Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had a long career in multiple fields. I've definitely encountered the high earner/specialist who is home every night by 6. Of course they exist. But they're comparatively rare (although not absolutely rare), and in my experience, it's the case that they aren't managers, but tend to be specialists with an unusual and valued skill. They also often make choices that focus on preserving the specialty rather than expanding skills, because expanding skills often requires an investment of time. In general, I think they're more vulnerable to changes in industry norms, although of course that varies a lot. I have no criticism one way or the other. I think people have been way too judgmental in this thread and on DCUM in general. Mostly I am posting to say that I think the two PPs above who are arguing can both be right: there are high earners who leave every night by 6, but the PP who says you can't have your cake and eat it too is also right. Jumping to dramatic conclusions one way or the other is a bit silly; we do not have enough information to judge one way or the other.

They're certainly not going to be someone like an orthopedist who has long surgeries or an Obstetrician . These are things that you cannot fake by coasting on your reputation or seniority or do at home - you have to be at work.
It's a different life that is being argued, I think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have yet to meet a parent on their death bed wishing they worked more and spent less time with the kids. T

You and your husband are missing the prime years with your kids and you have a pre-teen (who normally wants nothing to do with parents) craving for your attention. If that isn't a wake-up call on your priorities, I am not sure what is.

This is not like you and your husband must both work JUST to keep food on the table. You are working for an over the top lifestyle that you have chose over family time and time again. The fact that you can't see that as a major disappointment is extremely sad.

I left a massive career - one that I traveled all the time, free airfare miles, made my own hours, was the head of the DC office, but it was also extremely demanding of my time. It was wonderful prior to kids but trying to do both never worked. It wasn't a job that worked for a family life. I was so scared leaving thinking I will never have a job like this again, but you know what another mom said to me? You will never have your kids this age again. There is a small window in your own entire life (say 80 years) where your kids are in your home and need you. If your job does not work with that, it is not the job for you right now. No amount of money will make you and your kids happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem is not big enough to quit your job or change your life as previous posters are saying ...

[Anonymous]

The only thing this thread has made me realize is that woman lawyers are just the worst. Power trippy but want those kids to play the part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have yet to meet a parent on their death bed wishing they worked more and spent less time with the kids. T

You and your husband are missing the prime years with your kids and you have a pre-teen (who normally wants nothing to do with parents) craving for your attention. If that isn't a wake-up call on your priorities, I am not sure what is.

This is not like you and your husband must both work JUST to keep food on the table. You are working for an over the top lifestyle that you have chose over family time and time again. The fact that you can't see that as a major disappointment is extremely sad.

I left a massive career - one that I traveled all the time, free airfare miles, made my own hours, was the head of the DC office, but it was also extremely demanding of my time. It was wonderful prior to kids but trying to do both never worked. It wasn't a job that worked for a family life. I was so scared leaving thinking I will never have a job like this again, but you know what another mom said to me? You will never have your kids this age again. There is a small window in your own entire life (say 80 years) where your kids are in your home and need you. If your job does not work with that, it is not the job for you right now. No amount of money will make you and your kids happy.

I absolutely agree. I also left a high-powered, very intense career in order to stay home with my kids. It was the absolute best decision I ever made. No regrets; these kids are growing up right before my eyes, and in no time will be out of the house and on their own. There is no job in the world I would trade for this time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is not big enough to quit your job or change your life as previous posters are saying ...

Sure. OP and her husband should just keep the status quo, no biggie. Their kids really don't need them at all. I'm sure they're happy being last priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have yet to meet a parent on their death bed wishing they worked more and spent less time with the kids. T

You and your husband are missing the prime years with your kids and you have a pre-teen (who normally wants nothing to do with parents) craving for your attention. If that isn't a wake-up call on your priorities, I am not sure what is.

This is not like you and your husband must both work JUST to keep food on the table. You are working for an over the top lifestyle that you have chose over family time and time again. The fact that you can't see that as a major disappointment is extremely sad.

I left a massive career - one that I traveled all the time, free airfare miles, made my own hours, was the head of the DC office, but it was also extremely demanding of my time. It was wonderful prior to kids but trying to do both never worked. It wasn't a job that worked for a family life. I was so scared leaving thinking I will never have a job like this again, but you know what another mom said to me? You will never have your kids this age again. There is a small window in your own entire life (say 80 years) where your kids are in your home and need you. If your job does not work with that, it is not the job for you right now. No amount of money will make you and your kids happy.

Truth...like so many posts here.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all responses but I have an extremely flexible schedule and would totally get upset with my kid if they require a night before run to Staples to get supplies for a project. I believe kids need to be taught to think and plan ahead!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all responses but I have an extremely flexible schedule and would totally get upset with my kid if they require a night before run to Staples to get supplies for a project. I believe kids need to be taught to think and plan ahead!

And that's perfectly reasonable, but not what this situation is really about. The OP and her husband are simply not available to their children due to their very long hours. Which makes the daughter's resentment absolutely valid. Their work is taking priority over the kids' needs. Something needs to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attorney mom here -- do what you can to accommodate the requests. Believe me, she will be gone before you know it and you will miss the time with her so much that your heart will ache about it. And it's WAY more important than that memo, or brief, or conference call, or what have you. Legal work expands or contracts to fill available time. I actually spent a lot of time with my DCs despite working like a maniac for years -- and never said no, that I can recall, to a direct request to go to dinner or Staples for school supplies or such -- but I know that my work put a damper on the requests, there were times when I was on the blackberry or iphone incessantly at Staples or dinner, and I have had to travel extensively at times for work. So wish I had some of that time back. There is nothing more important than your kids. Obviously you have to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, but if they want time with you - make it happen.... Because they won't want it soon enough.

+ 1 million
We all have to determine what's most important. Can't get back the time missed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all responses but I have an extremely flexible schedule and would totally get upset with my kid if they require a night before run to Staples to get supplies for a project. I believe kids need to be taught to think and plan ahead!

And that's perfectly reasonable, but not what this situation is really about. The OP and her husband are simply not available to their children due to their very long hours. Which makes the daughter's resentment absolutely valid. Their work is taking priority over the kids' needs. Something needs to give.

+1 Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all responses but I have an extremely flexible schedule and would totally get upset with my kid if they require a night before run to Staples to get supplies for a project. I believe kids need to be taught to think and plan ahead!

Our parents taught us to plan ahead, too. They also knew we were kids and might forget. I'm so very appreciative that she didn't treat us like a business project.

[Anonymous]

With two high powered attys as parents there are a couple of choices:

1. One parent could scale back either by reducing hours or going in house or gov. That seems to be the most common approach.

2. With those high salaries, you could hire another nanny or extend the hours of the current nanny. If you want to work from sun up til sundown on legal stuff, then someone needs to be more available for the kids.

3. one person does the out-of-house work and one person does the in-house work (i.e. stays at home mainly).

I'm guessing the 3rd option isn't for you, OP. No judgment on that. I have a 13 (almost 14 yr old). Let me tell you -- the sass and resentment only gets greater as they get older! So, you are just going to be dealing with a crabby teen for awhile -- especially if you have two more in the pipeline. Some of that is unavoidable. What IS avoidable is feeling guilty -- if you know you are doing the best that a parent can do, then you won't feel so guilty when your teen is resentful/sassy/ungrateful. Given your current schedules, I think you have reason to feel guilty.

And then, on top of the normal sassy teen stuff, your teen who feels unimportant may start doing "extra" things to get your attention (i.e. drugs, drinking, sexting, sex, shoplifting). Fun times! You'll need to find some time in your schedules to deal with the police, the counselors, the abortion clinic, the STD clinic or the eating disorder clinic.

The bottom line is that the current dynamic is out of whack. It will stay out of balance until you do something different. How bad do you want it to get before you do something different?