday mornings, she needs to go over potential things that her kid needs on the weekend for the following week.

My one kids' school this year did something amazing - listed the 3 sided poster board on his school supply list even though he won't need it until Spring. How about getting extra supplies at target at the beginning of the year or whatever?

Or don't you have a nanny or something if you work so much? If so, give responsibility to the nanny for some.

You don't have to be at the kids' beck and call, but some things need to get done and you can give your kid expectations - no errands Monday=Thursday so plan ahead.