Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

It's likely that she is now old enough to verbalize the feelings whereas before she was too young to find the way to express her disappointment.

The reality of your situation is that you will never have enough time given your current job situation to spend with 3 kids and that most of your time will be focused on the youngest kids.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could have kept working, but this thread is one of the reasons why I SAH. If both parents have demanding jobs and can't be there for the kids, they have to hire a lot of help - but kids don't want hired help, they want their parents.
One of you has to become the default parent whether you really want to or not. If both of you can't be flexible, one of you needs to be.

[Anonymous]

OP, in looking at your initial post, it appears that there are two big issues here regarding DD.

The first is the last minute requests for school items. This should be handled like "your failure to plan is not my problem." You should set aside time each week to handle these requests - either a weekly Target run or an Amazon order.

But the second issue needs some more thought on your part. DD clearly wants to spend more time with her friends and you, and you need to figure out how to make that happen. Why can't you drop her off for dance practice and then let her go to dinner with her friends? And why can't you figure out a rotation with other parents so that you can be the host parent once a month or so?

Also, if you and DD both stay up late at night, you should dial back some of your working then to bond with her. Even if it means you will spend your Sunday mornings at Starbucks working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a SAHM of school going kids. I think no parent or any caregiver should feel guilty about turning down a last minute request to run to the store for project supplies at night.

Usually ample time is given by teachers to complete a project and students should learn not to procrastinate as well as plan better. Weekend is completely appropriate time to shop for supplies. One can also shop at Amazon and order project supplies and can get it in 2 days. I buy extra supplies during back to school sales and usually have extra supplies of commonly used supplies.

I suspect that your child needs more attention and time from you and the things that she is complaining about is not really the crux of the problem. Your lack of time with her is. She is missing you.

+1 another sahm. I tell my kids if they wait till the last minute, then it may not happen.

I did give up work to sah with kids for a few years. It is tough on me in terms of my career (which I effectively killed), but I had a hard time trying to juggle being there for my kids and a demanding job. I did PT for a few years, which was awesome.

I'm sorry OP, but having a spouse who travels a lot, a demanding career where you are working till 12/1am, and three kids, one of whom will be needing you a lot more as she hits her teen years seems crazy. I understand wanting a career; I really do. But you have to make a decision as to what is really important to you. I think one of you needs to scale back.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it seems like former female attorneys dropped out to have more time giving attention to this message board, explaining to other moms why they should have had fewer kids.

[Anonymous]

SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

[Anonymous]

I work full time. 5-9 is my family time and there is nothing more important.

My kids do not drop last minute requests upon my lap. That is rude and anybody (SAH/WOH/WAH) who does this is just raising an entitle

This is a good time to discuss "you are not the center of the universe" and time for you to learn "my job can wait".

Often it feel good to believe that your job can't wait, believe me it can.

I could not imagine catering to my kids every single solitary want. I can't imagine not catering to their needs most of the time from 5-9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it seems like former female attorneys dropped out to have more time giving attention to this message board, explaining to other moms why they should have had fewer kids.

Well...I'm not an attorney, but the reality is that if you aren't willing to scale back on your work, then you shouldn't have too many kids since you won't be able to be there for all of them.

[Anonymous]

Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

[Anonymous]

I am little confused about whether the child is griping about not being able to do stuff on her own terms or if she is unable to get supplies or if she is missing her mom. Sometimes these can be complicated things and it's hard to tell, even to the child. All are understandable for a 12 year old.

Look - you chose to have three kids and have a super demanding job and your partner made the same choices. I guess you're making it work/doing it all in the sense that you feel like you have a plan that should be tenable and makes your weekends free. But your kid(s) feel the brunt of that during the week and probably don't feel the same way you do. It sucks for them, somewhat similar in small ways to the way a kid might feel whose parent works 2 jobs and can't be there for them M-F.

That said, YOU have the ability to change your job in the foreseeable future (as does your DH) to put your kids first. Would this require some scheduling or lifestyle changes? - Maybe. Catastrophic or awful ones? - uh, no. If you don't want to put them first, then ok, don't. But realize you're choosing not to do that, and understand that they do or will come to understand that too some day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. Attorney here and widower with two kids.

I feel pulled in so many directions between working (I work in-house, thankfully) and getting my two kids places. I've thrown money at the problem (afternoon sitter/driver), but there are still times they need me to be there and I have to figure out how to divide myself between kid 1's sport, kid's 2 recital, and my job. Oh, and then deal with the boring stuff that it takes to run a house hold. I've been doing this alone for 10 years and despite people saying that things will get easier, it doesn't. It's just a different kind of difficult.

It's hard, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

Doesn't matter who it is, but, if one parent is travelling a lot then stands to reason the other parent will have to step up more. Hard to do when the other parent is also working a demanding job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAH moms get bashed on DCUM all the time for being lazy, unmotivated, or worse. The reality is often much different.

Imagine that you met your spouse in grad school when you were both young and ambitious. You fell in love, got married, and decided to take the next step and have a family after a few years on the job. Baby arrives and Mom is instantly Mommy-tracked by her bosses. Dad's career takes off and he feels pressure to work more. Travels more, takes on more responsibility at work, and income continues to rise. Moms career gets stalled because she can't travel as much or work til 10 pm. Baby #2 arrives and Mom SAH because she makes a fraction of spouse and DH is working all the time. Add in taking care of aging parents. Life happens, and not always as we planned.

Allowing this model to continue is terrible for both the future of our sons and daughters.

Men need to raise their kids and stop using work as an excuse.

You almost got it PP

The bottom line is no job should be more than 40 hours a week. I don't care how high up you or how "important" you are. That's what's messed up in all of this. The American "productivity" model is broken.

For those of you who do work 60+ hours a week there is no way you are that effective after 50 hours. It would make more sense for companies to hire an additional employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids want to feel loved, it is that simple. Think about how many wives are posting(yes, it is almost always women posting here) about DH working too much, spending too much with ILS, never being there for them, and a 12 year old is supposed to be all rational and understand that mom can't spend some time with her, when many grown ups feel resentful in the same situation? And yes, 12 year old will be disorganized and forget to pan a week ahead, that is how most teens are. OP, your DD wants you, she wants to spend time with you, and all the rest is just her lashing out in the only way she knows.

Nobody wants a 12 yo to plan a week ahead. But 4 hours would be nice. Not expecting her to think, hey I need to make a plan and not drop stuff on my mom's lap is raising a good kid instead of a brat. Even if I can just drop everything to take my kids somewhere, I expect them to think about it, and take timing/location/etc into consideration.